craving more

the reality is, i am just now starting to uncover what God has been working on in my heart over the past months.  this is really the first time since september 18th that i am able to step back from simply surviving the day and settle in on some things that God might be revealing to me.  i guess that process could have began to unfold a couple weeks ago, but man, oh, man, christmas -- right there.  after ken got home, it felt way closer than just around the corner.

and even in the ways my heart focused on why i actually celebrate the holiday, let's face it.  like beth is saying, things needed to get done. 

yet in those moments i have had . . . a couple dark mornings before the house awakens. . .an open mind to think while mindlessly wrapping presents. . .driving in the car, when "mommmeeeee....you're not answering me!"  breaks the speeding train of my thoughts. . .shining a mirror in front of me, reflecting back my heart after a revealing conversation with a friend.  all those moments, God's using.

i kept assuming that when i would reflect on all i've been through this fall, that i would be bringing up what's happened in the past.  in september of 2012.  october.  november.  all that went on that day the doctors thought perhaps ken had a stroke.  that night the oppression felt no more real than hell itself.  those heartbreaking conversations i would have with our oldest.  having nothing to offer her than my empathetic tears.   interestingly, that's not what my heart's work has been about.

it's been about today.

actually, all of the todays that have happened since ken got home.

not unlike every other human being, the past few months for me have had moments of delight and moments of difficulty.  the kind that make my heart soar and those that break the same heart that was high upon the heights sometimes only hours before.

those darkest of days were bad, unbelievably hard.  and now that ken has made such incredible progress, and is home, life is absolutely filled to the brim with joy.   yet, this rare combination of pure joy wrapped up in the packaging of tragedy, has left me feeling a little lost.

the truth is, life is very new and not normal for us.  ken coming home, does not mean that who we all were before septmeber 18th are returning.  there are new people coming together as a family.  and while i'm finding there's abundant joy in the reuniting of the four of us.  i am also finding it's messy to put four people back together who've been totally changed by the events of the previous three months.  ken's physically different.  the girls' interaction with their daddy is different.  discipline is different.  what the man of his house is physically able to do is different.  our mornings are different. so are our evenings.  the mama's heart is different.  so is ken's.  so is our first-born's.

sending our daughter to preschool last year for two mornings a week was a major, heart-stopping transition for me, so now this.  change, transition.  knowing my make-up, i am recognizing this as opportunity to be needy.  weak.  moldable.  on my knees.  with the hope that it's the way to my feet again.

"get serious, really serious.  get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet."  james 4 the message

so my mind's been abundant in questions and hard-to-come-by with answers.  should the miracle of ken's life wash away the difficulty of today?   chide myself for being discouraged by the weak spots in our new life?

the challenges of this new life of ours are indeed shaded by the incredible, supernatural works of God i witnessed in a very physical world.  not a single time that i glance over at the strong, brown-eyed man before me do i forget to marvel at his very presence in that moment.  and then that's all i need to get my mind started on a run backward, recalling how we got to this place....and in doing so, see the glory of God in it all.

so as life is very not normal for our family right now, the goodness of God does not negate the challenges of today.  the goodness can make me overcome our challenges.  God's goodness in our past is a part of our story because we still have access to same goodness for our struggles today.  the goodness is found in a Person.

 God wants to draw me into Him, but now, to a greater degree than what He did a couple months back.  more is now required.  not only trusting Him when the foundation of my life is rocked, but also my every day.  to a greater degree.  with more spiritual tenacity.  more intentionality.

tonight at after dinner we tried to gather up some meaning into what would have otherwise been an insane last few minutes of dinner with our littles.   knowing ken was beat-up from the day, finding myself with my own chin slumped in my hands, ken reached from a children's jesus calling.

he found the page marked december 27th.  two days, mere hours after celebrating the birth of Jesus.  and read the title of the devotional.

While You Wait.

"WHAT?!"  exclaimed our oldest.  four adults eyes dart at her's for an explanation.   

"again??  we have to wait for Jesus?!"

we had just finished about a month of concentrated waiting with our advent.   eagerly anticipating Jesus' birthday  (and presents, of course).  and our little one's response felt like it could have been my own.  she had just endured what felt like an eternity of waiting.  she made it and great was her reward.  now, two days after it all, she was shocked to hear that there might be more waiting when it has to do with Jesus.

the waiting was made the celebration so joyful though.  my waiting - in the both The big way and in all the little ways - has resulted in a purely amazing gift from the Lord -- my husband.  yet it was the actual waiting where i found my treasure.  the transformation in my heart.  the deeper trust.  the letting go.  and now, just when i don't want to wait for anymore, God is asking me to wait for Him to show up still. in the moments of my days.   to show up when i feel completely lacking.  the waiting certainly has purpose.

"there's more to come:  we continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next.  in alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged.  quite the contrary -- we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!"  romans 5:3-5 the message

what a promise!  the moments become significant under that gleaming light of Truth.  and i'm prayerfully wanting to live it out. 

three ways to thank God

wednesday morning, we woke up to ken being able to put as much weight on his legs as he could tolerate!  he has some getting used to with walking again, but is doing incredible.

that day we also had a follow-up appointment for his fractured C7 and the ligament damage associated with it.  this is the appointment we've been waiting for to determine if he could finally take off the neck brace -- and yep!  it's healed.

and while we were at cooper that morning, we walked across the street over to the hospital, i returned back to the third floor, and i walked  into the Trauma ICU until with Ken to thank once again the heroes who cared for him.  the last time we were in that unit, life was so different, and it wasn't even that long ago.   our friends there made me promise to come back when he was up and walking again, and when i agreed i never imagined the joy it would be.  it was amazing to see everyone again from such a different perspective...it was a fun day for us.

you

knowing there is still a road ahead of reestablishing our family and physical healing for ken, the return of him home is a perfect time to try and express my heart of gratitude to you.  my heart fills to the brim with thankfulness as i reflect on how you've upheld me over these nearly three months. 

over this time, jesus ministered to my soul in a powerfully personal way.  i am so in love with Him - now more than ever.  who God is has brought me peace where only frenzy and panic should have resided.  strength when i would have been left to crumble.  the very nature of His character was more real during this time than ever before.  i felt His actual presence, and i reveled in that gift. 

that could have been enough - just Him.  but because He accomplishes more than i could ever ask or imagine (eph 3:20), He gave me you. 

