Thursday, February 28, 2013

storytelling.

one of our girls' favorite things is stories.  they love to "read".  the joy is only magnified when we read with them.  and then our oldest, she gets so lost in the story itself.  she can't just stop short of the satisfaction that comes after finishing the last line of a new story.  the girl needs to be the story.  i become mama berenstain bear or doctor dan or the man with the yellow hat.  she's obviously the character upon which the entire story rests...hero, princess, beauty.

and our youngest may have learned from the joy of our first.  often she's disappeared...where has she been?  wandered upstairs bookshelf calling her, she's plopped herself directly under it, chubby little legs straight out in front of her, book on lap, head down.

and after a day that's been full and hearts that are spent, moments away from the exhale of babies' doors closing behind us, comes pleeease tell me a Little Linny story?  i wanna hear a Little Kenny story.  and we go on for the giggly joy that appears across her face from hearing the "adventures" of seven-year-olds who operated backhoes in their backyard and transformed their huffys into galloping stallions.   it's worth it every time.

and then lately, when my littlest lady and i are snuggly and reading before bed, she's been looking more at me telling the story than at the story itself.  huh.  adorable, but strange.  it's strange until i remember how my life.  her life, too.  yours as well.  it's a story.

and paul miller's words in a praying life return to me as i feel her blue eyes staring at me while i read.  miller has been challenging me to see God as Storyteller.  and to pray for a heart that willingly - joyfully - revels in the unfolding of it all.  miller talks of the relationship that comes from a heart of endurance, one that remains under its circumstances.  creating perseverance.  

i know my little girl is looking more at me because sometimes it's less about the story and more about who's telling it.  when she is looking at me reading to her, she's telling me that these moments we're spending together aren't so much about the book in my hands, but what i'm sowing while i'm reading.  and my hope is to reap a relationship with her.  true and honest.  deep and unconditional.  what i might be seeing is my little girl making the connection between telling her a story and loving her.  she's warm and safe at that moment.  she likes what she feels and what it does for her heart, and the pages bound into a book in front of her is just the way to get there.  in fact, with her eyes fixed on my face and my arms around her, the story ends up not even mattering to her. 

how my relationship with my girls would differ if every time they wanted  a story, i sat them on the couch, all cozy with a blanket and pillows, opened before them the pages of a fabulous story right before their eyes. then turned on an audio book.  our relationship might lack something precious and sweet.  there would be less moments of bonding between us for sure. 

just like little one does, keeping my eyes on the Storyteller settles me when i'm not really happy about what's found on the next page of the book.  the comfort i find in a closeness to the Father quiets the concerns of what's happening around me. 

miller teaches (unbelievably well, by the way) what it means to live in our Father's story.  to surrender completely, not demanding the story goes my way.  to look for the Storyteller - developing an eye for God's hand at work.  and he calls out to the reader: STAY in the story.  refuse to shut down when it goes the "wrong" way.  it changes a lot, when a heart remains focused on the One telling my story.

yet i know eyes fixed on the Storyteller can only mean something if i choose to trust the One delivering me my story.  reading to my little one these past weeks has revealed to my heart that i cannot simply will myself to stay committed to a story whose lines read fear and struggle woven throughout its pages.  the story will only fade into its rightful position when my main priority for today is to build connection with the only One who is writing my story.

like my littlest, i am most enjoying my story, experiencing life full of joy, with peace abounding when my heart's connected to a Storyteller i know will never write a bad ending.  for He knows no such finish for His children.

Friday, February 8, 2013

thanks & prayer

wanted to take some time to share what God's been up to with us.  thank you for continuing to come alongside of us, pray for and minster to our hearts.  i'm so grateful to you.

: :  i had asked for prayer for the EMG that ken would get regarding the numbness and tingling in his left hand.  i don't have a lot of details, but it seems like he has a separate wrist(ish) injury that happened during the accident.  we will get more details wednesday when we meet with the doctor to discuss the results of the test.  it was a pretty painful test, and i'm grateful that it's over for him, so big relief

: :  thanks to Jesus - and lots of knee time outside her bedroom door - our oldest's nightmares have not been happening since we asked for prayer...thank you

: :  God is teaching us some Truths and very practical how-tos for staying in God's story that He has for us, and we are so grateful to learn from Him - and while the challenge of it stretches us, it's changing our perspective

: :  a praise for our oldest, who was filling out a little prayer calendar that she brought home a while ago from sunday school.  she decided some of the things we would be praying for as a family at dinner time.  her choice for what to pray for on mondays made my  heart overflow with hope that God is accomplishing in her heart something for eternity, and He gave me a glimpse of an answer to my prayer that her pain and fear from this tragedy would not have happened in vain.  may it be so.  and i'm praying her heart would continue to be soft and yielding toward jesus and His people. 

: :  ken just now began his outpatient therapy that decreased to twice a week.  please pray for us to prioritize the details of our day.  to choose Jesus, to choose love. 

