James 1:4

In an effort to give Lindsay a little time to rest her heart and mind, we'd like to update all of you on the current situation and prayer needs for Ken and his three girls.

The recent move to rehab gives countless reasons to praise Jesus for the ways He is working in Ken’s life.  We stand amazed at our God.  Lindsay and Ken are so thankful to each and every one of you who have interceded on their behalf, by lifting them up to our Heavenly Father – literally without ceasing.  It’s been an unbelievable blessing.  Yet even now, there is much work to be done.  We continue to pray with faith, asking God to complete the work He has started.

Perhaps the best way to describe the current situation is that it requires God’s very personal and very creative healing hand.  The recovery process for Ken is incredibly intricate and will take time.  His needs are different than they were nearly six weeks ago (praise Jesus), but the need for consistent prayer is no less vital.  The McClure family has a long road ahead of them, yet we believe that God will lead them, giving strength for each step of the way and using it for His glory.  We ask for you to continue to pray for each member of this precious family. Prayer is needed in the following ways…

• for Jesus to calm Ken’s heart and mind and that His presence would be tangibly felt each day (including more restful sleep at night)
• for our Heavenly Father to see each and every need for healing in Ken’s body and begin to work in those places—including full restoration of his pelvis, muscle, lung, and brain functioning
• for energy, strength and a peace that surpasses all understanding for Lindsay as she walks through the challenges that this time brings
• for wisdom for Lindsay about her daily schedule
• for Ken and Lindsay’s daughters -

            that consistent visits can start soon and will be a blessing
            that Jesus will ultimately use this experience to draw the girls’ hearts closer to Him

Thank you for your continued faithfulness,

Jamie & Lauren

 “Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

–James 1:4

Fix My Eyes on Jesus

Yesterday was a day filled to the brim with emotions running all across the spectrum.  It was wonderful because Kenny and I had some good conversations, letting out lots of words and thoughts and experiences that have been hidden in our hearts for a little while.

After the day was nearly complete, and I only had mindlessly straight road ahead of me in a quiet car did was i able to pause long enought to realize one of the reasons why my heart could be so full after such an utterly draining week.  I thanked God for the new experience of walking this road alongside of my husband.

Today was so fulfilling because we were working through the questions.  The fears.  The decisions.  The past.  able to do this together.  It was such a joy because I've so longed for his company because no one can quite get what it actually feels like to be in the circumstance.  When it comes down to it, this is only ken, cayla, savvie, and my life. And it's such a gift from the Lord to have company in a boat that I've been in all by myself for five weeks.  I am praising God for having a huge, beautiful part of my husband and our marriage relationship restored.

We are so grateful for the rehab, it has been a blessing to watch them care for ken so well and be so positive and encouraging.  So, we are forging through a new stage.  One for which I can hardly think about without tears falling down my face.

God has simply been so good to us.  I walked out of cooper hospital, visiting Kenny for the very last time.  I waved goodbye, gave thank you hugs to some angels who literally saved my husband's life - and in doing that - saved mine.  I couldn't contain the tears while I left his room.  Not as I walked down the long hallway back to my car - the same hallway that I cried sorrowful, heartbreaking tears because I was being torn away from my boy for yet another night.  The tears didn't stop in the full elevator. And kept on coming as I found my car in the parking garage.

As I walked, I asked out loud to the Lord:  I can't believe this! What did i do to deserve such grace??  Right away, I heard the Lord say: you did nothing.  and He was right.  God lavishes His goodness, He delights in doing so.  And that is what makes Him God.

And i will gratefully, humbly accept His incredible gift to us of returning me my husband and our girls, their daddy.  Glory and highest praise to the Giver of life.

And, my warrior man.  He still needs our prayers.  His growth has been wonderful and encouraging.  When I asked him what I could be praying for, he said, "that I would keep my eyes fixed on Jesus.".  He said this with a humility that only Ken McClure could.  I am astounded by his determined spirit to look toward the Lord and make the choice not fear about the future.  Questions do pierce his heart, sometimes with fiery darts, but he knows what to do with them.  I am learning an incredible amount from him - and am really enjoying relinquishing the leadership in our family back where it belongs.  He's so desiring to be "back".  He said to me: "I just want to be able to care of you girls." perfect. And you are, my precious man.  Right now, by your sincere heart looking to the Lord amid your most painful, scariest season.  And later - soon - in our home, with crazies begging for his attention and a wife who counts the minutes until he gets home from work so she can spill put the details of the heart throughout the day.

So, please pray that he trusts God with with the details of his day: rigorous therapy sessions.  Quiet moments filled with questions.  Fighting lies from the Enemy.

And please pray he is able to sleep peacefully and restfully at night.

Thank you for being a part of a miracle.  You've upheld us.  Please continue to do so, as this stage of healing is stretching us in new ways requiring even greater focus on the only One who deserves any of our attention.