You who prayed unceasingly.
You who sent me messages full Scripture & encouraging words.
You who mowed our grass.  cleaned our yard.
You who provided meals for our family.
You who woke up in the middle of the night - us on your hearts - and prayed.
You who gave sacrificially to provide for practical needs.
You who fixed to prepare for homecoming.
You who gave me music.
You who came to me at the hospital.
You who gave extravagant gifts.
You who called me.
You who hugged me.  
You who took down my garden.
You who gave to my girls.
You who listened. 
You who provided wisdom.
You who showed up in emergency.
You who helped me not short circuit my christmas lights.
You who came to ken so i could be with our girls.
You who fed our chickens.
You who kept me company.
You who understood.
You who cried with me.
You who asked how we are.
You who kept our life running & served in ways i will never even know about.
You who met me in our time of need. 

each of you are an incredible blessing to me (and ken and the girls).  you were what i needed, and i am certain God is so pleased with your selfless displays of service. 

through those acts of service, you helped champion my faith through this journey, and as a result, you've played an integral role in this story of ours. 

and part of the reason i look back on this part of our story with gladness is because of the moments you invested in our family.  God has certainly showered us with blessings, and you are one of those blessings! 

i have learned from you how to love and serve people in the midst of trial.  in the future, i hope to emulate your example, and serve others like you have us.  thank you for giving of yourselves so we could experience the love and character of Jesus.

all my love & gratitude,
lindsay

I love God because He listened to me

listened as i begged for mercy

He listened so intently

as i laid out my case before Him.

Death stared me in the face,

hell was hard on my heels.

up against in, i didn't know which way to turn;

then i called out to God for help;

"please, God!" i cried out.

"save my life!"

God is gracious - it is He who makes things right,

our most compassionate God.

God takes the side of the helpless;

when i was at the end of my rope, He saved me.

i said to myself, "relax and rest.

God has showered you with blessings.

soul, you've been rescued from death;

eye, you've been rescued from tears;

and you, foot, were kept from stumbling."

what can i give back to God

for the blessings He's poured out on me?

i'll lift high the cup of salvation - a toast to God!

i'll pray in the name of God...

oh, God, here i am, your servant,

your faithful servant: set me free for your service!

i'm ready to offer the thanksgiving sacrifice

and pray in the name of God...

{psalm 116 msg}

Paper whites

The past three days have contained joy overflowing for our family.  I am so thankful to be whole again and share real life with my husband.  Our oldest little one is plain outside herself with happiness and she visible shows her relief in a multitude of ways.  God has been mighty against any attack we could be facing...the Enemy encroached right up to the minute of our day, but at His name, he fled and protection was ours.

the sun declared the joy in our hearts from the pink glaze over the sky at dawn, throughout the moments of our day, and right up until the last orange rays setting in the late afternoon.  We inflated dozens of balloons and strug a welcome home banner across the front of our home.  But God's decorations outshone it all.

the dinner table was complete, and would still have been had we only eaten cereal.   Smiling.  Tears.  Relief.  Comfort.  Familiarity.  Laughter.  Rejoicing.  Grieving.  We celebrated each one as a gift from the Lord.

"call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; I'll rescue you, then throw you a party. "
Psalm 91 MSG

ken had done some horticulture stuff in a recreational therapy.  I had been bringing those growing, living things home this week to help minimize what we brought home Thursday.   one I brought home was a pot full of  barely peeking through paper white bulbs.  I had brought them home early in the week placing them near some sun, not nearly the bold sun that shone through ken's rehab window.  they got the same water.  so,  I was shocked to see how they shot up, like inches, within 36 hours.  I sent a picture to ken...they're really growing.  his thoughts back:  they love our house.  

Oh, that we could be a bit like those paper whites....able to fully flourish and grow now.  everyone together at home.  we've been working so hard at pushing through the dirt over these past months.  hoping that now is a time for maximized growth and blooming.  

Thank you for praying ceaselessly.  You are a treasure to us.

it's been all glory today

thursday is homecoming, like, as in this upcoming week - and we are turning inside out!

the best part about the news was the interaction i had with my sweet first-born.  because she and i are the ones directly living with ken i guess we shared something throughout all of this that was unique to only the two of us.  so that made the celebration with her all the sweeter.

i was on the phone with ken and then he shared the news with the girls himself.  she was shocked and overjoyed at the same time.   "the sad is over!" she breathed.

a mix of relief and disbelief flooding her face at the same time.   we all prayed together over the phone, thanking the Giver of this gift.  she goes first, with both a joy & sincerity i don't think i could describe, it's her heart all unloading:   "oh, dear jesus, thank you.  thank you thank you thank you.  you've made daddy better, and i just thank you so much.  amen."

