today.

today has been such a swing of emotions as i process a new (to me) way of healing for ken and also thank God for coming through in such a wonderful way.


you must have been down on your knees all night,  because ken started responding to commands overnight and into today -- so much so that they cancelled the EEG.  i feel confident in this decision, and will take it from a pure gift from Jesus.

ken's breathing has been really great.  still on the ventilator, with talks of doing a tracheostomy possibly tomorrow, he's taking many more breaths on his own now.  i just now talked with respiratory, and she gave me a bit of hope saying, "maybe he won't even need the tracheostomy."  i know she was just saying it in passing, but if there's any chance, i wanna be praying about it for sure.

the primary concern right now is managing kenny's agitation as they wean his sedation.  although he won't remember this, it's a very difficult process for anyone to watch, let alone someone who loves him desperately.  he has been on a great deal of medication in the past weeks, and getting him off is quite a process.   i was warned it would be difficult, yet being forewarned doesn't make actually living it any easier.  i just keep repeating over and over to him, myself, and in the room "peace i leave with you.  my peace i give you.  i do not give to you as the world gives.  do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" (john 14:27)  i am so cognizant that this is a "good problem" and want to praise God that we are even at this stage.  honestly, it feels surreal.  even still.   yet, even his fragile state, just like someone said, "this man still looks like a force to be reckoned with."  love it.

so, please will you pray with me?

~ thanking God that an EEG was not necessary, because He "preemptively" took care of the issue
~ praying for a miracle, that ken could come off the ventilator and not even need the tracheostomy.  if he should require one, they will do that between 11am and 2pm tomorrow.  please pray for this to be a smooth procedure, that will encourage ken's healing.
~ praying for wisdom from nurses and doctors to care beautifully for ken as they try to balance bringing him out of sedation, but not bringing him to the point of agitation (which complicates a bunch of stuff).
~  asking God for the medication weaning process to be smooth and peaceful for him.  

and something else...i could not feel more upheld by everyone's support and pure love for us.  you've given me the absolute greatest gift by your literally ceaseless prayers and practical ways of loving us.  i can't wait for the day when i will share with ken how each of you ministered to me and the girls in ways that caused our hearts to fill with joy in a painful time.  as we are trying to support ken through the sedation weaning process, quite honestly, it's not pretty.  so during this process, i will definitely welcome visitors to the hospital, but i just would ask that i meet you with you in the waiting room/lobby, as opposed to bedside.  thanks so much for understanding this sensitive time of ken's healing. this is a temporary request.

i've been praying this song over us lately. 


A Voice Calling Out

I hear a voice calling out
I hear a voice in this wilderness
 

where darkness has reigned for so long
ground is being taken

the trumpet sounds
and Your glory touches the ground
 

and we all stand in awe
who is this?
 

this glory far beyond us 

 
 i hear a voice
 

i hear a drum beating
heaven's drawing near
 

the sky will open
Your people are being healed
 

i hear a voice
heaven's battle cry
rise
see the sun light what was hidden
heaven's heart beat
see is moving
what was a whisper is now
 a voice calling out
 

i see a generation rising up
no longer accepting lies
running to the battlefield
and losing their lives
 

i see a generation rising up
no longer accepting lies
as a band of worshipers run to the battlefield
they're finding their lives 

i hear a voice 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02GFbsHPbN0

 

next step

**UPDATE FOR ALL YOU CRAZY, FAITHFUL PRAYER WARRIORS**:  got a phone call from sara, kenny's nurse, on my way home from the hospital and he responded to two commands she gave him.  praise you, God, for Your goodness and graciousness.