: :  and probably a forever prayer would be that we'd choose to be connected to God so we might understand how we can remain in His story for us and live out His plan for our lives.  all the while magnifying His name.

my gratitude & love,
lindsay

Sunday, February 3, 2013

His love

a friend who really is more like a brother to me challenged me from psalm 116 in the deepest darkest valley moment of this whole experience.

the Lord protects the simplehearted; when i was in great need, He saved me.  (psalm 116:6 niv)

it wasn't even a week since news of the accident - i had a heart that had been racing with the events of the night and tears running freely, i was desperate for something secure.  i so wanted to embrace the challenge, yet honestly did not have the strength or mental power at that point to think into it, "so what does that mean for me?  what do i do with that?" i asked him for more.

"well, what's the opposite of simple?  complicated.  complex, right?"

in that moment, the new world that i was thrown into felt like being in the center of a tornado - fast, furious, and wanting to squeeze my eyes shut until it was all over.  there was just so much unknown, the pain in my heart so very intense.  attack almost unbearable. 

i loved the sound of making this day-to-day of mine simpler.  not just simple for running away from the difficulty simple, but having Something true that in looking to, everything else could fade in the background.

since that day we spoke, i have been wrestling with the Lord for how i could connect the dots in that challenge.  i went before the Lord again and again.  begging Him to show me what it would look like to keep a simplehearted focus in a very un-simple circumstance.

it's manifested itself in different ways over the past months, but this past week i've felt God being really direct to me about having a heart of simplicity.   and it's been found in no crisper a picture than the life of Jesus:  His very purpose for coming to this wreck of a world.  the way He responded to every person He encountered in His 33 years of life here.  why He died.   the way He died.  why He didn't stay dead.    and still, over two thousand years later - the picture no less clear than when he actually walked on this earth --  the way He ministered to my broken heart.   and upheld me when i thought i'd crumble.

this fall - that is when He started in me this idea of being simplehearted.  the weeks went on.  listened to some sermons.  days pass.   read a new friend's blog.  pick up a book i started with our minichurch close to a year ago.  i listen.  i wrestle.  and i'm hearing the very same message.  they all declare what's almost deceivingly simple:  love.   you have something for me, i know.  open my eyes.

i think of the Scripture i know.  if i had to boil it - simplify - how He feels about me:  lovingly.  and if i needed a sole mission for how to spend the rest of my days:  love God.  love others.

it makes my head spin with thoughts yet clears away the clutter all at the same time. 

i breathe in what it feels like to let go of a life that tries to figure and learn and suppose all that God might be changing in my heart through my circumstances.  exactly how He might be making everything work for good.   what to do with the challenges our new life here at home.  how to love a heart-still-healing daughter and a physically-still-healing-husband with a what-on-earth-just-happened-to-us marriage and still do "real life" in the midst of it all.

too exhausting.

i see now that each of those circumstances do not require different methods of approach.  yes, good and right to pray for wisdom and direction in certain areas of decision-making.  yet, in light of this simple heart i believe the Lord's asking me to embrace, it becomes fruitless to run in various directions.

"but the Lord answered her, 'martha, martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things but one thing is necessary.  mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.'"  (luke 10)

while the approach is simple, it - for sure by design - requires such connection with the Father.  if i have eyes of love in each of my day's circumstances, it eliminates the what?  yet creates a deep need for the Spirit for the How?  if i am now clear on mission, that leaves the work of the holy spirit inside of me to handle how that will be accomplished.

"I am the vine; you are the branches.  those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit.  for apart from me you can do nothing."  (john 15:5) 

and there it is.  the Gospel in its simplest form:  God longs for a relationship with me.  so simple, but it took me time to get there.  i think back to the words i've seen all over the pages of my life lately.  things like

I've never left you, nor will I ever leave.  

if the miracle comes too quickly, there is no room for discovery, for relationship.

with...us, Jesus is engaged in a divine romance, wooing us to Himself.

when i first met you i drew you in close to Me.  *


so that makes my time with Him in the morning instrumental.  and trains the thoughts that run throughout the day to be teachable.   if there's one thing i know about love.  the rich, satisfying kind of love, is that it takes time.  time to learn and know and understand.  uncovering layer after layer until you realize you'll never actually be finished learning and understanding - and that's where the richness is found. 

so i will ask God for the power to love.  and then i'll wake up tomorrow and ask again.  i'll regret what i just said, and ask again.  and i'll remind myself that every moment is a "weak moment" because  a heart that wants to be like Jesus needs some serious tapping into the Source.  for i know so very well that without the connection to the Father, my efforts fail.  been there often. . .as i lay my head on the pillow, sky dark with finality of the day. . .the events replay.  conversations, choices, tone, messes tended to that could have been left undone, opportunities left void that held potential.  but instead of seeing it all as failure, i remember my simplehearted focus. . .love.  and know it's that very quality of Jesus that covers it all.  He is just so complete. 



*quoted above:  the praying life by paul miller.  carry me by jenny & tyler.