...we're in the driveway now.  not yet out of our seatbelts.  i turn around to her.  "can you believe it?" "no" she sighs, hands over her mouth.  i'm out of the car.  unbuckle her happy heart.    i hold her for only the few seconds she'll allow.  it's all she can take before wanting to skip off.  she is lighter that moment, more free.

she tends to the barbie jeep for a moment, i take out bags of groceries, return for more, but before i can be distracted by the temporary, i catch a glimpse of the eternal.

there she is.  on the driveway, on her knees, hands folded head bowed.   i sit down next to her.  wait until she looks at me.  "can I pray with you?"  i ask as if she needs my help to talk to her Father.

nope, i'm all done!  

and off she went.  that portion of our asphalt driveway will never look the same again.

you've prayed us to this point - thank you for fighting with us.  we're so grateful.  

wednesday

UPDATE 4:40pm:  Thank you so very much for your faithful prayers for us today.  After talking  to the surgeon who performed Ken's pelvis surgery, he was given permission for partial-weight bearing.  In two weeks, he can put as much weight on his leg as feels comfortable to him.  Dr. Graff could not even see the fractures in Ken's pelvis because they've healed so beautifully! He was amazed to actually meet ken and affirmed what progress he has made.  Although we were hoping and praying for total weight allowance, Dr. Graff made us see how waiting the additional two weeks for weight will help protect his body for the long-term and since he is so young, it was best to not push the clearance.  We do feel bummed and Ken said he just wants to experience more progress quicker, but he also said putting weight on the leg is so close.  So we will wait on God's perfect timing.  We are confident this was God's decision for this, and are choosing to see it as God's protection for the future.  Short term sacrifice on his part, for a better long-run.  And as we said goodbye, shook Dr. Graff's hand and opened the office door to leave, we were literally blinded by a floor to ceiling window framing the most gorgeous sunset we may have ever seen.  It was a perfect picture of God's faithfulness to make all things beautiful in His time.  and that's all we really want.  Thank you Jesus for a pelvis that's healing amazingly and for the joy it is to place our lives in Your hands.  


UPDATE: ken's appointment is at 1pm today.  Thank you for reaching out to tell us that you're praying for this outcome.  I am eager to see God display His authority today.  "the mind of man plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps." proverbs 16:9.  I will let you know.

we will return to cooper hospital this week to meet with kenny's orthopedic surgeon, and get some answers for the progress of healing in his hip (from the pelvis surgery on october 4th).

this appointment not only feels medically and physically pivotal in revolutionizing kenny's mobility and independence, but also is coming at a critical time emotionally & spiritually for our family.

as we were talking today, ken expressed how important he felt it was that we gather people to pray for this outcome.  we have talked about many possible outcomes for the short-term future and discussed a lots of things we're hoping for in the days and weeks to come....so when he mentioned having people pray, i had to ask:  so, what should we be asking God for in this situation?  (code for exactly how bold are we getting here)  

his therapists have suggested that he'll likely be allowed first a "toe touch" weight bearing clearance, then another step or two more freedom before the full-fledged, total weight-on-your-foot-good-to-go clearance.  guess we shouldn't stop here with praying for miracles.

i thought ken's answer to my question - what we should be asking God for - was perfectly succinct, so pretty much in his words...."i just feel it's very important now that i get home as soon as possible.  for the girls - it's hard for them to process the hope of me returning home to them without me actually being there because they can't process time well, and we don't exactly know how much longer i'll be here.  and the more comfortable they get with me, the more they miss me."

so, for wednesday, we are asking that ken's left leg would be allowed 100% weight.  and that this week, we would be able to get a specific discharge date so we can start countdown to it
It seems like so much is hinging on this appointment - because once the doctors know the results, they will be able to better determine a discharge time frame.  "a discharge date would be the tangible hope the girls need.  every morning they wake up, they could rip a link off the chain."

i am ready.  we're all ready.  there's just so many layers to the working through and processing of a tragedy like this....these past couple weeks have been a lot.  we often find ourselves in the midst of conversation, going only several sentences at a time before a need comes up so loud & clear, and one of us is saying wait.  let me pray about that real quick. right now. 

we are trying to navigate the muddy waters of each of our hearts, and then it's the sweet hearts of our girls - doing the same for them...even littlest lady, who seemed pretty unfazed, is being adamant about seeing her daddy and out of the blue missing him.  it's getting long and the hard questions from our oldest keep coming.  her heart is longing for the security that only a Daddy can provide. 

and it was an honor to pray about this with him tonight.  being a man with not an ounce of pretense, i can always count on his words being sincere, and as he cried out to God about wednesday, it was on behalf of "his girls".   i'm learning from a selfless heart.  we found ourselves praying, "even if He doesn't...."  and even if He doesn't, we will trust.  even if He doesn't, we will thank.

thank you for partnering with us.  you're a treasure.  

thank You, jesus.

...thank You for the perfectly sound mind you restored.  you performed an actual miracle.  you made what should never have happened, happen.
...thank You for being home.
...thank You for the purity of being able to worship.
...thank You that my happy, kissing, snuggly littlest lady makes my heart overflow with joy and causes my all my circumstances to fade in the background in the light of her presence.
...thank You for a sense of belonging.
...thank You for singing loud, fun songs with the girls in the car.
...thank You for how my deep-thinking, spiritually-minded little lady is teaching me about a trust that's truly child-like.
...thank You for my heroic, selfless family that gave me the sweetest gify of precious time with my husband.
...thank You for deuteronomy 30:19
...thank You for using the powerful prayers of many to save my husband's life.
...thank You for life-restoring medical tools.
...thank You for professionals who have made many beautiful differences in my life - in both the big ways and small.
...thank You for my in-law family.
...thank You for sunshine on my face.
...thank You for good hugs.
...thank You for the complicated made simple.
...thank You for sisters.  four generations worth.
...thank You for psalm 27.
...thank You for candles.
...thank You for teaching me with that i would least expect.
...thank You for hope.
...thank You for familiarity.
...thank You for outside on the roof.
...thank You for the humbling experience, almost daily, of being loved tangibly and practically by friends.
...thank You for del frisco's.
...thank You for seeing a sense of humor, unexpected joy.
...thank You for accepting me, no changes necessary.
...thank You for Truth.
...thank You for ears that endlessly listen.
...thank You for knowing when it's too much.
...thank you for rescuing my husband from death's shadow.
...thank You for the challenge to make You enough.

lately with us

there was a gift in the first four or five weeks after the accident.  as i've shared before, i had time like never before to sit before God in stillness and with no direction other than how He led life in that moment.  i felt like i was actively in God's presence more waking hours in the day than i was not.