Hey now, I'm gonna pray for you
Hey now, you're gonna pray for me
Cause what we have been through together is changing us now
Will change us forever
Hey now, I'm gonna pray for you
Hey now, you're gonna pray for me
And it's gonna be different. Yeah.
It's gonna be better. Yeah.
It's gonna be Jesus and all of us in this together.
{Amy Grant}

Had to stop for one minute

Right now, from my view in Kenny's hospital room, even seen through the tears streaming down my face, is a stretcher waiting to take him to rehab.

This glorious day in our life causes me to give great praise and thanksgiving to Jesus.

Thank you for praying.  We are moving forward by the grace of God.

What?  What?? Would have become of me had I not believed I would see the goodness of the Lord while I was here in the land of the living?

Amen.

New mercy

This morning I called to check on Kenny's last several hours and his nurse told me he had been moved to another room - an improvement for sure. This is wonderful. He has a big bright window that shines glistening morning sun. But hopefully we won't be visiting this room for long and he will be heading to rehab.

ken has been able to get words out "over" his trach which has been amazing because it's a million times easier to understand what he's saying, which decreases his frustration.

Looking ahead, physical therapy will try and have him stand early this week. This is at my motivated man's request. It was what he settled for after we said no to him suggesting: "I'm just gonna sprint down the hallway.". You will, my boy, just not right now.

hopefully he will get a swallow test early this week that will result in him being able to have something to drink.

And we are also looking forward to downsizing his trach tube sometime over the next few days.

I am thankful for all the time am able to spend with him - so grateful to be there even, and especially in, the hard moments of his day.

There is so much evidence of God's goodness being  poured out on us and i am beyond thankful for the progress that ken has made.  To cry with, hold, give kisses, and talk with my husband this week has been my greatest joy.

I love how he interacts with each staff member that comes in the room....stretching out his weak arm and extending his hand to initiate a handshake....his intentionality in asking the staff "how are you doing?", working so hard to get it out...i just love seeing their surprised smiles at these actions.....how he shows people his gratitude with visible emotion and thanksgiving....how he responded when he told me he and his dad talked about the accident. I asked him how that conversation made him feel - through tears, and with slow, deliberate words - he managed to place glory squarely where it belongs and say: "it makes me feel like God protected me." 

Wow.  His first response to something so horrifyingly painful and full of loss was thanksgiving.  That's why it was my honor to remind him of the kind of heart he has - full of strength and belief in the Lord.  I told him how, even here, in his hospital bed, he's allowing others to see something different.  I pray they see the only difference is Jesus.  Alive and active, in the heart of a man who has  a perspective from which I want to learn.  This verse reminded me of him:
E
"...I know how it's going to turn out. Through your faithful prayers and the generous response of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, everything he wants to do in and through me will be done.  I can hardly wait to continue on my course....everything happening to me in this jail only serves to make Christ more accurately known, regardless of whether I live or die.  They didn't shut me up; they gave me a pulpit! Alive, I'm Christ's messenger; dead, Im his bounty. Life versus even more life! I can't lose.". (Paul writing in Philippians 1)

Things I'm praying about.....

- for this stage goes fast. He is eager to get to rehab and have some to "work towards".

- that God eases Ken's frustration with his neck brace. He struggles with having to wear it and he has seven more weeks with it on.

- for cayla's heart would be prepared to see ken and that it would be a God infused time.

- for a steady weaning process off kenny's medication.

a refuge

from the beginning, my vulnerability level has been so high.  it began the moment my phone rang while i was blending smoothies for breakfast, reminding myself to go to the craft store for scrapbook paper for savannah's second birthday party that sunday, and continues right through this moment,  thirty-one days later.

a book ken and i were reading in minichurch articulated very clearly that God does not tell us in Scripture that He will give us a refuge.  scriptures say...

He 
is 
the Refuge.

last month, i told kenny how much theological sense that made.  of course, He doesn't give me a cave of protection from the storm.  i completely know why He often chooses not to provide an alternate, safer route than the one lined with thieves and threatening dangers. 

i know why because i'm a worshiper of comfort.  if i was given a cave or a safer route, i'd praise the cave, love that safer route.  i'd worship these things.  i'd love them and seek after them more than God. 

for as much as my head nods in agreement when i read those words in black ink off a white page, my hearts shakes with confusion, thinking, what in the world does that look like - for God to be the refuge?  that's something ken and i were working through in the midst of this life-changing event. 

and as i've had to postpone that conversation with the wiser, see-things-more-clearly, knows-how-to-sort-out-my-messes husband, i'm left to wrestle with this question.  just me and the Lord.   and that places me in a practicum for discovering what it "looks like" for Jesus to be the Refuge. 

Jesus as my Refuge leaves my hands open.  palms up.  willing to walk whatever path the Lord chooses.

Jesus as my Refuge leaves zero room for hindrances that would weigh me down.  there's no time to waste in confessing my sin.  i blow it.  i run to confess.  there's simply no room for it.