*UPDATE* i unexpectedly had a few extra minutes, and wanted to give God praise for some amazing things happening.  thinking this would be especially important to do as i wait.  hope for.  and expect Him to do great things for ken's neurological responses. they're below the original post. 

today, i am so thankful that ken's oxygen levels on the ventilator are good.  he's shown a lot of improvement in this area, and this was our number one concern.  he also has both chest tubes taken out.  basically, he is doing more pulmonary work on his own than before.  it's been great to see some forward-motion with his lungs.  i am so so grateful to the Lord for working on this.

another amazing praise in ken's recovery is that he's recovering well from pelvis surgery.

the doctor has lowered kenny's sedation, so he has been quicker to open his eyes when asked.  this is wonderful, and of course, such a gift for me even if it only lasts a couple seconds.

he has been struggling to obey any other neurological commands, which was what prompted the trauma doctor to order a head CT on friday.  since lowering his sedation, not much has changed, and this is surprising to the doctors (the word actually used was "disturbing".)

tomorrow kenny will get an EEG to further rule out any neurological complications.

i am pleading with God for this test to show no problems, and that ken would start responding.  and i am in such need of peace.  to be quite vulnerable, neurological damage has been my primary fear this entire process.  i am certain the Enemy of my heart is at work here, and i'm trying to place my confidence in the Lord alone.  but it's hard.

would you please pray with me over the next couple days, for no issues to be found with ken's head, and that this would all be because of his sedation medication, the anesthesia from surgery, and pain medication?

thank you for standing in the gap with me.

"let thy goodness, like a fetter

bind my wandering heart to thee

prone to wander 

Lord, i feel it

prone to leave the God i love

here's my heart

O take and seal it

seal it for thy courts above"

{come, thou fount of every blessing} 


thank you, jesus....
~ i've been able to enjoy kenny with his eyes open, even if it's just for a moment
~ we ask ken a question, and two different times i saw him nod "yes"
~ his vitals are wonderful
~ (like i said above) his oxygen has been as strong as ever, and his next step is a trecheostomy
~ amazing medical staff, especially sara and how she knew what i needed friday
~ fevers no longer being an issue, so wonderful
~ the pneumonia is improving
~ being able to start weaning him off some of the sedation

and this is just for the past day or so.  we're so blessed.  

CT scan

**UPDATE**  the CT scan showed nothing new in either ken's brain or lungs.  i can express my relief &  thankfulness to God. 

please pray that ken would begin responding neurologically, confirming that his lack of response is due to medication/anesthesia. 

this scare reminded me how very fragile of a state kenny's body is in.  his lungs still need a good deal of strengthening before he can get the tracheostomy.   and each day that goes by without the trech, poses some more risks.   please pray for his lungs to strengthen.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

please pray.  ken is not responding to neurological commands.  it may be because of the anesthesia from surgery or maybe a stroke and brain bleeding.  i just got back from the CT with him. please pray for god's protection from anything worse than it already is.  please pray. 

eight hours

**UPDATE (7:28pm):  surgery was completed in shorter time than expected.  the orthopedic surgeon was very pleased with how ken did.  they had wanted to perform the surgery prone (on his chest) but he was not ventilating well in that position.  they switched him to laying on his back, and other than that detail, the surgeon has "it could not have gone better." highest praise to God and thank you for praying.

"what, WHAT would have become of me had i not believed that i would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living!  WAIT.  and HOPE for.  and EXPECT the Lord." psalm 27

*UPDATE (3:30pm):  we've received one update so far:  "it's going well."  i'll keep you posted.

so, yeah this is kinda a long time.

but in all my sitting here, between sweet words and hugs making their way to be with me on this otherwise random thursday afternoon in october, i've had an opportunity to just dwell.

god's been gracious to this restless daughter of His.  i'm beginning to see the refreshing fruit that comes in the surrender.   all the stopping my head.  halting my fears.  refusing to give the Enemy a single millimeter of my attention.  it's brought some refreshment to my soul.  i'm still scared a lot, but simply dwelling has brought greater hope than searching for answers that i was never intended to have.

and i'm certain i will work through this whole process again.  when something new and daunting alarms my soul and sends me searching for the peace i've had access to the whole time.  but that's why i'm instructed not to worry about tomorrow (mt. 6:34).  today alone is full of reasons to drop to my knees.