as life has changed, as God answered my prayers with a "yes!",  i am finding i need to be more purposeful about my time with the Lord.  i am still very eager to hear from Him.  so wanting to know how this all can count for something.  something that will cause all the pain our family has gone through to not have happened in vain.  something for eternity. i long to be permanently transformed.

and although, i had grown quite fond of my little life, i want to be a part of something bigger.

no, that's not quite right.

i just want to make Christ bigger.   and we praying about that.  (and it's been amazing to say we.  because ken feels it too.)

these thoughts take me back a few years to our minichurch's study with john piper.  one of his themes was seeing the purpose of our lives as to be like a telescope.  my mission being to make God big, made known.  i've been thinking about it more often lately, and had an interesting realization.

since a young age, i've had a genuine interest in wanting to honor God with my life.  time and life experiences have ushered me into deeper arenas of trust.  requiring more release of my own desires, and i've been challenged to place a stronger grip on the character of God.   there have been many seasons of my life where this was on the major backburner, and i've come to regret the ego that initiated those seasons.  and so it was - a step forward, two back - a pace with which i've become familiar in my spiritual journey.

in my forward steps on the path, i've seen God as a tool or a resource to accomplish what He and i thought was a good idea.  how do i honor you in my career choice?  what medical decision should we make for our daughter?  what's the best way for us to serve our minichurch?  lead me in my anxiousness, please.  how should we steward our money?  all me using God as a method to try and honor Him.  probably because i know that's the quickest way for things to go well for ME!

while God is very much needed for each of those, i've seen some deep selfishness in that mentality. 

how might it be if instead of God being the tool, Jesus was my whole life and i'm the tool?  what if every day i presented my life before the Lord?  blank.  assumption-less.  

the former has a built-in filter before God where i am the one determining how things go.  i've already headed down a path, and will use God as a consultant.  i'm assuming a decision needs to be made for our daughter.  maybe one doesn't need to be made right now.  i think that anxiousness is what i'm dealing with, what if it's not the root at all?

the latter makes no pre-planned agenda for how "it" should go, but rather prepares for an unexpected bend. 

the contrast is subtle in my head, but i am willing to bet the results wouldn't be.

i have no plan for how to do this.  perhaps that is a good start:  no plan at all.  just an intentional spirit.  moment by moment.

. . . 

we still hunger for your prayer:

~ for a heart that kneels before God each day (and in between), cleaning my slate of expectation

~ for the orthopedic appointment on november 28th to give awesome news - that ken would be able to put weight on his left leg

~ that God would heal his left arm, as it has very little strength and pretty significant nerve damage.  (probably related to his C7 fracture, the brain injury, or the impact of the hit itself - or all three).  that ken would be able to see the progress he's making with his arm, and that we would trust God for 100% recovery in strength and function of his left arm

~ praise God for kenny's PEG tube coming out successfully today

~ praise God for being home again.  the joy is incredible, and i can't describe how different it feels from when i left.  every inch of my home is bright where darkness lurked.   we love spending time here

~ praise for noticeable progress each day in therapy

thanks giving tree

 the girls and i are doing a thanks giving tree this year, found here:  thanks giving tree

we do it at breakfast, and it's been a little crazy, but i am enjoying some purposeful time to dwell on thankfulness Scripture & share that time with the girls.

i thought i'd post it here because if we have anything to thank God about, it's on this blog.  this was today's verse:

but thanks be to god!  he give us the victory through our lord jesus christ.  1 cor 15:57

praising God for victory today...

an anchor

i was listening to a jenny & tyler song called anchored in love.  i had heard it before, after the "worst" had been behind me in this whole experience.  i felt like i was so able to resonate with part of the lyrics, saying, the tempest is o'er / i'm safe evermore / what gladness what what rapture is mine / the danger is past / i'm anchored at last / i'm anchored in love Divine

i felt like i was celebrating with those words, thinking, "yes!  the worst is behind ken & i; i'm safe at last."  and every time i've heard this song since, i have sung the lyrics with that perspective - assuring myself how safe i was because God has chosen to spare ken's life and allow him to make so much headway in his healing.

yesterday, while driving, anchored in love was playing again and i started thinking about our future and how thankful i am that things have turned out so well.  and even though we are in a difficult-in-a-new-way stage, praising God for the goodness of where we are right now.  within a second, my mind shifted from thanksgiving to what-ifs to fear, and i could sense the grip on the steering wheel getting strong and my hands getting sweaty.

how does the fear slip in so quickly?   i thought about the lyrics of the song.  "i'm anchored in Love Divine"  i realized (again) that my assurance for the future was anchored in the wrong source.  i had been believing that when the tempest was over, then i could experience relief.  when the danger had past, then i could breathe easy.  woah, that's so wrong.  while i am certain God delights in our storms settling and the dangers in our path moving out of the way, i had it all wrong.

the danger can be past at any time, really.  i can be safe regardless of my circumstances.  the tempest (which cambridge simply defines as "a violent storm")  can lose its threat and destruction right in the middle of the worst.

the anchor is not found in all the removal of all these perils, but remaining anchored in a Love that assures of his goodness in the midst of the fire. 

that insight confronted me with questions i've been facing often throughout this process:  where will your assurance lie even in the healing doesn't come?  even if the battles rages on and you're weary?  where will your assurance be when you fear the uncertainty of future trials you will face? 

i want to be caught up in a Divine Love even when i don't know what's coming my way next.  that is my anchor.  that holds me safe.  steadfast.

and in only the way God could orchestrate, hours later, ken and i listened together to louie giglio speaking on "hope when life hurts most." and his message couldn't have been more clear that God was up to challenging me in this. 

he referenced john 16:33

"i have told you all this so that you may have peace in me.  here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows.  but take heart, because i have overcome the world (!)"

those times are going to come.  and this tragedy isn't it for our family.  louie showed me that even though i may be shipwrecked, i need to know, when all else falls beneath me, there is an anchor.  he is convinced that the cross can be that anchor.  the cross.  and the cross alone. 

this hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls.  it leads us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary.  hebrews 6:19

louie persuaded me that the cross is where i need to be at those times because it is at the cross where i know God loves me.   it is at the cross where God is still in control even though everything looks chaotic.  and because of the cross, God can use the worst for eternal good.

i pray i find myself assured by the only Anchor who truly can truly make me secure, regardless of my circumstances or what my future holds.

