Saturday, October 13, 2012

how i've been praying

i've shared how there have been times when i knew just what to ask God.  and my heart definitely has spent good time directly talking to God about what's going through my fuzzy soul and mind.  there have been beautiful times of pure joy and thanksgiving, when i'd declare the way He swept in and heroically saved the day.  all mixed with the thousands of prayers pleading for kenny's life.   all this i had to do. of course i had to dance and tantrum with God these past weeks - for i wouldn't have survived any other way.

yet, there have been long moments when i simply have no words.  sometimes there simply are none.  i'm pretty convinced that words simply do not exist for some of the terrors my heart's experienced, especially on that first day.

when i was standing in front of a door, opening up, leading me (whether i wanted to or not) into a completely new life i had never known before.  while waving good-bye to a life that, up until that morning, i was so very happy with.

self-consciousness and inhibition flew from me that first morning, and i could do nothing more than spend all my time on my knees.  reading a bible i found in hospital chapel.  with each conversation i had with a doctor, my face got closer to the hospital floor.   i don't think i could "pray" much of anything that morning.   i didn't even know where to possibly begin.  i did the only thing i knew to do: cry out, back to God what He wrote me in His Word.  i became addicted, and couldn't get enough Scripture to satisfy the heaviness in my heart. 

i do remember what i definitely did pray to God that morning - hallway.  knees.  loudly.  tears like never before.  it was be enough.  oh, i knew He certainly was enough.  but, i wanted me to make Him be enough.   Jesus, be enough.  be.  enough.  and it's been the cry of my heart ever since.  even when i have to admit through clenched fists that, yes God, you are creator and powerful.  but No, God.  actually, you aren't enough.  i demand my husband whole.

so, pretty prayer words haven't been a part of my vocabulary - yet, i've never once wanted to stop coming to Him in prayer.  as only a good Father could, He knew this about me, and offers me songs - full and strong with Scripture.  and i'm eating it up.   i love praying verses, and i love even more praying lyrics to songs filled with Scripture.

the shane and shane album "everything is different" has sustained my heart for weeks now.  today, with nervous confidence, i confessed to the Lord that i don't even want my "old" life any more.  today i feel ready for everything to change for our family.  i just want to do it with the three i love most and jesus.

it goes without saying, that i'll be recalibrating my heart toward this again and again - tomorrow, next month, years from now even.  but as for today,  the "i'm alive" song lyrics forced a question about 2 millimeters from my eyeballs:  I've spent the last month showing you that I AM enough.  will I be enough for what you yet know nothing about?

YES.  and when your heart is weak?  yes.  and when you'd rather be comfortable than always on the brink of something new from Me?  yes.   and when it seems like darkness will prevail?  yes.

why can i be so certain that my answer will be yes in the future, for circumstances which i know absolutely nothing about?  because i'm finding there's no goodness in resistance.  there's goodness only in what the Giver sends to me.  and that might be what He means by abundant living - flourishing in life in His presence.  and that's all. 

"i'm alive"
you are telling me
who i really am
i've been crucified with Christ
and i no longer live
but He lives in me
and the life i live
in the flesh i live
by faith
in the Son of God

1 comment:

  1. Linn~mom shared your story and your blog a couple weeks ago, and you guys have been on my heart ever since. Thank you for so faithfully sharing your story here- I read it every night after the boys are tucked in. Not only does it help all of us know how to pray, what's happening is as you lean into God, and you wrestle, and you declare Gods goodness, even in the most difficult thing you have ever had to face, and you proclaim His presence...glory, glory, glory rises up to Him. And this incredible beauty pierces my heart and spurs me on to love Jesus this way too. So, I will keep praying for you, your girls, and your "Sully" man and wait with eager anticipation as God continues to write your story... Much love and prayers, Rach for all us Eshbaughs