craving more

the reality is, i am just now starting to uncover what God has been working on in my heart over the past months.  this is really the first time since september 18th that i am able to step back from simply surviving the day and settle in on some things that God might be revealing to me.  i guess that process could have began to unfold a couple weeks ago, but man, oh, man, christmas -- right there.  after ken got home, it felt way closer than just around the corner.

and even in the ways my heart focused on why i actually celebrate the holiday, let's face it.  like beth is saying, things needed to get done. 

yet in those moments i have had . . . a couple dark mornings before the house awakens. . .an open mind to think while mindlessly wrapping presents. . .driving in the car, when "mommmeeeee....you're not answering me!"  breaks the speeding train of my thoughts. . .shining a mirror in front of me, reflecting back my heart after a revealing conversation with a friend.  all those moments, God's using.

i kept assuming that when i would reflect on all i've been through this fall, that i would be bringing up what's happened in the past.  in september of 2012.  october.  november.  all that went on that day the doctors thought perhaps ken had a stroke.  that night the oppression felt no more real than hell itself.  those heartbreaking conversations i would have with our oldest.  having nothing to offer her than my empathetic tears.   interestingly, that's not what my heart's work has been about.

it's been about today.

actually, all of the todays that have happened since ken got home.

not unlike every other human being, the past few months for me have had moments of delight and moments of difficulty.  the kind that make my heart soar and those that break the same heart that was high upon the heights sometimes only hours before.

those darkest of days were bad, unbelievably hard.  and now that ken has made such incredible progress, and is home, life is absolutely filled to the brim with joy.   yet, this rare combination of pure joy wrapped up in the packaging of tragedy, has left me feeling a little lost.

the truth is, life is very new and not normal for us.  ken coming home, does not mean that who we all were before septmeber 18th are returning.  there are new people coming together as a family.  and while i'm finding there's abundant joy in the reuniting of the four of us.  i am also finding it's messy to put four people back together who've been totally changed by the events of the previous three months.  ken's physically different.  the girls' interaction with their daddy is different.  discipline is different.  what the man of his house is physically able to do is different.  our mornings are different. so are our evenings.  the mama's heart is different.  so is ken's.  so is our first-born's.

sending our daughter to preschool last year for two mornings a week was a major, heart-stopping transition for me, so now this.  change, transition.  knowing my make-up, i am recognizing this as opportunity to be needy.  weak.  moldable.  on my knees.  with the hope that it's the way to my feet again.

"get serious, really serious.  get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet."  james 4 the message

so my mind's been abundant in questions and hard-to-come-by with answers.  should the miracle of ken's life wash away the difficulty of today?   chide myself for being discouraged by the weak spots in our new life?

the challenges of this new life of ours are indeed shaded by the incredible, supernatural works of God i witnessed in a very physical world.  not a single time that i glance over at the strong, brown-eyed man before me do i forget to marvel at his very presence in that moment.  and then that's all i need to get my mind started on a run backward, recalling how we got to this place....and in doing so, see the glory of God in it all.

so as life is very not normal for our family right now, the goodness of God does not negate the challenges of today.  the goodness can make me overcome our challenges.  God's goodness in our past is a part of our story because we still have access to same goodness for our struggles today.  the goodness is found in a Person.

 God wants to draw me into Him, but now, to a greater degree than what He did a couple months back.  more is now required.  not only trusting Him when the foundation of my life is rocked, but also my every day.  to a greater degree.  with more spiritual tenacity.  more intentionality.

tonight at after dinner we tried to gather up some meaning into what would have otherwise been an insane last few minutes of dinner with our littles.   knowing ken was beat-up from the day, finding myself with my own chin slumped in my hands, ken reached from a children's jesus calling.

he found the page marked december 27th.  two days, mere hours after celebrating the birth of Jesus.  and read the title of the devotional.

While You Wait.

"WHAT?!"  exclaimed our oldest.  four adults eyes dart at her's for an explanation.   

"again??  we have to wait for Jesus?!"

we had just finished about a month of concentrated waiting with our advent.   eagerly anticipating Jesus' birthday  (and presents, of course).  and our little one's response felt like it could have been my own.  she had just endured what felt like an eternity of waiting.  she made it and great was her reward.  now, two days after it all, she was shocked to hear that there might be more waiting when it has to do with Jesus.

the waiting was made the celebration so joyful though.  my waiting - in the both The big way and in all the little ways - has resulted in a purely amazing gift from the Lord -- my husband.  yet it was the actual waiting where i found my treasure.  the transformation in my heart.  the deeper trust.  the letting go.  and now, just when i don't want to wait for anymore, God is asking me to wait for Him to show up still. in the moments of my days.   to show up when i feel completely lacking.  the waiting certainly has purpose.