A Full Life in the Emptiest of Places

The post title comes from a heading in the 58th chapter in Isaiah.  I let the words sit for a while in my head because they sound so. . .nice.  I like the way they make me think of hope and celebration.  maybe even giving me the image of two people, who've been though fire together, probably years before, recalling with emotion-laced words, remember?  That was amazing, wasn't it? That's when God took nothing and made it something.  We were empty and now we're full. 

I read that scripture heading and am moved to want to pray it for our family.  Almost immediately something strikes me like a slap on the hand.  You're too scared to pray that.  

It's not from me because it caught me so off-guard.  It's not Jesus because it sounds nothing like Him.

I am quick to recognize the lie because, while the attack comes in a new disguise, it's the same battle I've been waging for close to two months.  I've been coming to the Lord with a similar (selfish) question:  will all the emptiness actually lead to a fuller life?  For me and husband?  For our daughters?  Soon?  Promise??

I know, its crazy that i still wonder if all of this will end good.  You'd think i have amnesia.  After all the power God has displayed in the past weeks, i should be humiliated to actually write that this is something with which i am still wrestling.

While I have ample reasons to sing praises for God's rescuing hand, careful healing, and redemptive life (and I do, by the way, sing.  and weep tears of gratitude)  I still find myself consumed with fear and doubt about the future.  Psalm 27:13 is still the same, right?

One thing I do know, is the Enemy did not like the victory we had yesterday when ken's trach came out.  Everything went all wrong that day, including having no electricity, and let me tell you the Enemy of my heart pulled out all the stops to try and steal my joy yesterday.  I didn't even realize what was going on until later in the day.  

I was running around the cold, lightless house doing something, or lots of somethings, and stopped long enough to realize that all that went on that day was no accident.  I thought how huge a victory Ken's lungs were and how God displayed His power so beautifully in healing them.  And i thought abut how the Enemy must be so mad.  "oh" I said out loud.  Literally moments later the power turned back on.

Coincidence or not, what the message symbolized to me was enough to remind me that I am not in war against flesh and blood but against mighty powers in this dark world (Ephesians 6:12).   Less than an hour later, i was on the road again, this time, directly in my line of vision for the whole car ride, was the blazing sun that hadnt been out for days and days.  warming my face, pressing in on every corner of the car and my heart.  I so enjoyed the contrast.

Our little family is in the rebuilding phase.  Littlest girl, because of her innocent age, is just full of life and purity, but the other three of us have got some serious baggage we are working - in our own ways - to unload on the Lord.  As we are trying to put the pieces back together.  As we are relearning who each other is post-September 18th.  As we proactively surrender.  As we uphold one another in our most vulnerale conditions.  Each of us have such unique needs right now.  Please pray for us to consistently bring our raw hearts to the Lord.  With open hands.  Full of grace.   So the empty can be made full.  Only in His way.

"I will always show you where to go.

I"ll give you a full life in the emptiest of places

Firm muscles and strong bones

You'll be like a well-watered garden,

A gurgling spring that never runs dry.

You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,

Rebuild the foundations from out of your past." 

{Isaiah 58}

And, also, ken would love prayer for exactly that - "firm muscles and strong bones" - we are hoping for and expecting and waiting for his strength to return, fully and quickly.  

I'm trusting in His goodness.  He "won't walk out and fail to return". 

goodness gracious!!

"this is what the Sovereign Lord says:  'LOOK!  i am going to put breath into you and make you live again! ...i will put breath into you, and you will come to life.   then you will know that i am the Lord.'" 

ezekiel 37

He did it!  He saw it fit to answer all of your and my prayers with a "YES!" and today, it was final.

ken's tracheostomy is OUT.  this morning, his doctor pulled it out with ease, and kenny's lungs are healed.  

our girls and i took his favorite chocolate fudge cupcakes to him to celebrate, and that's just what we did.  God has redeemed my husband and their daddy, and i can't believe the day has come.  highest glory to Him alone, the great Healer!

thank you

today was a great day with our little lady.  we spent the morning at school together, had lunch, and spent the remainder of our day with kenny.  i asked her if all the time we spent with daddy at rehab fulfilled her desire to spend more time with him, and she said that it did, so that's wonderful.  i am thanking God for making this a peaceful day for her.

i give jesus glory for giving her the strength to "do what she needs to do" in the past day or two.  and just continue to ask God to minister to her little heart.  on our way home, we were talking about our visit and i asked her what the best part of her day was.  kissing daddy.  and what the toughest part of her day was.  leaving daddy.  i feel you, sweet daughter.  and then came:  i just have eleven pieces in my heart.  and they're all lost.

a sharp observation from my four-year-old, because i'm feeling a little lost too.

as we thank God for all He has done to bring kenny out from the shadow of death, the prayer needs continue as we wait for God to physically strengthen His son.  he is not used to being weak - far from it - and is being stretched in this area....he is proactively waiting (i'm learning those seemingly contradicting two words go together way more than i ever realized) for God to pour strength back into his body.  in spite of the pain, through the injuries.  please pray for his heart to be encouraged by his progress.  and i do want to thank God for allowing ken's sleep to improve a bit.

and medically, please pray that his blood pressure is able to stay down.  and also pray that the doctors make the best decision for ken as far as timing for the removal of his tracheostomy. 

thank you for continuing to travel this path with us.  all your communication and encouragement means so much to not only me, but now ken as well, as i share with him every bit of encouragement that comes my way.  you're strengthening his soul.

