for prayer today

hi.  your prayers have been powerful and effective, so i am seeking out some more who will stand in the gap with us.

~ i am praying for our oldest daughter's heart.  she's devastated when i leave for the hospital.  and although a recent conversation she had with my sister went really well, C talked to my sister about how she feels like "God is screaming and laughing" at her.  she's dealing with a huge amount of spiritual questions, and i want to consistently point her to jesus while allowing her heart to express all the emotion she wants to.

~ i'm praying for the right balance of medication to be administered to kenny, wisdom and creativity for the doctors for how this can be accomplished.  and perfect communication between them.

~ as ken is more awake, and dealing with a lot of emotions, i am needed at the hospital more hours during the day.  this affects me and the girls in that we are being stretched a great deal.  i'm praying that this stage in the step-down unit would be short.  that God would be gracious and make this room not be his home for long.

thank you - from the bottom of my heart.

A new place

Thank you, Jesus, ken was moved to the step-down unit last night. This is an amazing sign of progress and I am so grateful for the hope this gives me.

Leaving ken was difficult because I feel like he has really just now understood what happened and to simplify it, my man is sad.

Like I had said yesterday, it was so amazing to talk to him and enjoy his company. Yet with his awareness comes some of the emotions and heart-work that I've been able to work through for a month now.

So please pray for his frustration and anxiousness and sadness.  I am praying for God's spirit to fill his room and his heart with peace. And that as we navigate yet another bend of which we do not know the way, God's light would bring about a smooth transition into this next phase of recovery and our new life.

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do."   Isaiah 42:16

what joy

You made a way when there was no way

You covered heaviness with garments of praise

You wrote a song and You're singing it over me

i feel a dead heart beating now

this revelation makes me wanna shout

that Jesus has been sent

and everything is different

You turn ashes into beauty

You are for me

not against me now

You found me somehow

You turn mourning into dancing

You turn weeping into a joyful noise

oh rejoice!

{everything is different shane & shane}

this day is the most miraculous day i've lived yet.  my friend just said to me,  "you have your best friend back".   and that's exactly what i'm celebrating.  and as with each new step during this process, even the ones that have me soaring, new fears arise in my heart.  but, today, they will have no place.  i will declare right now that as far as my concerns for the future, God will surely be enough.  my heart can rest in that tonight, because i'll allow nothing to steal the joy God's freely poured out on us today.

so, yes, today.  i came in today normal time (which has tended to be his sleepiest/most sedated time of the day lately) and expected to see the same person i saw yesterday.  i didn't see the same person.  

the person i met today smiled when i came in.  

we ended up spending over four hours in "conversation" (meaning me trying to create "yes" or "no" questions that he can answer with a nod or shake).  

when i asked the one i've been longing for if i could give him a kiss, he right away pursed his lips to give me one.  

we had hard conversations about what happened.  

we cried together.  

i held him.  

and when i would quiet, and ask if he wanted to to keep talking, i would see a yes.  

leaping heart. 

highest thanks and glory alone to Jesus.  

yes, the Lord has done amazing things for us!  what joy!  psalm 126:3

i am the Lord, the God of all the peoples of the world.  is anything too hard for me?  jeremiah 32:27

how i've been praying

i've shared how there have been times when i knew just what to ask God.  and my heart definitely has spent good time directly talking to God about what's going through my fuzzy soul and mind.  there have been beautiful times of pure joy and thanksgiving, when i'd declare the way He swept in and heroically saved the day.  all mixed with the thousands of prayers pleading for kenny's life.   all this i had to do. of course i had to dance and tantrum with God these past weeks - for i wouldn't have survived any other way.

yet, there have been long moments when i simply have no words.  sometimes there simply are none.  i'm pretty convinced that words simply do not exist for some of the terrors my heart's experienced, especially on that first day.

when i was standing in front of a door, opening up, leading me (whether i wanted to or not) into a completely new life i had never known before.  while waving good-bye to a life that, up until that morning, i was so very happy with.

