Thursday, November 1, 2012

I remain just completely humbled that God allowed me to live life with my husband again.  Amid the busyness and activity of the past two weeks, I am reminding myself to to not lose perspective on where I was only a few weeks ago, and never stop declaring God's goodness for all He has done.  I can't believe it.  I know it reveals a bit of faithlessness, but I confess, I simply cannot believe how good God has been.  Like Jamie and Lauren said, there's so much more for God to do.  And I am often waiting with an anxious heart for how He'll work it all out.  But it's necessary to draw my eyes upwards, multiple times a day, and choose to look into the rear view mirror, recalling all the work that's been accomplished in six weeks time.

If you prayed for ken, you were part of a miracle.  Truly.  And we are trusting that God isn't finished with the healing.  "God's loyal love couldn't have run out....(His mercies) are new every morning." lam 3.

Please continue to pray, especially for Ken's sleep at night.  I pray that he would be able to get to and stay asleep despite so many discomforting reasons why he can't.  He needs good sleep so he can give 100% during therapy sessions, and maximize his healing. . 

Please pray that the doctors and nurses would know what he needs, and look at his circumstances with fresh eyes for creative solutions.  And mostly, that the Spirit of God would calm and bring peace to Kenny's heart at night, so he can find rest in God - and He would be enough, enough for sound sleep.  Because He certainly is.

life has been so very different lately.  a friend reminded me of my natural resistance towards change, and she was right.  growing up, on birthdays, i would say to my mom, "i don't want to turn ten, i just love being nine."  and i'd say the same thing every year.  i'd love being ten and not want to turn eleven.  yep, i enjoy being in a routine and outside of one, leaves me feeling a bit unsafe.

and the unknown, it doesn't conjure up emotions of adventure and excitement, but creates an immediate pit in my stomach that consumes what feels like all of me.  another part of me that i've known about since i was riding in a booster car seat was always wanting the facts - straight up.  i could deal with whatever, i'd reason with myself, i just want to know what i'm dealing with.  if my parents mentioned that someone wasn't feeling well, i'm embarrassed to admit my first response:  "is she going to die?"  perhaps mixed in that confession reveals i may or may not be a person of extremesshocking information to some, i know.

these personality traits aren't working too well for me right now.  even though rehab has been an absolute blessing.  rehab actually was one of those changes i readily embraced, my heart raced with excitement at the thought of it, and it has exceeded all the hops i had in their attention of kenny, how motivated his team is at working him toward his goals.  i am confident this was God's choice for ken's rehabilitation.  

yet, both the girls and kenny are in real need of me.  ken because he's in a new place, and isn't in love with being away from home even to be on vacation....and also still new to being awake post the most difficult life experience he's ever been through.  he needs time to process and have me there to express his heart, and work through the events of the past weeks.  and even though he has therapy around three hours each day, that leaves a lot of time to be alone.

at the same time, the girls are feeling the length of this process.  they rebound well after i leave them, but it's a difficult separation and we just plain miss each other.  i miss spending time with them, miss picking up oldest from school, miss the bedtime routine (crazy, i know).  they already were struggling without their daddy, and now i'm around a lot less.  and we are all feeling the gap.

i keep saying to the Lord, "where do you want me?  how do you want to me to spend my time?"  and it's been tough to know what's best right now.  i'm erring on the Bible's guidance to put kenny first, so please pray for the girls' hearts.  

i was listening to the radio and a woman was talking about putting unnecessary burdens on herself.  she said that she wants to feel more thankful for who she is, not guilty for what she's not.  i could use that prayer lately.  

isaiah 30:19

"oh yes, people of Zion, citizens of Jerusalem, your time of tears is over. cry for help and you’ll find it’s grace and more grace. the moment he hears, he’ll answer. just as the Master kept you alive during the hard times, he’ll keep your teacher alive and present among you. your teacher will be right there, local and on the job, urging you on whenever you wander left or right: “this is the right road. walk down this road.”

No comments:

Post a Comment