Lately

My goodness, Kenny is working really hard.  He is really motivated, and that is certainly working for him.   But, he is still having a hard time sleeping at night, which affects his "readiness" to plow through his therapy sessions.  Also, his body is still getting used to moving and this causes a loft stiffness and soreness.

I can't believe I am saying this, but they capped his tracheostomy today, which means that if he does well, it could be taken out altogether within a week.  Ahhh! Amazing.  I can't even fathom that the day is nearing when he will not need a single bit of support for his lungs to work.  I can hardly contain my anticipation for that day.

Things have been challenging at home with our oldest.  She is still figuring all this out, and just plain wants things to be back to "normal".  Tomorrow, she and I will spend a good potion of the day together with ken, and I'm looking forward to how God might use our time to settle her heart a bit.  My hearts hurts for our little girl because she's had to deal with some harsh realities I would have loved to shield her from.  But since it's not so, I am praying for God powerfully impact her heart for Him, and somehow make her heart for ready for a life fully devoted to Him.

And related, I am still trying to balance spending my time between the girls and Ken, trying to get all three of them in the same place at once more often...this is just a season.  And after what I've been through I can quickly find joy knowing that all this will not last forever.  What a relief to say that.  All this is temporary.  

Some things I'm praying for....

- for wisdom to know how to spend my days
- for Kenny to get good sleep at night
- for our oldest daughter to make good choices during the times I am not around, and for her heart to settle on Jesus, in her own little four-year-old way
-  for kens blood pressure to stay down
- for kens time at therapy to be fruitful.  That the Enemy would have no place.

Thank you so very much.

today

so thankful for some more great time with ken.   in all the craziness, this week has been full of some pure joy -- amid a really dark season in life.  i've enjoyed seeing the progress that kenny is making in rehab.  our time together is rich in conversation.  our daughters are starting to spend some consistent time with their daddy.

in the midst of a really complicated process for our family, i want to thank God for examples of His faithfulness and healing. 

i am very grateful for your prayers for our family.  we are being sustained because of them.

I remain just completely humbled that God allowed me to live life with my husband again.  Amid the busyness and activity of the past two weeks, I am reminding myself to to not lose perspective on where I was only a few weeks ago, and never stop declaring God's goodness for all He has done.  I can't believe it.  I know it reveals a bit of faithlessness, but I confess, I simply cannot believe how good God has been.  Like Jamie and Lauren said, there's so much more for God to do.  And I am often waiting with an anxious heart for how He'll work it all out.  But it's necessary to draw my eyes upwards, multiple times a day, and choose to look into the rear view mirror, recalling all the work that's been accomplished in six weeks time.

If you prayed for ken, you were part of a miracle.  Truly.  And we are trusting that God isn't finished with the healing.  "God's loyal love couldn't have run out....(His mercies) are new every morning." lam 3.

Please continue to pray, especially for Ken's sleep at night.  I pray that he would be able to get to and stay asleep despite so many discomforting reasons why he can't.  He needs good sleep so he can give 100% during therapy sessions, and maximize his healing. . 

Please pray that the doctors and nurses would know what he needs, and look at his circumstances with fresh eyes for creative solutions.  And mostly, that the Spirit of God would calm and bring peace to Kenny's heart at night, so he can find rest in God - and He would be enough, enough for sound sleep.  Because He certainly is.

life has been so very different lately.  a friend reminded me of my natural resistance towards change, and she was right.  growing up, on birthdays, i would say to my mom, "i don't want to turn ten, i just love being nine."  and i'd say the same thing every year.  i'd love being ten and not want to turn eleven.  yep, i enjoy being in a routine and outside of one, leaves me feeling a bit unsafe.

and the unknown, it doesn't conjure up emotions of adventure and excitement, but creates an immediate pit in my stomach that consumes what feels like all of me.  another part of me that i've known about since i was riding in a booster car seat was always wanting the facts - straight up.  i could deal with whatever, i'd reason with myself, i just want to know what i'm dealing with.  if my parents mentioned that someone wasn't feeling well, i'm embarrassed to admit my first response:  "is she going to die?"  perhaps mixed in that confession reveals i may or may not be a person of extremes.  shocking information to some, i know.

these personality traits aren't working too well for me right now.  even though rehab has been an absolute blessing.  rehab actually was one of those changes i readily embraced, my heart raced with excitement at the thought of it, and it has exceeded all the hops i had in their attention of kenny, how motivated his team is at working him toward his goals.  i am confident this was God's choice for ken's rehabilitation.  

yet, both the girls and kenny are in real need of me.  ken because he's in a new place, and isn't in love with being away from home even to be on vacation....and also still new to being awake post the most difficult life experience he's ever been through.  he needs time to process and have me there to express his heart, and work through the events of the past weeks.  and even though he has therapy around three hours each day, that leaves a lot of time to be alone.

at the same time, the girls are feeling the length of this process.  they rebound well after i leave them, but it's a difficult separation and we just plain miss each other.  i miss spending time with them, miss picking up oldest from school, miss the bedtime routine (crazy, i know).  they already were struggling without their daddy, and now i'm around a lot less.  and we are all feeling the gap.

i keep saying to the Lord, "where do you want me?  how do you want to me to spend my time?"  and it's been tough to know what's best right now.  i'm erring on the Bible's guidance to put kenny first, so please pray for the girls' hearts.  

i was listening to the radio and a woman was talking about putting unnecessary burdens on herself.  she said that she wants to feel more thankful for who she is, not guilty for what she's not.  i could use that prayer lately.  

isaiah 30:19

"oh yes, people of Zion, citizens of Jerusalem, your time of tears is over. cry for help and you’ll find it’s grace and more grace. the moment he hears, he’ll answer. just as the Master kept you alive during the hard times, he’ll keep your teacher alive and present among you. your teacher will be right there, local and on the job, urging you on whenever you wander left or right: “this is the right road. walk down this road.”

