as life has changed, as God answered my prayers with a "yes!", i am finding i need to be more purposeful about my time with the Lord. i am still very eager to hear from Him. so wanting to know how this all can count for something. something that will cause all the pain our family has gone through to not have happened in vain. something for eternity. i long to be permanently transformed.
and although, i had grown quite fond of my little life, i want to be a part of something bigger.
no, that's not quite right.
i just want to make Christ bigger. and we praying about that. (and it's been amazing to say we. because ken feels it too.)
these thoughts take me back a few years to our minichurch's study with john piper. one of his themes was seeing the purpose of our lives as to be like a telescope. my mission being to make God big, made known. i've been thinking about it more often lately, and had an interesting realization.
since a young age, i've had a genuine interest in wanting to honor God with my life. time and life experiences have ushered me into deeper arenas of trust. requiring more release of my own desires, and i've been challenged to place a stronger grip on the character of God. there have been many seasons of my life where this was on the major backburner, and i've come to regret the ego that initiated those seasons. and so it was - a step forward, two back - a pace with which i've become familiar in my spiritual journey.
in my forward steps on the path, i've seen God as a tool or a resource to accomplish what He and i thought was a good idea. how do i honor you in my career choice? what medical decision should we make for our daughter? what's the best way for us to serve our minichurch? lead me in my anxiousness, please. how should we steward our money? all me using God as a method to try and honor Him. probably because i know that's the quickest way for things to go well for ME!
while God is very much needed for each of those, i've seen some deep selfishness in that mentality.
how might it be if instead of God being the tool, Jesus was my whole life and i'm the tool? what if every day i presented my life before the Lord? blank. assumption-less.
the former has a built-in filter before God where i am the one determining how things go. i've already headed down a path, and will use God as a consultant. i'm assuming a decision needs to be made for our daughter. maybe one doesn't need to be made right now. i think that anxiousness is what i'm dealing with, what if it's not the root at all?
the latter makes no pre-planned agenda for how "it" should go, but rather prepares for an unexpected bend.
the contrast is subtle in my head, but i am willing to bet the results wouldn't be.
i have no plan for how to do this. perhaps that is a good start: no plan at all. just an intentional spirit. moment by moment.
. . .
we still hunger for your prayer:
~ for a heart that kneels before God each day (and in between), cleaning my slate of expectation
~ for the orthopedic appointment on november 28th to give awesome news - that ken would be able to put weight on his left leg
~ that God would heal his left arm, as it has very little strength and pretty significant nerve damage. (probably related to his C7 fracture, the brain injury, or the impact of the hit itself - or all three). that ken would be able to see the progress he's making with his arm, and that we would trust God for 100% recovery in strength and function of his left arm
~ praise God for kenny's PEG tube coming out successfully today
~ praise God for being home again. the joy is incredible, and i can't describe how different it feels from when i left. every inch of my home is bright where darkness lurked. we love spending time here
~ praise for noticeable progress each day in therapy