so, i say to my heart again and again:  the reason why the only thing left for me to do is to wait.  hope.  expect.  is because it's futile to do anything else.  anything more than simply waiting, any concern that would cancel out hope,  any fear that would steal eager expectation for something good, has no place because those things aren't yet in existence.

every time i place myself in the smack-dad epicenter of my most horrible nightmare, i'm forgetting one fundamental detail.  jesus would be there.  He would have allowed it, and if He allowed it, it would result in good.   somehow.   ("ALL things work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose." romans 8:28)

the truth is - if someone had told me a month ago what would happen in my life within two week's time - i would have certainly collapsed into a dark corner somewhere and wanted to remain there forever.  but now that i'm here - living out what i would have been assured would have been my total demise - i feel i'm being upheld.  this is no small thing given the tragedy i've faced, but it's been God's delight to uphold me during this time.   and if He's offering outstretched arms, i wanna be running into them. 

when i pray, words have been hard to come by.  and as the words for healing and medical wisdom float further from my mind, i've enjoyed how song lyrics can transform into prayers.  today worthy of affection by shane & shane has been on my heart....

"DELIVERER
you brought us out of the miry clay
you

set our feet upon a rock

and made us say
holy is the Lord

we would declare your thoughts about us
it'd be too many to count

so we simply come

and sing of your great love
so we sing
we lift our hands and sing
you are

worthy of affection

you're the radiance of all His glory
let adoration fill this place

you

hold 
everything 
together

by the Word of your immovable power

we sing a song of praise

we are the broken down 
and we are the beaten up

but what can stop us from the song of unending love?

holy is the lord
you are

the treasure 

the hope

the bright morning star

you are the lover of our soul

and you won our hearts

we sing of your great love
 ....
all glory to you, Lord
all glory to you, Lord
all glory to you, Lord

forevermore
forevermore

"worthy of affection" {shane & shane}

jesus, you are the only true deliverer, who can deliver me even from myself when i don't know what to think or where to go.  thank you for setting my emotional and spiritual feet upon a rock.  and for setting kenny upon a rock up to this point.  in all my efforts to pray unceasingly for my husband, i'm forgetting that the thoughts you think about him are too many to even count.  incredible.  he's always on your mind.   teach me how to simply COME to you.  and remember that's where it can end, just in my coming.   quiet my heart and let me just sing of your love, a love that cannot be measured because of its enormity.  thank you that as i wait, hoping the surgeons' hands are precise.  praying for no surprises in the operating room, that you are HOLDING EVERYTHING TOGETHER.  hold ken together, make him whole where he is not.  make me whole where i am not.  thank you that this can be banked on because you power cannot be matched or moved by anything.  in my waiting, teach my heart to sing Your praise.  i feel broken down and beaten up, but help me not stop singing.  you are my treasure.  you are my hope.  only you could win my heart through pain like this.  that's what makes you God.  amen.

right now

ken had a good night last night.  no fevers, blood oxygen good, good oxygen overall.  i am so grateful for forward motion and thankful beyond belief that he seems healthy enough to complete the surgery.  praise god.

the plan was, if he had a good night, to send him into the OR for pelvis surgery later this afternoon.  i just now got a call from his nurse, and he will be headed for surgery within the hour.

please pray with me.  the surgery will take between 5 and 8 hours, so keep them coming until later into the night.

some suggestions for prayer:
1.  the surgery to be 100% effective, with zero complications

2.  for perfect accuracy from the orthopedic surgeons.

3.  for God to be ken's shield of protection (mainly for his lungs, that they'd remain strong throughout the surgery)

4.  for quick healing and that this would be a beautiful physical turning point for his recovery.