James 1:4

In an effort to give Lindsay a little time to rest her heart and mind, we'd like to update all of you on the current situation and prayer needs for Ken and his three girls.

The recent move to rehab gives countless reasons to praise Jesus for the ways He is working in Ken’s life.  We stand amazed at our God.  Lindsay and Ken are so thankful to each and every one of you who have interceded on their behalf, by lifting them up to our Heavenly Father – literally without ceasing.  It’s been an unbelievable blessing.  Yet even now, there is much work to be done.  We continue to pray with faith, asking God to complete the work He has started.

Perhaps the best way to describe the current situation is that it requires God’s very personal and very creative healing hand.  The recovery process for Ken is incredibly intricate and will take time.  His needs are different than they were nearly six weeks ago (praise Jesus), but the need for consistent prayer is no less vital.  The McClure family has a long road ahead of them, yet we believe that God will lead them, giving strength for each step of the way and using it for His glory.  We ask for you to continue to pray for each member of this precious family. Prayer is needed in the following ways…

• for Jesus to calm Ken’s heart and mind and that His presence would be tangibly felt each day (including more restful sleep at night)
• for our Heavenly Father to see each and every need for healing in Ken’s body and begin to work in those places—including full restoration of his pelvis, muscle, lung, and brain functioning
• for energy, strength and a peace that surpasses all understanding for Lindsay as she walks through the challenges that this time brings
• for wisdom for Lindsay about her daily schedule
• for Ken and Lindsay’s daughters -

            that consistent visits can start soon and will be a blessing
            that Jesus will ultimately use this experience to draw the girls’ hearts closer to Him

Thank you for your continued faithfulness,

Jamie & Lauren

 “Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

–James 1:4

Fix My Eyes on Jesus

Yesterday was a day filled to the brim with emotions running all across the spectrum.  It was wonderful because Kenny and I had some good conversations, letting out lots of words and thoughts and experiences that have been hidden in our hearts for a little while.

After the day was nearly complete, and I only had mindlessly straight road ahead of me in a quiet car did was i able to pause long enought to realize one of the reasons why my heart could be so full after such an utterly draining week.  I thanked God for the new experience of walking this road alongside of my husband.

Today was so fulfilling because we were working through the questions.  The fears.  The decisions.  The past.  able to do this together.  It was such a joy because I've so longed for his company because no one can quite get what it actually feels like to be in the circumstance.  When it comes down to it, this is only ken, cayla, savvie, and my life. And it's such a gift from the Lord to have company in a boat that I've been in all by myself for five weeks.  I am praising God for having a huge, beautiful part of my husband and our marriage relationship restored.

We are so grateful for the rehab, it has been a blessing to watch them care for ken so well and be so positive and encouraging.  So, we are forging through a new stage.  One for which I can hardly think about without tears falling down my face.

God has simply been so good to us.  I walked out of cooper hospital, visiting Kenny for the very last time.  I waved goodbye, gave thank you hugs to some angels who literally saved my husband's life - and in doing that - saved mine.  I couldn't contain the tears while I left his room.  Not as I walked down the long hallway back to my car - the same hallway that I cried sorrowful, heartbreaking tears because I was being torn away from my boy for yet another night.  The tears didn't stop in the full elevator. And kept on coming as I found my car in the parking garage.

As I walked, I asked out loud to the Lord:  I can't believe this! What did i do to deserve such grace??  Right away, I heard the Lord say: you did nothing.  and He was right.  God lavishes His goodness, He delights in doing so.  And that is what makes Him God.

And i will gratefully, humbly accept His incredible gift to us of returning me my husband and our girls, their daddy.  Glory and highest praise to the Giver of life.

And, my warrior man.  He still needs our prayers.  His growth has been wonderful and encouraging.  When I asked him what I could be praying for, he said, "that I would keep my eyes fixed on Jesus.".  He said this with a humility that only Ken McClure could.  I am astounded by his determined spirit to look toward the Lord and make the choice not fear about the future.  Questions do pierce his heart, sometimes with fiery darts, but he knows what to do with them.  I am learning an incredible amount from him - and am really enjoying relinquishing the leadership in our family back where it belongs.  He's so desiring to be "back".  He said to me: "I just want to be able to care of you girls." perfect. And you are, my precious man.  Right now, by your sincere heart looking to the Lord amid your most painful, scariest season.  And later - soon - in our home, with crazies begging for his attention and a wife who counts the minutes until he gets home from work so she can spill put the details of the heart throughout the day.

So, please pray that he trusts God with with the details of his day: rigorous therapy sessions.  Quiet moments filled with questions.  Fighting lies from the Enemy.

And please pray he is able to sleep peacefully and restfully at night.

Thank you for being a part of a miracle.  You've upheld us.  Please continue to do so, as this stage of healing is stretching us in new ways requiring even greater focus on the only One who deserves any of our attention.

Hey now, I'm gonna pray for you
Hey now, you're gonna pray for me
Cause what we have been through together is changing us now
Will change us forever
Hey now, I'm gonna pray for you
Hey now, you're gonna pray for me
And it's gonna be different. Yeah.
It's gonna be better. Yeah.
It's gonna be Jesus and all of us in this together.
{Amy Grant}

Had to stop for one minute

Right now, from my view in Kenny's hospital room, even seen through the tears streaming down my face, is a stretcher waiting to take him to rehab.

This glorious day in our life causes me to give great praise and thanksgiving to Jesus.

Thank you for praying.  We are moving forward by the grace of God.

What?  What?? Would have become of me had I not believed I would see the goodness of the Lord while I was here in the land of the living?

Amen.

New mercy

This morning I called to check on Kenny's last several hours and his nurse told me he had been moved to another room - an improvement for sure. This is wonderful. He has a big bright window that shines glistening morning sun. But hopefully we won't be visiting this room for long and he will be heading to rehab.

ken has been able to get words out "over" his trach which has been amazing because it's a million times easier to understand what he's saying, which decreases his frustration.

