I read that scripture heading and am moved to want to pray it for our family. Almost immediately something strikes me like a slap on the hand. You're too scared to pray that.
It's not from me because it caught me so off-guard. It's not Jesus because it sounds nothing like Him.
I am quick to recognize the lie because, while the attack comes in a new disguise, it's the same battle I've been waging for close to two months. I've been coming to the Lord with a similar (selfish) question: will all the emptiness actually lead to a fuller life? For me and husband? For our daughters? Soon? Promise??
I know, its crazy that i still wonder if all of this will end good. You'd think i have amnesia. After all the power God has displayed in the past weeks, i should be humiliated to actually write that this is something with which i am still wrestling.
While I have ample reasons to sing praises for God's rescuing hand, careful healing, and redemptive life (and I do, by the way, sing. and weep tears of gratitude) I still find myself consumed with fear and doubt about the future. Psalm 27:13 is still the same, right?
One thing I do know, is the Enemy did not like the victory we had yesterday when ken's trach came out. Everything went all wrong that day, including having no electricity, and let me tell you the Enemy of my heart pulled out all the stops to try and steal my joy yesterday. I didn't even realize what was going on until later in the day.
I was running around the cold, lightless house doing something, or lots of somethings, and stopped long enough to realize that all that went on that day was no accident. I thought how huge a victory Ken's lungs were and how God displayed His power so beautifully in healing them. And i thought abut how the Enemy must be so mad. "oh" I said out loud. Literally moments later the power turned back on.
Coincidence or not, what the message symbolized to me was enough to remind me that I am not in war against flesh and blood but against mighty powers in this dark world (Ephesians 6:12). Less than an hour later, i was on the road again, this time, directly in my line of vision for the whole car ride, was the blazing sun that hadnt been out for days and days. warming my face, pressing in on every corner of the car and my heart. I so enjoyed the contrast.
Our little family is in the rebuilding phase. Littlest girl, because of her innocent age, is just full of life and purity, but the other three of us have got some serious baggage we are working - in our own ways - to unload on the Lord. As we are trying to put the pieces back together. As we are relearning who each other is post-September 18th. As we proactively surrender. As we uphold one another in our most vulnerale conditions. Each of us have such unique needs right now. Please pray for us to consistently bring our raw hearts to the Lord. With open hands. Full of grace. So the empty can be made full. Only in His way.
"I will always show you where to go.
I"ll give you a full life in the emptiest of places
Firm muscles and strong bones
You'll be like a well-watered garden,
A gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
Rebuild the foundations from out of your past."
And, also, ken would love prayer for exactly that - "firm muscles and strong bones" - we are hoping for and expecting and waiting for his strength to return, fully and quickly.
I'm trusting in His goodness. He "won't walk out and fail to return".