i'm trying to pay attention to what really matters

"dear friend, listen well to my words; tune your ears to my voice.  keep my message in plain view at all times.  concentrate!  learn it by heart!  those who discover these words live, really live; body & soul, they're bursting with health."  proverbs 4:20-22 msg

i was told it would be like this.  i'll never forget what each set of eyes exactly looked like when they carefully & slowly told me how long this process would be.  when they told me how sick ken's lungs are.

somehow, just being forewarned isn't shield enough against the pain that might come my way when given that kind of information.  today i feel spiritually needy, which i know would be a wonderful thing if only my stubborn heart would embrace the neediness.  to be perfectly honest, right this moment, i just long for kenny whole.  and anything short feels like it might actually break my heart.

knowing that jesus knew i'd feel this way long before i sensed it coming on brings the reminder that He would not let me feel this way in vain.  i'm holding fast to His Truth.  i'm trying to keep it in "plain view" and "concentrate" on only that.

some new information from the doctors today gives me some new things to bring before the Lord.

(1)  ken got an ultrasound yesterday that revealed blood clots in his legs.  since he sustained brain injuries, he has not been a candidate for blood thinners.  the neurological team will decide if he can handle them at this point.  (he also had a filter put in to hopefully prevent clots from traveling to places they definitely don't want clots to go).  i'm praying that these clots will totally disappear.  and in the meantime, that the doctors will make a perfect decision for ken for how to handle them.

(2)  the preliminary cultures from the lumbar puncture were negative.  this is wonderful, but disconcerting because the source of ken's fevers is still unknown.  i am praying for the fevers to go away.

(3)  each day the doctors discuss if ken is ready for pelvis surgery.  this is necessary, but the timing is critical as they don't want the bones to heal misaligned but also can't push surgery while the source of his fevers is still unknown (surgery also complicates his blood clot issue a bit).  i am asking for God's decision for His son to be the doctors' decision.  and that God would be a shield around ken, protecting him from "even his foot tripping on a stone" (ps. 91)

thank you so much for joining me in prayer.  we love you.

possible tests today

**UPDATE TO THIS POST**  i am so grateful that God saw it fit to answer my prayer today about these tests.  ken's lung function was well enough to perform a CT scan, and that went well enough that they were able to do the lumbar puncture just a bit ago.  thank you thank you for praying.  i prayed specifically that God would be a shield around kenny, so i want to acknowledge His goodness for experiencing that tonight. 
 
today the doctors have changed the ventilator settings on ken - not necessarily for better or worse, just a different mode - to see if he could tolerate a lumbar puncture (a procedure done to better understand the source of his fevers).

they would also like him to undergo a CT scan for most of his body (also to gain more knowledge about why the fevers may be happening.)

right now, we are waiting for bloodwork to come back to determine how well he's tolerated the new ventilator settings which will help the trauma doctors make their decision about the lumbar puncture procedure.

i am praying for God to speak clearly and powerfully to the doctors who are making this decision for ken.  i look forward to getting some necessary answers from these tests, but of course only if his body (mainly lungs) can tolerate it beautifully.  whatever the doctors choose for ken, i want it to be God's decision for his son - whatever God sees best for him.  i would so appreciate your prayers with this.  thank you
............

from the message, lamentations 3

i'll never forget the taste of trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the utter poison i've swallowed.
i remember it all - oh, how well i remember
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
but there's one thing i remember,
and remembering, i keep a grip on hope:

god's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
they're created new every morning.
how great is your faithfulness!
i'm sticking with god (i say it over and over)
he's all i've got left.

god proves to be good to the man who patiently waits
to the woman who diligently seeks.
it's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from god.
it's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.

when life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself.  enter the silence.
bow in prayer.  don't ask questions:
wait for hope to appear.
don't run from trouble.  take it full-face.
the "worst" in never the worst.

why? because the Master won't ever walk out
and fail to return.
if he works so severely, he also works tenderly.
his stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
he takes no pleasure in making life hard,
in throwing roadblocks in the way.

