eight hours

**UPDATE (7:28pm):  surgery was completed in shorter time than expected.  the orthopedic surgeon was very pleased with how ken did.  they had wanted to perform the surgery prone (on his chest) but he was not ventilating well in that position.  they switched him to laying on his back, and other than that detail, the surgeon has "it could not have gone better." highest praise to God and thank you for praying.

"what, WHAT would have become of me had i not believed that i would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living!  WAIT.  and HOPE for.  and EXPECT the Lord." psalm 27

*UPDATE (3:30pm):  we've received one update so far:  "it's going well."  i'll keep you posted.

so, yeah this is kinda a long time.

but in all my sitting here, between sweet words and hugs making their way to be with me on this otherwise random thursday afternoon in october, i've had an opportunity to just dwell.

god's been gracious to this restless daughter of His.  i'm beginning to see the refreshing fruit that comes in the surrender.   all the stopping my head.  halting my fears.  refusing to give the Enemy a single millimeter of my attention.  it's brought some refreshment to my soul.  i'm still scared a lot, but simply dwelling has brought greater hope than searching for answers that i was never intended to have.

and i'm certain i will work through this whole process again.  when something new and daunting alarms my soul and sends me searching for the peace i've had access to the whole time.  but that's why i'm instructed not to worry about tomorrow (mt. 6:34).  today alone is full of reasons to drop to my knees.

so, i say to my heart again and again:  the reason why the only thing left for me to do is to wait.  hope.  expect.  is because it's futile to do anything else.  anything more than simply waiting, any concern that would cancel out hope,  any fear that would steal eager expectation for something good, has no place because those things aren't yet in existence.

every time i place myself in the smack-dad epicenter of my most horrible nightmare, i'm forgetting one fundamental detail.  jesus would be there.  He would have allowed it, and if He allowed it, it would result in good.   somehow.   ("ALL things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose." romans 8:28)

the truth is - if someone had told me a month ago what would happen in my life within two week's time - i would have certainly collapsed into a dark corner somewhere and wanted to remain there forever.  but now that i'm here - living out what i would have been assured would have been my total demise - i feel i'm being upheld.  this is no small thing given the tragedy i've faced, but it's been God's delight to uphold me during this time.   and if He's offering outstretched arms, i wanna be running into them. 

when i pray, words have been hard to come by.  and as the words for healing and medical wisdom float further from my mind, i've enjoyed how song lyrics can transform into prayers.  today worthy of affection by shane & shane has been on my heart....

"DELIVERER
you brought us out of the miry clay
you

set our feet upon a rock

and made us say
holy is the Lord

we would declare your thoughts about us
it'd be too many to count

so we simply come

and sing of your great love
so we sing
we lift our hands and sing
you are

worthy of affection

you're the radiance of all His glory
let adoration fill this place

you

hold 
everything 
together

by the Word of your immovable power

we sing a song of praise

we are the broken down 
and we are the beaten up

but what can stop us from the song of unending love?

holy is the lord
you are

the treasure 

the hope

the bright morning star

you are the lover of our soul

and you won our hearts

we sing of your great love
 ....
all glory to you, Lord
all glory to you, Lord
all glory to you, Lord

forevermore
forevermore

"worthy of affection" {shane & shane}

jesus, you are the only true deliverer, who can deliver me even from myself when i don't know what to think or where to go.  thank you for setting my emotional and spiritual feet upon a rock.  and for setting kenny upon a rock up to this point.  in all my efforts to pray unceasingly for my husband, i'm forgetting that the thoughts you think about him are too many to even count.  incredible.  he's always on your mind.   teach me how to simply COME to you.  and remember that's where it can end, just in my coming.   quiet my heart and let me just sing of your love, a love that cannot be measured because of its enormity.  thank you that as i wait, hoping the surgeons' hands are precise.  praying for no surprises in the operating room, that you are HOLDING EVERYTHING TOGETHER.  hold ken together, make him whole where he is not.  make me whole where i am not.  thank you that this can be banked on because you power cannot be matched or moved by anything.  in my waiting, teach my heart to sing Your praise.  i feel broken down and beaten up, but help me not stop singing.  you are my treasure.  you are my hope.  only you could win my heart through pain like this.  that's what makes you God.  amen.