Jesus as my Refuge needs the Word of God more than food.  it's hope and assurance and sparkles with God's character.

Jesus as my Refuge trusts in the dark and refuses to accept the world's temptations for peace.

Jesus as my Refuge refutes the Enemy's harsh harsh attacks with God's Truth.

Jesus as my Refuge clings to God's character through worshiping Him.  it never stops singing.  literally.

Jesus as my Refuge chooses to thank God before I ask.

i needed to remind myself of this tonight.  to be vulnerable, i want a cave to run into right now.  i want the easy, or i'd even taker easier path right now.  i feel weak enough.   "my power works best in weakness." (2 cor. 12:9)

nothing traumatic has happened with ken.  still trying to manage his anxiousness.  so, i will graciously and thankfully ask you to keep praying as before.  this road is just getting long.  and i'm simply tired.   and my rebellious heart is longing for this to all be over, and resisting the Arms of her Father. for only right now.

so, it's time for another choice.  i know it's okay to be back here.  and i also know nothing will satisfy my heart like all that is found at the foot of Jesus. 

jenny & tyler {carry me}
broken-hearted i come
my cup empty, my mouth is dry
see how quickly i fall
burdened with darkness
heavy in lies

i want to cry but i can't
i try to stand by i fall down again

i need you to carry me
i need you to carry me
i need you to carry me
when i am weak

o this can't be enough
to just say i'm sorry, to confess my fault
when i've hurt You so much
and now i am asking You to do more

i want to cry, but i can't
i try to stand by i fall down again

i need you to carry me
i need you to carry me
i need you to carry me
when i am weak

i'm always weak...
when i first met you I drew you in close to me
your weaknesses covered with strength and securtity
I've never left you, nor will I ever leave 
child, believe, child, believe

but you are strong...
when i first met you I drew you in close to me
Your weaknesses covered with strength and security
I've never left you, nor will I ever leave
child, believe, child, believe

i need you to carry me
i need you to carry me
i need you to carry me
when i am weak

for prayer today

hi.  your prayers have been powerful and effective, so i am seeking out some more who will stand in the gap with us.

~ i am praying for our oldest daughter's heart.  she's devastated when i leave for the hospital.  and although a recent conversation she had with my sister went really well, C talked to my sister about how she feels like "God is screaming and laughing" at her.  she's dealing with a huge amount of spiritual questions, and i want to consistently point her to jesus while allowing her heart to express all the emotion she wants to.

~ i'm praying for the right balance of medication to be administered to kenny, wisdom and creativity for the doctors for how this can be accomplished.  and perfect communication between them.

~ as ken is more awake, and dealing with a lot of emotions, i am needed at the hospital more hours during the day.  this affects me and the girls in that we are being stretched a great deal.  i'm praying that this stage in the step-down unit would be short.  that God would be gracious and make this room not be his home for long.

thank you - from the bottom of my heart.

A new place

Thank you, Jesus, ken was moved to the step-down unit last night. This is an amazing sign of progress and I am so grateful for the hope this gives me.

Leaving ken was difficult because I feel like he has really just now understood what happened and to simplify it, my man is sad.

Like I had said yesterday, it was so amazing to talk to him and enjoy his company. Yet with his awareness comes some of the emotions and heart-work that I've been able to work through for a month now.

So please pray for his frustration and anxiousness and sadness.  I am praying for God's spirit to fill his room and his heart with peace. And that as we navigate yet another bend of which we do not know the way, God's light would bring about a smooth transition into this next phase of recovery and our new life.

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do."   Isaiah 42:16

what joy

You made a way when there was no way

You covered heaviness with garments of praise

You wrote a song and You're singing it over me

i feel a dead heart beating now

this revelation makes me wanna shout

that Jesus has been sent

and everything is different

You turn ashes into beauty

You are for me

not against me now

You found me somehow

You turn mourning into dancing

You turn weeping into a joyful noise

oh rejoice!

{everything is different shane & shane}

this day is the most miraculous day i've lived yet.  my friend just said to me,  "you have your best friend back".   and that's exactly what i'm celebrating.  and as with each new step during this process, even the ones that have me soaring, new fears arise in my heart.  but, today, they will have no place.  i will declare right now that as far as my concerns for the future, God will surely be enough.  my heart can rest in that tonight, because i'll allow nothing to steal the joy God's freely poured out on us today.

so, yes, today.  i came in today normal time (which has tended to be his sleepiest/most sedated time of the day lately) and expected to see the same person i saw yesterday.  i didn't see the same person.  

the person i met today smiled when i came in.  

we ended up spending over four hours in "conversation" (meaning me trying to create "yes" or "no" questions that he can answer with a nod or shake).  

when i asked the one i've been longing for if i could give him a kiss, he right away pursed his lips to give me one.  

we had hard conversations about what happened.  

we cried together.  

i held him.  

and when i would quiet, and ask if he wanted to to keep talking, i would see a yes.  