Looking ahead, physical therapy will try and have him stand early this week. This is at my motivated man's request. It was what he settled for after we said no to him suggesting: "I'm just gonna sprint down the hallway.". You will, my boy, just not right now.

hopefully he will get a swallow test early this week that will result in him being able to have something to drink.

And we are also looking forward to downsizing his trach tube sometime over the next few days.

I am thankful for all the time am able to spend with him - so grateful to be there even, and especially in, the hard moments of his day.

There is so much evidence of God's goodness being  poured out on us and i am beyond thankful for the progress that ken has made.  To cry with, hold, give kisses, and talk with my husband this week has been my greatest joy.

I love how he interacts with each staff member that comes in the room....stretching out his weak arm and extending his hand to initiate a handshake....his intentionality in asking the staff "how are you doing?", working so hard to get it out...i just love seeing their surprised smiles at these actions.....how he shows people his gratitude with visible emotion and thanksgiving....how he responded when he told me he and his dad talked about the accident. I asked him how that conversation made him feel - through tears, and with slow, deliberate words - he managed to place glory squarely where it belongs and say: "it makes me feel like God protected me." 

Wow.  His first response to something so horrifyingly painful and full of loss was thanksgiving.  That's why it was my honor to remind him of the kind of heart he has - full of strength and belief in the Lord.  I told him how, even here, in his hospital bed, he's allowing others to see something different.  I pray they see the only difference is Jesus.  Alive and active, in the heart of a man who has  a perspective from which I want to learn.  This verse reminded me of him:
E
"...I know how it's going to turn out. Through your faithful prayers and the generous response of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, everything he wants to do in and through me will be done.  I can hardly wait to continue on my course....everything happening to me in this jail only serves to make Christ more accurately known, regardless of whether I live or die.  They didn't shut me up; they gave me a pulpit! Alive, I'm Christ's messenger; dead, Im his bounty. Life versus even more life! I can't lose.". (Paul writing in Philippians 1)

Things I'm praying about.....

- for this stage goes fast. He is eager to get to rehab and have some to "work towards".

- that God eases Ken's frustration with his neck brace. He struggles with having to wear it and he has seven more weeks with it on.

- for cayla's heart would be prepared to see ken and that it would be a God infused time.

- for a steady weaning process off kenny's medication.

a refuge

from the beginning, my vulnerability level has been so high.  it began the moment my phone rang while i was blending smoothies for breakfast, reminding myself to go to the craft store for scrapbook paper for savannah's second birthday party that sunday, and continues right through this moment,  thirty-one days later.

a book ken and i were reading in minichurch articulated very clearly that God does not tell us in Scripture that He will give us a refuge.  scriptures say...

He 
is 
the Refuge.

last month, i told kenny how much theological sense that made.  of course, He doesn't give me a cave of protection from the storm.  i completely know why He often chooses not to provide an alternate, safer route than the one lined with thieves and threatening dangers. 

i know why because i'm a worshiper of comfort.  if i was given a cave or a safer route, i'd praise the cave, love that safer route.  i'd worship these things.  i'd love them and seek after them more than God. 

for as much as my head nods in agreement when i read those words in black ink off a white page, my hearts shakes with confusion, thinking, what in the world does that look like - for God to be the refuge?  that's something ken and i were working through in the midst of this life-changing event. 

and as i've had to postpone that conversation with the wiser, see-things-more-clearly, knows-how-to-sort-out-my-messes husband, i'm left to wrestle with this question.  just me and the Lord.   and that places me in a practicum for discovering what it "looks like" for Jesus to be the Refuge. 

Jesus as my Refuge leaves my hands open.  palms up.  willing to walk whatever path the Lord chooses.

Jesus as my Refuge leaves zero room for hindrances that would weigh me down.  there's no time to waste in confessing my sin.  i blow it.  i run to confess.  there's simply no room for it.

Jesus as my Refuge needs the Word of God more than food.  it's hope and assurance and sparkles with God's character.

Jesus as my Refuge trusts in the dark and refuses to accept the world's temptations for peace.

Jesus as my Refuge refutes the Enemy's harsh harsh attacks with God's Truth.

Jesus as my Refuge clings to God's character through worshiping Him.  it never stops singing.  literally.

Jesus as my Refuge chooses to thank God before I ask.

i needed to remind myself of this tonight.  to be vulnerable, i want a cave to run into right now.  i want the easy, or i'd even taker easier path right now.  i feel weak enough.   "my power works best in weakness." (2 cor. 12:9)

nothing traumatic has happened with ken.  still trying to manage his anxiousness.  so, i will graciously and thankfully ask you to keep praying as before.  this road is just getting long.  and i'm simply tired.   and my rebellious heart is longing for this to all be over, and resisting the Arms of her Father. for only right now.

so, it's time for another choice.  i know it's okay to be back here.  and i also know nothing will satisfy my heart like all that is found at the foot of Jesus. 

jenny & tyler {carry me}
broken-hearted i come
my cup empty, my mouth is dry
see how quickly i fall
burdened with darkness
heavy in lies

i want to cry but i can't
i try to stand by i fall down again

i need you to carry me
i need you to carry me
i need you to carry me
when i am weak

o this can't be enough
to just say i'm sorry, to confess my fault
when i've hurt You so much
and now i am asking You to do more

i want to cry, but i can't
i try to stand by i fall down again

i need you to carry me
i need you to carry me
i need you to carry me
when i am weak

i'm always weak...
when i first met you I drew you in close to me
your weaknesses covered with strength and securtity
I've never left you, nor will I ever leave 
child, believe, child, believe

but you are strong...
when i first met you I drew you in close to me
Your weaknesses covered with strength and security
I've never left you, nor will I ever leave
child, believe, child, believe

i need you to carry me
i need you to carry me
i need you to carry me
when i am weak