5.  for peace as we wait the long hours until it's completed

6.  for our daughters to go to sleep easily tonight, as i won't be able to be home for bedtime.


we can't express our thankfulness to you. (i'll try and update on the blog throughout the surgery as information comes my way)

fevers

"when he came near the place where the road goes down the mount of olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise god in loud voices...."if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out."  (luke 19)

before any stones start giving God glory when i should be, i wanted to jump on here quick and say THANK YOU, GOD for allowing ken to be free of fevers for over 24 hours.   considering ken's two big issues yesterday were his agitation and fevers, and now the fevers have been gone for a while,there's great reason to praise. 

thank you for praying doesn't even begin to express my gratitude.  please pray that they stay away.  his last temperature was 100.1, which is good, but they need to remain down. 

"you have said, 'seek My face [inquire for and require My presence as your vital need].  my heart says to You, Your face [Your presence], Lord, will i seek, inquire for, and require [of necessity and on the authority of Your Word].  [what, what would have become of me] had i not believed that i would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living!  wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring.  yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord."  psalm 27 amp

i thought that one of the biggest spiritual struggles i would have throughout this experience would be the proactive seeking out of the Lord.  that i would spend so much time working to hear from God, trying to determine His specific purpose for me during this time. 

while my days have certainly included proactively bringing my raw, raw heart before the Lord, and clinging to Scripture like it was the air i breathe, i'm finding something different is required.  it's way more difficult that running in a certain direction.  it's more complicated than trying to figure out this utter mess going on in my heart.  it's something more still, and it certainly doesn't work.

i know the Lord wants me to WAIT.  to HOPE.  to EXPECT.   honestly (& embarrassingly), this is painful for me.  so, i want to make that shift.  i want to come to the Lord with my weakness, and trust in His promise that that's where His strength can be magnified.  Oh, Jesus, that my heart would never get in the way of the wonderful display of your strength and power. 

need for prayer & thank you

**SMALL UPDATE TO THIS POST:  after speaking with the trauma doctor this afternoon, he articulated two main issues for ken right now.  (1) his fevers - figuring out the cause and praying that the changes in medication will eliminate them.   (2) his agitation.  ken seems to be very unsettled a lot of the time, which isn't good for the healing process.  i am praying that the holy spirit inside of ken would pour out his peace and rest into him.  i pray God's presence would fill this room and his heart with an assurance that only He can give.  thank you for continuing to pray.  i know you're sharing this burden along with me.**

it seems now more than ever that kenny's fevers need to cease altogether.  the doctors here and at infectious disease still have no clear arrow pointing to their source.  the trauma doctors will be changing all of his medications to see if they are creating a reaction in him.  in a little bit, i will talk to one of the doctors, but after talking to his nurse today, there was no clear plan for what to do if the switching up of medication is ineffective.

i know all of this is happening under the purposeful control and careful love of our Father, but i am struggling right now with what seems like to me a dead end with knowing how to alleviate ken's fevers.  i'm praying for these fevers to completely go away.   i so desire God to come through for us here - so praying He will save the day.  the waiting for it seems unbearable right now.  jesus, help me wait.

"but if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."  romans 8:25

"the Lord, the King of Israel is with you; never again will you fear any harm.  on that day they will say to jerusalem, 'do not fear, do not let you hands hang limp.  the Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save.'"  zeph. 3:15-17

"i was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations.  satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees.  no danger then of walking around high and mighty.  at first i didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it.  three times i did that, and then he told me, 'my grace is enough; it's all you need.  my strength comes into its own in your weakness.'  once i heard that, i was glad to let it happen.  i quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift.  it was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness."  2 corinthians 12

oh, jesus, that i would not let this get me down.  may your grace - just enough for today - push me to my knees, and allow you to do your best work.  amen.

and thanks for God, one of ken's chest tubes was removed - this is good.  praise God.

also, i am beyond thankful for everyone who was able to make it to the little prayer walk he had for kenny.  i felt so loved by your support and notes, and mostly, your prayers.  thank you thank you for standing in the gap for us.