leaping heart. 

highest thanks and glory alone to Jesus.  

yes, the Lord has done amazing things for us!  what joy!  psalm 126:3

i am the Lord, the God of all the peoples of the world.  is anything too hard for me?  jeremiah 32:27

how i've been praying

i've shared how there have been times when i knew just what to ask God.  and my heart definitely has spent good time directly talking to God about what's going through my fuzzy soul and mind.  there have been beautiful times of pure joy and thanksgiving, when i'd declare the way He swept in and heroically saved the day.  all mixed with the thousands of prayers pleading for kenny's life.   all this i had to do. of course i had to dance and tantrum with God these past weeks - for i wouldn't have survived any other way.

yet, there have been long moments when i simply have no words.  sometimes there simply are none.  i'm pretty convinced that words simply do not exist for some of the terrors my heart's experienced, especially on that first day.

when i was standing in front of a door, opening up, leading me (whether i wanted to or not) into a completely new life i had never known before.  while waving good-bye to a life that, up until that morning, i was so very happy with.

self-consciousness and inhibition flew from me that first morning, and i could do nothing more than spend all my time on my knees.  reading a bible i found in hospital chapel.  with each conversation i had with a doctor, my face got closer to the hospital floor.   i don't think i could "pray" much of anything that morning.   i didn't even know where to possibly begin.  i did the only thing i knew to do: cry out, back to God what He wrote me in His Word.  i became addicted, and couldn't get enough Scripture to satisfy the heaviness in my heart. 

i do remember what i definitely did pray to God that morning - hallway.  knees.  loudly.  tears like never before.  it was be enough.  oh, i knew He certainly was enough.  but, i wanted me to make Him be enough.   Jesus, be enough.  be.  enough.  and it's been the cry of my heart ever since.  even when i have to admit through clenched fists that, yes God, you are creator and powerful.  but No, God.  actually, you aren't enough.  i demand my husband whole.

so, pretty prayer words haven't been a part of my vocabulary - yet, i've never once wanted to stop coming to Him in prayer.  as only a good Father could, He knew this about me, and offers me songs - full and strong with Scripture.  and i'm eating it up.   i love praying verses, and i love even more praying lyrics to songs filled with Scripture.

the shane and shane album "everything is different" has sustained my heart for weeks now.  today, with nervous confidence, i confessed to the Lord that i don't even want my "old" life any more.  today i feel ready for everything to change for our family.  i just want to do it with the three i love most and jesus.

it goes without saying, that i'll be recalibrating my heart toward this again and again - tomorrow, next month, years from now even.  but as for today,  the "i'm alive" song lyrics forced a question about 2 millimeters from my eyeballs:  I've spent the last month showing you that I AM enough.  will I be enough for what you yet know nothing about?

YES.  and when your heart is weak?  yes.  and when you'd rather be comfortable than always on the brink of something new from Me?  yes.   and when it seems like darkness will prevail?  yes.

why can i be so certain that my answer will be yes in the future, for circumstances which i know absolutely nothing about?  because i'm finding there's no goodness in resistance.  there's goodness only in what the Giver sends to me.  and that might be what He means by abundant living - flourishing in life in His presence.  and that's all. 

"i'm alive"
you are telling me
who i really am
i've been crucified with Christ
and i no longer live
but He lives in me
and the life i live
in the flesh i live
by faith
in the Son of God 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8dVKEhv5vQ

more than enough for today.

the graciousness and goodness of God today has certainly been more than enough.  i am rejoicing today for some wonderful improvements of my man that have been absolute gifts from Jesus - and because of the prayers of so many.

let me take time to give glory to the One who "holds everything together by the word of [His] immoveable power."

so, "i'll sing a song of praise". . .

~ ~ ~

ken's been on the trach collar now since 8 o'clock this morning.  he's doing well on it, and attending trauma doctor thinks he'll stay on until she sees that he needs to go on the vent for a little bit to rest. horray for ventilator standby mode.  as grateful as i am for its lifesaving purpose these past weeks, i so love seeing this thing collect dust in the corner.

this is what the Sovereign Lord says: look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again!  ezekiel 37:5

~ ~ ~

his vitals are awesome.

"you saw me before I was born.  every day of my life was recorded in your book.  every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."  psalm 139:16

~ ~ ~

he's been sitting totally upright in his bed for hours now.  this is another great excercise because it's helping clear his lungs, and it's just plain better to be sitting than laying when you've been laying for close to a month.

"they will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."  isaiah 61:3

~ ~ ~

according to his nurses, he's improving at communicating to them with nods and shakes of his head.

"for this God is our God for ever and ever; He will be our guide even to the end."  psalm 48:14

~ ~ ~

attending trauma doctor thinks he could maybe move to the trauma step-down unit early next week.  let me tell you - unreal.