prayer walk

hi.  one of my aunts was asked if i would ever consider doing a prayer walk for ken.  meaning, anyone who wanted to pray for ken could just meet at the hospital, walk around for a little, and pray for his recovery.  so, for those interested:

cooper hospital main lobby
sunday, september 30th
2:00pm

"ventilation weaning"

this evening, ken's nurse wrote this on the little info white board in his room, and this is certainly our prayer.  thank you for praying about both ken's fevers and lung performance.  he still struggles with high fevers off an on, and the source is still unknown, and his lungs are not healthy enough to do any procedures to better detect from where it's coming.  i am praying that the antibiotics he's on will effectively take care of whatever is going on.

so much is still depending on the strength of his lungs, and the good news is that in the past almost 48 hours, he did not backslide with any of his progress. this is wonderful and i'm thanking god for this encouragement.

there are important procedures/surgery that need to happen, but are being put on hold because his lungs simply aren't strong enough.

i am still praying as i mentioned previously.  mainly for his lungs to grow stronger and for his fevers to permanently break.

god is working, and i so sense his presence, even in my darkest moments.  those moments do come, yet when i call on His name & dwell on His truth, the Light returns.  another beautiful blessing. 

"This is what the sovereign Lord says: Look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again!"  Ezekiel 37:5

please pray tonight.

i know my previous post was similar to this information, but since then i had an enlightening conversation with a trauma doctor i first met tonight. two things.

the source of kenny's infection is still unknown and finding out its exact location comes with risks. 

ken is getting to the end of the optimal window to have a ventilator through his mouth.  and as each day passes beyond the window, risks run higher. 

these two things are preventing him from having a necessary surgery.

my heart is really hurting tonight.  i don't want to run with feelings, yet i am feeling beyond discouraged.  while so thankful for how several significant things have improved since the accident, ken's made little progress in the past four days. 

i am begging God to have his lungs take a positive turn.  please pray with me.

(1) for God to miraculously breath life into kenny's lungs and they'd begin working on their own, and a  tracheostomy would not even be needed. 

(2) the doctor told me that they expect ken to run a high fever again tonight because that's been his pattern.  i am pleading with God for this not to happen, and for there to be no more signs of any infection at all.

everything is different

ken ended up not having the surgery today.  i see this as god's protection because his lungs simply aren't healthy enough yet.  everything else pretty much remains the same. 

loved how this song spoke to my heart on my way to the hospital today...

{shane & shane everything is different}
...you made a way when there was no way
you covered heaviness with a garment of praise
you wrote a song and you're singing it over me
...you turn ashes into beauty
you are for me, not against me now
you found me somehow
you turn mourning into dancing
you turn weeping into joyful noise
oh rejoice....
 
tonight, i'm praying that the doctors have perfect wisdom from the Lord to know if ken is strong and healthy enough to withstand the lengthy surgery.  and i am also praying that his infection would go away.

all my gratitude.

our story

thank you so much for praying for our strong man.  he's my hero. 

i continue to try and look to jesus in all the pain.  it's excruciating, honestly.  scripture has been my absolute lifeline and i so enjoy reading it to kenny when we're together.  sometimes it's just about the only words i can get out.

there are many moments of breakdowns while tears flow, yet jesus is present - He is very here.  one line to a song i thought of right after his accident, was "this is my story, this is my song" from blessed assurance.  this tragedy is now a part of ken and my story, and i don't want to do a single thing to take away from jesus what He wants to accomplish - because our story, the one God is writing for us, we don't author because we simply don't know what's best.  

since my update on the 20th things have pretty much remained the same as far as ken's physical condition.   some great praises:  ken's feeding tube went in well, my heart has been better able to rest in order to sleep for some hours at night & i've been able to eat a little.  also, god's allowed my mom to experience good grace physically.  the girls are hurting without kenny.  i can't describe in words how they adore him.  they are happy, but communicate how the miss him.   and my sisters being angels - can't believe they are giving me the gift of precious time with my husband.