self-consciousness and inhibition flew from me that first morning, and i could do nothing more than spend all my time on my knees.  reading a bible i found in hospital chapel.  with each conversation i had with a doctor, my face got closer to the hospital floor.   i don't think i could "pray" much of anything that morning.   i didn't even know where to possibly begin.  i did the only thing i knew to do: cry out, back to God what He wrote me in His Word.  i became addicted, and couldn't get enough Scripture to satisfy the heaviness in my heart. 

i do remember what i definitely did pray to God that morning - hallway.  knees.  loudly.  tears like never before.  it was be enough.  oh, i knew He certainly was enough.  but, i wanted me to make Him be enough.   Jesus, be enough.  be.  enough.  and it's been the cry of my heart ever since.  even when i have to admit through clenched fists that, yes God, you are creator and powerful.  but No, God.  actually, you aren't enough.  i demand my husband whole.

so, pretty prayer words haven't been a part of my vocabulary - yet, i've never once wanted to stop coming to Him in prayer.  as only a good Father could, He knew this about me, and offers me songs - full and strong with Scripture.  and i'm eating it up.   i love praying verses, and i love even more praying lyrics to songs filled with Scripture.

the shane and shane album "everything is different" has sustained my heart for weeks now.  today, with nervous confidence, i confessed to the Lord that i don't even want my "old" life any more.  today i feel ready for everything to change for our family.  i just want to do it with the three i love most and jesus.

it goes without saying, that i'll be recalibrating my heart toward this again and again - tomorrow, next month, years from now even.  but as for today,  the "i'm alive" song lyrics forced a question about 2 millimeters from my eyeballs:  I've spent the last month showing you that I AM enough.  will I be enough for what you yet know nothing about?

YES.  and when your heart is weak?  yes.  and when you'd rather be comfortable than always on the brink of something new from Me?  yes.   and when it seems like darkness will prevail?  yes.

why can i be so certain that my answer will be yes in the future, for circumstances which i know absolutely nothing about?  because i'm finding there's no goodness in resistance.  there's goodness only in what the Giver sends to me.  and that might be what He means by abundant living - flourishing in life in His presence.  and that's all. 

"i'm alive"
you are telling me
who i really am
i've been crucified with Christ
and i no longer live
but He lives in me
and the life i live
in the flesh i live
by faith
in the Son of God 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8dVKEhv5vQ

more than enough for today.

the graciousness and goodness of God today has certainly been more than enough.  i am rejoicing today for some wonderful improvements of my man that have been absolute gifts from Jesus - and because of the prayers of so many.

let me take time to give glory to the One who "holds everything together by the word of [His] immoveable power."

so, "i'll sing a song of praise". . .

~ ~ ~

ken's been on the trach collar now since 8 o'clock this morning.  he's doing well on it, and attending trauma doctor thinks he'll stay on until she sees that he needs to go on the vent for a little bit to rest. horray for ventilator standby mode.  as grateful as i am for its lifesaving purpose these past weeks, i so love seeing this thing collect dust in the corner.

this is what the Sovereign Lord says: look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again!  ezekiel 37:5

~ ~ ~

his vitals are awesome.

"you saw me before I was born.  every day of my life was recorded in your book.  every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."  psalm 139:16

~ ~ ~

he's been sitting totally upright in his bed for hours now.  this is another great excercise because it's helping clear his lungs, and it's just plain better to be sitting than laying when you've been laying for close to a month.

"they will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."  isaiah 61:3

~ ~ ~

according to his nurses, he's improving at communicating to them with nods and shakes of his head.

"for this God is our God for ever and ever; He will be our guide even to the end."  psalm 48:14

~ ~ ~

attending trauma doctor thinks he could maybe move to the trauma step-down unit early next week.  let me tell you - unreal.

"The Lord is a warrior; Yahweh is His name."  exodus 15:3


"But you have raised a banner for those who fear you -- a rallying point in the face of attack.  now rescue your beloved people.  answer and save us by your power." psalm 60:4-5 

i won't shrink back.