"The Lord is a warrior; Yahweh is His name."  exodus 15:3


"But you have raised a banner for those who fear you -- a rallying point in the face of attack.  now rescue your beloved people.  answer and save us by your power." psalm 60:4-5 

i won't shrink back.

**UPDATE** radiology has read ken's neck and head MRI from yesterday, and highest praise to Jesus Christ, there was nothing new shown.  i am so very grateful for these results.   thank you thank you for praying.


was thinking the other day how come (thank you, jesus) i'm sleeping settled at night - apart from little girl voices that pitch in the night for my attention - and wondering how i can feel so completely wiped.  guess it was a silly thought because i never accounted for the emotional and spiritual draining that happens day in and day out.  with each victory and obstacle that flings my heart in one direction then another.  Lord, teach my heart to steady.  

i'm finding myself praying on my way to the hospital, Lord help prepare my heart for whatever it is that i will walk into today.  i'm feeling like i need to suit up.   SUIT. UP.

from ephesians 6. . .

"God is strong, and he wants you strong. so take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. and put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. this is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. this is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.  be prepared. you’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. learn how to apply them. you’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. pray hard and long..."

quite honestly, to "learn how to apply" truth.  righteousness.  peace.  faith.  feels like lugging on armor that i'm certain i couldn't walk an inch in, bearing under its weight.  

i don't want to my faith be strong and mighty when my heart leaps with good news from the doctors.  then to shrink back, overwhelmed and intimidated when reports signal my heart to sink. 

so, that's where i am.

and it's no wonder because i definitely have reason to rejoice -- ken has been off the ventilator for over an hour, which means he's breathing on his own and the trach tube is providing oxygen for him.  respiratory is doing this as a little lung workout for him, and he will be put back on the vent in a little bit to let him rest.  even so, this is good news, very good news.  his lungs are progressing.

and my heart sunk today too.  ken's left arm isn't moving, and his left eye is sluggish.  he will be going for an MRI this afternoon to rule out any complications, like a stroke.  please pray all is perfect with him, and the lack of movement is due to something like a pinched nerve or another simply solved issue.

"but we DO NOT belong to those who SHRINK BACK and are destroyed, but to those who have FAITH and are SAVED."  hebrews 10:39

another step.

today, kenny got a tracheostomy.  thank you so so much for praying.  i don't consider it a small thing that God allowed this procedure to go seamlessly.  it's a huge relief to me (and more importantly, for him) to not have the tubes in his mouth and down his throat anymore.

the doctor team is still working on balancing his medication in order to bring him out of sedation (in the coming weeks) yet not bring him to the point of agitation or anxiousness.  some of this, of course, is unavoidable, but it's a process that needs to be covered in prayer.

his lungs are doing well.  he's initiating many breaths on his own, which is awesome.

i am really praying for God to bring peace to kenny's heart as he goes through this process of being weaned off the medication.  i also am praying for this process to go as quickly as possible.  it's difficult to watch kenny go through this, it also makes it a longer process for the girls.  i am really praying for our daughters' hearts, especially our first-born.  her heart is simply broken over missing her daddy this long.  their days are happy, but the nighttime (and sometimes moments in between) are really rough for them.

i know that in God's sovereignty, He allowed this tragedy to happen not only to me and ken, but also to our daughters.  just like He won't let us go from His grip, He will uphold the girls with the same attention and strength.

all i want to do is protect them from any hurt in all this, but i simply can't.  and i'm not meant to.  i am meant to surrender -- yet something else that my fists clench way too tightly -- into the entrusting hands of Someone who knows what will cause them to grow, no, flourish.

i am having to make a purposeful choice to trust this.

and like our jesus storybook bible says when mary questioned the angel telling her that she'd deliver the Deliverer of All into the world.  "so, mary trusted God more than what her eyes could see.  and she believed." 

so, i'll look beyond the tears i see in their eyes.  look beyond their cries for the man of those little girls' dreams.  and while i hold them and tell them to let all the tears flow, i'll trust that there's Something else at work behind the scenes, making it beautiful in His time.  for the two littlest ones this affects as well. 

i'm so grateful to you. 

today.

today has been such a swing of emotions as i process a new (to me) way of healing for ken and also thank God for coming through in such a wonderful way.


you must have been down on your knees all night,  because ken started responding to commands overnight and into today -- so much so that they cancelled the EEG.  i feel confident in this decision, and will take it from a pure gift from Jesus.

ken's breathing has been really great.  still on the ventilator, with talks of doing a tracheostomy possibly tomorrow, he's taking many more breaths on his own now.  i just now talked with respiratory, and she gave me a bit of hope saying, "maybe he won't even need the tracheostomy."  i know she was just saying it in passing, but if there's any chance, i wanna be praying about it for sure.

the primary concern right now is managing kenny's agitation as they wean his sedation.  although he won't remember this, it's a very difficult process for anyone to watch, let alone someone who loves him desperately.  he has been on a great deal of medication in the past weeks, and getting him off is quite a process.   i was warned it would be difficult, yet being forewarned doesn't make actually living it any easier.  i just keep repeating over and over to him, myself, and in the room "peace i leave with you.  my peace i give you.  i do not give to you as the world gives.  do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" (john 14:27)  i am so cognizant that this is a "good problem" and want to praise God that we are even at this stage.  honestly, it feels surreal.  even still.   yet, even his fragile state, just like someone said, "this man still looks like a force to be reckoned with."  love it.

so, please will you pray with me?

