was thinking the other day how come (thank you, jesus) i'm sleeping settled at night - apart from little girl voices that pitch in the night for my attention - and wondering how i can feel so completely wiped. guess it was a silly thought because i never accounted for the emotional and spiritual draining that happens day in and day out. with each victory and obstacle that flings my heart in one direction then another. Lord, teach my heart to steady.
i'm finding myself praying on my way to the hospital, Lord help prepare my heart for whatever it is that i will walk into today. i'm feeling like i need to suit up. SUIT. UP.
from ephesians 6. . .
"God is strong, and he wants you strong. so take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. and put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. this is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. this is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels. be prepared. you’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. learn how to apply them. you’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. pray hard and long..."
quite honestly, to "learn how to apply" truth. righteousness. peace. faith. feels like lugging on armor that i'm certain i couldn't walk an inch in, bearing under its weight.
i don't want to my faith be strong and mighty when my heart leaps with good news from the doctors. then to shrink back, overwhelmed and intimidated when reports signal my heart to sink.
so, that's where i am.
and it's no wonder because i definitely have reason to rejoice -- ken has been off the ventilator for over an hour, which means he's breathing on his own and the trach tube is providing oxygen for him. respiratory is doing this as a little lung workout for him, and he will be put back on the vent in a little bit to let him rest. even so, this is good news, very good news. his lungs are progressing.
and my heart sunk today too. ken's left arm isn't moving, and his left eye is sluggish. he will be going for an MRI this afternoon to rule out any complications, like a stroke. please pray all is perfect with him, and the lack of movement is due to something like a pinched nerve or another simply solved issue.
"but we DO NOT belong to those who SHRINK BACK and are destroyed, but to those who have FAITH and are SAVED." hebrews 10:39