the primary focus right now is his lungs.  they are very sick and we are praying for his oxygen requirement (from the ventilator) to lower.  this is necessary before other important things can happen (like a surgery and a necessary change in his ventilator).  the trauma doctors would like to operate tomorrow, but only if his lungs are strengthening as they hope.  (it also seems an infection has set in, so please pray for the antibiotics to be effective, and that they would permanently take care of it.)

please pray for this, especially over the next 15 hours.

we are in desperate need of your prayers. 

update from september 20

hi friends.  my heart is full with thanksgiving as i think of how many people are praying for ken.  i am confident that jesus is using each one of your prayers to accomplish something amazing in kenny's heart and body.  (and our hearts, too.)  we beg you to continue. 

this is an unbelievably devastating time for us, but God has been more than gracious to us.  it's still too difficult to pour out all that my heart has felt during the past 48 hours, but i'll look forward to sharing it all with you in bits and pieces in the coming days, weeks, and months.  one thing is for certain, regardless of the outcome of this:  i am not without hope.  far from it.  and it's only because of jesus. 

for now i'll let pastor james macdonald articulate for me where my heart is....

"Hear, O my people, and I will speak; O Israel, I will testify against you. I am God, your God . . . Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving, and perform your vows to the Most High, and call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me."   -Psalm 50:7, 14-15

Something wonderful happens in the heart of God when His children get themselves out on a limb and gather up their hearts and say, "God, if it's not You, it's nothing now. We don't have another plan. We don't have another hope. All our eggs are in Your basket. Let's do this, God, in Your time, in Your way."
When you lay that down before the Lord it becomes an awesome moment of trust...Crying to God is the kind of asking He listens for. There is a fervency that builds faith in your hearts. What an invitation! It echoes through Scripture:
Isaiah 40:9 says, “Lift up your voice with strength . . . lift it up, fear not.”
Psalm 116:1 reports, “I love the LORD because He has heard my voice and pleas for mercy.” 
Romans 8:15 teaches, “ . . . you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, ‘Abba, Father’" 
Psalm 50:15 renews the invitation, “Call upon me in the day of trouble, and I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.” "

there are so many prayers to pray, so i tried to prioritize them for you.  please keep praying. 

love
lindsay (and kenny, cayla, & savvie)


to be praying: medically....

1.  we are asking for God to make ken's lungs strong enough so he can breathe on his own as quickly as possible.  ken will have a tracheostomy within the next day or two, we are asking God for a miracle that a trech would not even be required and ken could start to breathe on his own.  this would be miraculous.

2.  that no secondary infection would compromise his health.

3.  the doctor's wisdom for timing of surgery to repair his broken pelvis and the surgery to repair his broken ribs.  and that it would go perfectly.

4.  they are planning on introducing a feeding tube for him to receive necessary nutrients.  we are asking god for that process to proceed without any complications.


to be praying: heart & family....

1.  cayla asks many questions, as a huge void is left in our home without kenny.  we are asking god to protect her heart and she'd grow in her trust in jesus, as her ultimate father, through this.   and that savvie would settle well at night as kenny put her to bed most nights, and they had a routine that i know little about.

2.  that my heart would rest in peace at night, and the questions and worries would be given over to the Lord.

3.  that God would sustain my mom physically and protect her health as she is the necessary person to be with the girls most of the time. 

4.  that i would be able to start eating again.


some incredible praises...

1.  that god saw it fit to spare kenny's life up until this point.

2.  ken's been able to respond to some simple commands

3.  god answered our prayer, incredibly within 48 hours, that his blood pressure is stable, and his heart is functioning on its own without medication.

3.  i was concerned about his long term memory and recall, and i want to give God praise for the doctor's words that i am "in his hard drive."  begging God that the neurosurgeon is right.

4.  the staff are actual angels and the care he's received has been incredible.

5.  the opportunity to pray with and read scripture with others while we are here.

thank you thank you.