~ thanking God that an EEG was not necessary, because He "preemptively" took care of the issue
~ praying for a miracle, that ken could come off the ventilator and not even need the tracheostomy.  if he should require one, they will do that between 11am and 2pm tomorrow.  please pray for this to be a smooth procedure, that will encourage ken's healing.
~ praying for wisdom from nurses and doctors to care beautifully for ken as they try to balance bringing him out of sedation, but not bringing him to the point of agitation (which complicates a bunch of stuff).
~  asking God for the medication weaning process to be smooth and peaceful for him.  

and something else...i could not feel more upheld by everyone's support and pure love for us.  you've given me the absolute greatest gift by your literally ceaseless prayers and practical ways of loving us.  i can't wait for the day when i will share with ken how each of you ministered to me and the girls in ways that caused our hearts to fill with joy in a painful time.  as we are trying to support ken through the sedation weaning process, quite honestly, it's not pretty.  so during this process, i will definitely welcome visitors to the hospital, but i just would ask that i meet you with you in the waiting room/lobby, as opposed to bedside.  thanks so much for understanding this sensitive time of ken's healing. this is a temporary request.

i've been praying this song over us lately. 


A Voice Calling Out

I hear a voice calling out
I hear a voice in this wilderness
 

where darkness has reigned for so long
ground is being taken

the trumpet sounds
and Your glory touches the ground
 

and we all stand in awe
who is this?
 

this glory far beyond us 

 
 i hear a voice
 

i hear a drum beating
heaven's drawing near
 

the sky will open
Your people are being healed
 

i hear a voice
heaven's battle cry
rise
see the sun light what was hidden
heaven's heart beat
see is moving
what was a whisper is now
 a voice calling out
 

i see a generation rising up
no longer accepting lies
running to the battlefield
and losing their lives
 

i see a generation rising up
no longer accepting lies
as a band of worshipers run to the battlefield
they're finding their lives 

i hear a voice 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02GFbsHPbN0

 

next step

**UPDATE FOR ALL YOU CRAZY, FAITHFUL PRAYER WARRIORS**:  got a phone call from sara, kenny's nurse, on my way home from the hospital and he responded to two commands she gave him.  praise you, God, for Your goodness and graciousness.

*UPDATE* i unexpectedly had a few extra minutes, and wanted to give God praise for some amazing things happening.  thinking this would be especially important to do as i wait.  hope for.  and expect Him to do great things for ken's neurological responses. they're below the original post. 

today, i am so thankful that ken's oxygen levels on the ventilator are good.  he's shown a lot of improvement in this area, and this was our number one concern.  he also has both chest tubes taken out.  basically, he is doing more pulmonary work on his own than before.  it's been great to see some forward-motion with his lungs.  i am so so grateful to the Lord for working on this.

another amazing praise in ken's recovery is that he's recovering well from pelvis surgery.

the doctor has lowered kenny's sedation, so he has been quicker to open his eyes when asked.  this is wonderful, and of course, such a gift for me even if it only lasts a couple seconds.

he has been struggling to obey any other neurological commands, which was what prompted the trauma doctor to order a head CT on friday.  since lowering his sedation, not much has changed, and this is surprising to the doctors (the word actually used was "disturbing".)

tomorrow kenny will get an EEG to further rule out any neurological complications.

i am pleading with God for this test to show no problems, and that ken would start responding.  and i am in such need of peace.  to be quite vulnerable, neurological damage has been my primary fear this entire process.  i am certain the Enemy of my heart is at work here, and i'm trying to place my confidence in the Lord alone.  but it's hard.

would you please pray with me over the next couple days, for no issues to be found with ken's head, and that this would all be because of his sedation medication, the anesthesia from surgery, and pain medication?

thank you for standing in the gap with me.

"let thy goodness, like a fetter

bind my wandering heart to thee

prone to wander 

Lord, i feel it

prone to leave the God i love

here's my heart

O take and seal it

seal it for thy courts above"

{come, thou fount of every blessing} 


thank you, jesus....
~ i've been able to enjoy kenny with his eyes open, even if it's just for a moment
~ we ask ken a question, and two different times i saw him nod "yes"
~ his vitals are wonderful
~ (like i said above) his oxygen has been as strong as ever, and his next step is a trecheostomy
~ amazing medical staff, especially sara and how she knew what i needed friday
~ fevers no longer being an issue, so wonderful
~ the pneumonia is improving
~ being able to start weaning him off some of the sedation

and this is just for the past day or so.  we're so blessed.  