**UPDATE** radiology has read ken's neck and head MRI from yesterday, and highest praise to Jesus Christ, there was nothing new shown.  i am so very grateful for these results.   thank you thank you for praying.


was thinking the other day how come (thank you, jesus) i'm sleeping settled at night - apart from little girl voices that pitch in the night for my attention - and wondering how i can feel so completely wiped.  guess it was a silly thought because i never accounted for the emotional and spiritual draining that happens day in and day out.  with each victory and obstacle that flings my heart in one direction then another.  Lord, teach my heart to steady.  

i'm finding myself praying on my way to the hospital, Lord help prepare my heart for whatever it is that i will walk into today.  i'm feeling like i need to suit up.   SUIT. UP.

from ephesians 6. . .

"God is strong, and he wants you strong. so take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. and put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. this is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. this is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.  be prepared. you’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. learn how to apply them. you’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. pray hard and long..."

quite honestly, to "learn how to apply" truth.  righteousness.  peace.  faith.  feels like lugging on armor that i'm certain i couldn't walk an inch in, bearing under its weight.  

i don't want to my faith be strong and mighty when my heart leaps with good news from the doctors.  then to shrink back, overwhelmed and intimidated when reports signal my heart to sink. 

so, that's where i am.

and it's no wonder because i definitely have reason to rejoice -- ken has been off the ventilator for over an hour, which means he's breathing on his own and the trach tube is providing oxygen for him.  respiratory is doing this as a little lung workout for him, and he will be put back on the vent in a little bit to let him rest.  even so, this is good news, very good news.  his lungs are progressing.

and my heart sunk today too.  ken's left arm isn't moving, and his left eye is sluggish.  he will be going for an MRI this afternoon to rule out any complications, like a stroke.  please pray all is perfect with him, and the lack of movement is due to something like a pinched nerve or another simply solved issue.

"but we DO NOT belong to those who SHRINK BACK and are destroyed, but to those who have FAITH and are SAVED."  hebrews 10:39

another step.

today, kenny got a tracheostomy.  thank you so so much for praying.  i don't consider it a small thing that God allowed this procedure to go seamlessly.  it's a huge relief to me (and more importantly, for him) to not have the tubes in his mouth and down his throat anymore.

the doctor team is still working on balancing his medication in order to bring him out of sedation (in the coming weeks) yet not bring him to the point of agitation or anxiousness.  some of this, of course, is unavoidable, but it's a process that needs to be covered in prayer.

his lungs are doing well.  he's initiating many breaths on his own, which is awesome.

i am really praying for God to bring peace to kenny's heart as he goes through this process of being weaned off the medication.  i also am praying for this process to go as quickly as possible.  it's difficult to watch kenny go through this, it also makes it a longer process for the girls.  i am really praying for our daughters' hearts, especially our first-born.  her heart is simply broken over missing her daddy this long.  their days are happy, but the nighttime (and sometimes moments in between) are really rough for them.

i know that in God's sovereignty, He allowed this tragedy to happen not only to me and ken, but also to our daughters.  just like He won't let us go from His grip, He will uphold the girls with the same attention and strength.

all i want to do is protect them from any hurt in all this, but i simply can't.  and i'm not meant to.  i am meant to surrender -- yet something else that my fists clench way too tightly -- into the entrusting hands of Someone who knows what will cause them to grow, no, flourish.

i am having to make a purposeful choice to trust this.

and like our jesus storybook bible says when mary questioned the angel telling her that she'd deliver the Deliverer of All into the world.  "so, mary trusted God more than what her eyes could see.  and she believed." 

so, i'll look beyond the tears i see in their eyes.  look beyond their cries for the man of those little girls' dreams.  and while i hold them and tell them to let all the tears flow, i'll trust that there's Something else at work behind the scenes, making it beautiful in His time.  for the two littlest ones this affects as well. 

i'm so grateful to you.