"there's more to come:  we continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next.  in alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged.  quite the contrary -- we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!"  romans 5:3-5 the message

what a promise!  the moments become significant under that gleaming light of Truth.  and i'm prayerfully wanting to live it out. 

three ways to thank God

wednesday morning, we woke up to ken being able to put as much weight on his legs as he could tolerate!  he has some getting used to with walking again, but is doing incredible.

that day we also had a follow-up appointment for his fractured C7 and the ligament damage associated with it.  this is the appointment we've been waiting for to determine if he could finally take off the neck brace -- and yep!  it's healed.

and while we were at cooper that morning, we walked across the street over to the hospital, i returned back to the third floor, and i walked  into the Trauma ICU until with Ken to thank once again the heroes who cared for him.  the last time we were in that unit, life was so different, and it wasn't even that long ago.   our friends there made me promise to come back when he was up and walking again, and when i agreed i never imagined the joy it would be.  it was amazing to see everyone again from such a different perspective...it was a fun day for us.

you

knowing there is still a road ahead of reestablishing our family and physical healing for ken, the return of him home is a perfect time to try and express my heart of gratitude to you.  my heart fills to the brim with thankfulness as i reflect on how you've upheld me over these nearly three months. 

over this time, jesus ministered to my soul in a powerfully personal way.  i am so in love with Him - now more than ever.  who God is has brought me peace where only frenzy and panic should have resided.  strength when i would have been left to crumble.  the very nature of His character was more real during this time than ever before.  i felt His actual presence, and i reveled in that gift. 

that could have been enough - just Him.  but because He accomplishes more than i could ever ask or imagine (eph 3:20), He gave me you. 

You who prayed unceasingly.
You who sent me messages full Scripture & encouraging words.
You who mowed our grass.  cleaned our yard.
You who provided meals for our family.
You who woke up in the middle of the night - us on your hearts - and prayed.
You who gave sacrificially to provide for practical needs.
You who fixed to prepare for homecoming.
You who gave me music.
You who came to me at the hospital.
You who gave extravagant gifts.
You who called me.
You who hugged me.  
You who took down my garden.
You who gave to my girls.
You who listened. 
You who provided wisdom.
You who showed up in emergency.
You who helped me not short circuit my christmas lights.
You who came to ken so i could be with our girls.
You who fed our chickens.
You who kept me company.
You who understood.
You who cried with me.
You who asked how we are.
You who kept our life running & served in ways i will never even know about.
You who met me in our time of need. 

each of you are an incredible blessing to me (and ken and the girls).  you were what i needed, and i am certain God is so pleased with your selfless displays of service. 

through those acts of service, you helped champion my faith through this journey, and as a result, you've played an integral role in this story of ours. 

and part of the reason i look back on this part of our story with gladness is because of the moments you invested in our family.  God has certainly showered us with blessings, and you are one of those blessings! 

i have learned from you how to love and serve people in the midst of trial.  in the future, i hope to emulate your example, and serve others like you have us.  thank you for giving of yourselves so we could experience the love and character of Jesus.

all my love & gratitude,
lindsay

I love God because He listened to me

listened as i begged for mercy

He listened so intently

as i laid out my case before Him.

Death stared me in the face,

hell was hard on my heels.

up against in, i didn't know which way to turn;

then i called out to God for help;

"please, God!" i cried out.

"save my life!"

God is gracious - it is He who makes things right,

our most compassionate God.

God takes the side of the helpless;

when i was at the end of my rope, He saved me.

i said to myself, "relax and rest.

God has showered you with blessings.

soul, you've been rescued from death;

eye, you've been rescued from tears;

and you, foot, were kept from stumbling."

what can i give back to God

for the blessings He's poured out on me?

i'll lift high the cup of salvation - a toast to God!

i'll pray in the name of God...

oh, God, here i am, your servant,

your faithful servant: set me free for your service!

i'm ready to offer the thanksgiving sacrifice

and pray in the name of God...

{psalm 116 msg}

Paper whites

The past three days have contained joy overflowing for our family.  I am so thankful to be whole again and share real life with my husband.  Our oldest little one is plain outside herself with happiness and she visible shows her relief in a multitude of ways.  God has been mighty against any attack we could be facing...the Enemy encroached right up to the minute of our day, but at His name, he fled and protection was ours.

the sun declared the joy in our hearts from the pink glaze over the sky at dawn, throughout the moments of our day, and right up until the last orange rays setting in the late afternoon.  We inflated dozens of balloons and strug a welcome home banner across the front of our home.  But God's decorations outshone it all.

the dinner table was complete, and would still have been had we only eaten cereal.   Smiling.  Tears.  Relief.  Comfort.  Familiarity.  Laughter.  Rejoicing.  Grieving.  We celebrated each one as a gift from the Lord.

"call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; I'll rescue you, then throw you a party. "
Psalm 91 MSG

ken had done some horticulture stuff in a recreational therapy.  I had been bringing those growing, living things home this week to help minimize what we brought home Thursday.   one I brought home was a pot full of  barely peeking through paper white bulbs.  I had brought them home early in the week placing them near some sun, not nearly the bold sun that shone through ken's rehab window.  they got the same water.  so,  I was shocked to see how they shot up, like inches, within 36 hours.  I sent a picture to ken...they're really growing.  his thoughts back:  they love our house.  

Oh, that we could be a bit like those paper whites....able to fully flourish and grow now.  everyone together at home.  we've been working so hard at pushing through the dirt over these past months.  hoping that now is a time for maximized growth and blooming.  

Thank you for praying ceaselessly.  You are a treasure to us.