CT scan

**UPDATE**  the CT scan showed nothing new in either ken's brain or lungs.  i can express my relief &  thankfulness to God. 

please pray that ken would begin responding neurologically, confirming that his lack of response is due to medication/anesthesia. 

this scare reminded me how very fragile of a state kenny's body is in.  his lungs still need a good deal of strengthening before he can get the tracheostomy.   and each day that goes by without the trech, poses some more risks.   please pray for his lungs to strengthen.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

please pray.  ken is not responding to neurological commands.  it may be because of the anesthesia from surgery or maybe a stroke and brain bleeding.  i just got back from the CT with him. please pray for god's protection from anything worse than it already is.  please pray. 

eight hours

**UPDATE (7:28pm):  surgery was completed in shorter time than expected.  the orthopedic surgeon was very pleased with how ken did.  they had wanted to perform the surgery prone (on his chest) but he was not ventilating well in that position.  they switched him to laying on his back, and other than that detail, the surgeon has "it could not have gone better." highest praise to God and thank you for praying.

"what, WHAT would have become of me had i not believed that i would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living!  WAIT.  and HOPE for.  and EXPECT the Lord." psalm 27

*UPDATE (3:30pm):  we've received one update so far:  "it's going well."  i'll keep you posted.

so, yeah this is kinda a long time.

but in all my sitting here, between sweet words and hugs making their way to be with me on this otherwise random thursday afternoon in october, i've had an opportunity to just dwell.

god's been gracious to this restless daughter of His.  i'm beginning to see the refreshing fruit that comes in the surrender.   all the stopping my head.  halting my fears.  refusing to give the Enemy a single millimeter of my attention.  it's brought some refreshment to my soul.  i'm still scared a lot, but simply dwelling has brought greater hope than searching for answers that i was never intended to have.

and i'm certain i will work through this whole process again.  when something new and daunting alarms my soul and sends me searching for the peace i've had access to the whole time.  but that's why i'm instructed not to worry about tomorrow (mt. 6:34).  today alone is full of reasons to drop to my knees.

so, i say to my heart again and again:  the reason why the only thing left for me to do is to wait.  hope.  expect.  is because it's futile to do anything else.  anything more than simply waiting, any concern that would cancel out hope,  any fear that would steal eager expectation for something good, has no place because those things aren't yet in existence.

every time i place myself in the smack-dad epicenter of my most horrible nightmare, i'm forgetting one fundamental detail.  jesus would be there.  He would have allowed it, and if He allowed it, it would result in good.   somehow.   ("ALL things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose." romans 8:28)

the truth is - if someone had told me a month ago what would happen in my life within two week's time - i would have certainly collapsed into a dark corner somewhere and wanted to remain there forever.  but now that i'm here - living out what i would have been assured would have been my total demise - i feel i'm being upheld.  this is no small thing given the tragedy i've faced, but it's been God's delight to uphold me during this time.   and if He's offering outstretched arms, i wanna be running into them. 

when i pray, words have been hard to come by.  and as the words for healing and medical wisdom float further from my mind, i've enjoyed how song lyrics can transform into prayers.  today worthy of affection by shane & shane has been on my heart....

"DELIVERER
you brought us out of the miry clay
you

set our feet upon a rock

and made us say
holy is the Lord

we would declare your thoughts about us
it'd be too many to count

so we simply come

and sing of your great love
so we sing
we lift our hands and sing
you are

worthy of affection

you're the radiance of all His glory
let adoration fill this place

you

hold 
everything 
together

by the Word of your immovable power

we sing a song of praise

we are the broken down 
and we are the beaten up

but what can stop us from the song of unending love?

holy is the lord
you are

the treasure 

the hope

the bright morning star

you are the lover of our soul

and you won our hearts

we sing of your great love
 ....
all glory to you, Lord
all glory to you, Lord
all glory to you, Lord

forevermore
forevermore

"worthy of affection" {shane & shane}

jesus, you are the only true deliverer, who can deliver me even from myself when i don't know what to think or where to go.  thank you for setting my emotional and spiritual feet upon a rock.  and for setting kenny upon a rock up to this point.  in all my efforts to pray unceasingly for my husband, i'm forgetting that the thoughts you think about him are too many to even count.  incredible.  he's always on your mind.   teach me how to simply COME to you.  and remember that's where it can end, just in my coming.   quiet my heart and let me just sing of your love, a love that cannot be measured because of its enormity.  thank you that as i wait, hoping the surgeons' hands are precise.  praying for no surprises in the operating room, that you are HOLDING EVERYTHING TOGETHER.  hold ken together, make him whole where he is not.  make me whole where i am not.  thank you that this can be banked on because you power cannot be matched or moved by anything.  in my waiting, teach my heart to sing Your praise.  i feel broken down and beaten up, but help me not stop singing.  you are my treasure.  you are my hope.  only you could win my heart through pain like this.  that's what makes you God.  amen.

right now

ken had a good night last night.  no fevers, blood oxygen good, good oxygen overall.  i am so grateful for forward motion and thankful beyond belief that he seems healthy enough to complete the surgery.  praise god.

the plan was, if he had a good night, to send him into the OR for pelvis surgery later this afternoon.  i just now got a call from his nurse, and he will be headed for surgery within the hour.

please pray with me.  the surgery will take between 5 and 8 hours, so keep them coming until later into the night.

some suggestions for prayer:
1.  the surgery to be 100% effective, with zero complications

2.  for perfect accuracy from the orthopedic surgeons.

3.  for God to be ken's shield of protection (mainly for his lungs, that they'd remain strong throughout the surgery)

4.  for quick healing and that this would be a beautiful physical turning point for his recovery.

5.  for peace as we wait the long hours until it's completed

6.  for our daughters to go to sleep easily tonight, as i won't be able to be home for bedtime.


we can't express our thankfulness to you. (i'll try and update on the blog throughout the surgery as information comes my way)

fevers

"when he came near the place where the road goes down the mount of olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise god in loud voices...."if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out."  (luke 19)

before any stones start giving God glory when i should be, i wanted to jump on here quick and say THANK YOU, GOD for allowing ken to be free of fevers for over 24 hours.   considering ken's two big issues yesterday were his agitation and fevers, and now the fevers have been gone for a while,there's great reason to praise. 

thank you for praying doesn't even begin to express my gratitude.  please pray that they stay away.  his last temperature was 100.1, which is good, but they need to remain down. 

"you have said, 'seek My face [inquire for and require My presence as your vital need].  my heart says to You, Your face [Your presence], Lord, will i seek, inquire for, and require [of necessity and on the authority of Your Word].  [what, what would have become of me] had i not believed that i would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living!  wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring.  yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord."  psalm 27 amp

i thought that one of the biggest spiritual struggles i would have throughout this experience would be the proactive seeking out of the Lord.  that i would spend so much time working to hear from God, trying to determine His specific purpose for me during this time. 

while my days have certainly included proactively bringing my raw, raw heart before the Lord, and clinging to Scripture like it was the air i breathe, i'm finding something different is required.  it's way more difficult that running in a certain direction.  it's more complicated than trying to figure out this utter mess going on in my heart.  it's something more still, and it certainly doesn't work.

i know the Lord wants me to WAIT.  to HOPE.  to EXPECT.   honestly (& embarrassingly), this is painful for me.  so, i want to make that shift.  i want to come to the Lord with my weakness, and trust in His promise that that's where His strength can be magnified.  Oh, Jesus, that my heart would never get in the way of the wonderful display of your strength and power. 

need for prayer & thank you

**SMALL UPDATE TO THIS POST:  after speaking with the trauma doctor this afternoon, he articulated two main issues for ken right now.  (1) his fevers - figuring out the cause and praying that the changes in medication will eliminate them.   (2) his agitation.  ken seems to be very unsettled a lot of the time, which isn't good for the healing process.  i am praying that the holy spirit inside of ken would pour out his peace and rest into him.  i pray God's presence would fill this room and his heart with an assurance that only He can give.  thank you for continuing to pray.  i know you're sharing this burden along with me.**

it seems now more than ever that kenny's fevers need to cease altogether.  the doctors here and at infectious disease still have no clear arrow pointing to their source.  the trauma doctors will be changing all of his medications to see if they are creating a reaction in him.  in a little bit, i will talk to one of the doctors, but after talking to his nurse today, there was no clear plan for what to do if the switching up of medication is ineffective.

i know all of this is happening under the purposeful control and careful love of our Father, but i am struggling right now with what seems like to me a dead end with knowing how to alleviate ken's fevers.  i'm praying for these fevers to completely go away.   i so desire God to come through for us here - so praying He will save the day.  the waiting for it seems unbearable right now.  jesus, help me wait.

"but if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."  romans 8:25

"the Lord, the King of Israel is with you; never again will you fear any harm.  on that day they will say to jerusalem, 'do not fear, do not let you hands hang limp.  the Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save.'"  zeph. 3:15-17

"i was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations.  satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees.  no danger then of walking around high and mighty.  at first i didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it.  three times i did that, and then he told me, 'my grace is enough; it's all you need.  my strength comes into its own in your weakness.'  once i heard that, i was glad to let it happen.  i quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift.  it was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness."  2 corinthians 12

oh, jesus, that i would not let this get me down.  may your grace - just enough for today - push me to my knees, and allow you to do your best work.  amen.

and thanks for God, one of ken's chest tubes was removed - this is good.  praise God.

also, i am beyond thankful for everyone who was able to make it to the little prayer walk he had for kenny.  i felt so loved by your support and notes, and mostly, your prayers.  thank you thank you for standing in the gap for us.