worship

had a moment to listen to music while i cleaned up from dinner.  this new chris tomlin album, burning lights, wow, let me tell you.  the verb of listening doesn't do it justice.  feeling the music on this album is an experience.  i was finding such refreshment in one song after the other, realizing that the maximum volume on the laptop wasn't cutting it, but the loudest setting on the ipod would work perfectly.  know that feeling?  the worship on this album is just outrageously amazing, yet i found myself drawn again to awake my soul.   the lyrics quote verses in ezekiel 37 - so much of what i prayed for ken - when his body could very literally could not breathe.  for what felt like so long.   "thus says the Lord God to these bones:  behold, i will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live [!]" ez. 37:5

one of the most precious moments i'll remember with ken when i read to him the blog and my journal was his observation of how the medical and physical shift in him happened.  stepping back from the day-to-day, looking with a wider lens, it does seem like one day my heart was still broken over whether i'd ever be able to talk to or hold my husband again, and then, some day in october, like only a Hero can sweep in and do, according to ken, "it was like God said, 'it's done now.'"  and then hope for his spared life scattered itself over everything that once felt heavy and dark. 

all glory to Him. 

in my moment of thanking God for His completely beautiful, unmerited gift of my husband here with me. bathing his daughters.   listening to the nonsense of my heart last night.  growing in his love for us.   this song became a flashlight, stretching its beam of light, making clear some truths i might not have seen otherwise.

i'm learning the difference between going to the Lord when i'm feeling weak and choosing to see pretty much every part of my day as a "weak" part of my day.  pretty much having a zero tolerance policy in my heart for the prideful assumption that i got this.  i got the morning routine with the girls.  i got it - what i choose to pray about in the morning.  i got this - how this phone call is supposed to go.  really?  do i want to have it?  or do i want to surrender it to the One who can orchestrate those moments into something more beautiful than i imagined? 

i want it to be true of me that the testimony of giving life to dry bones isn't something i talk about having happened to my husband in the fall of 2012, but the cry of my heart every day.  jesus, help me see my bones as dry and needing your refreshment always.  all ways, every moment. 

"i realize
i breathe out, i come alive
Your word gives life to my dry bones
Your breath tells death it can ride on
awake me
make me a living stone
a testament to your throne
i, i'm nothing without you, i’m on my own
the only one who satisfies my soul"


you have to hear this song.  

(and lay me down.  and god's great dance floor.)

piggy-backs

this summer, ken was taking our oldest up the stairs on his back and little girl was following close behind.  out of no where, little girl tumbles down a few steps (not the first time or the last, sad to say.)  ken was caught in a tough spot because he was responsible for the oldest going piggy-back, yet wanting to run to try and soften the landing of the littlest.  in the two seconds that all of this happened, ken ended up abruptly letting go the one on his back and sprinting down the steps toward the littlest.  although the bigger one had never been in a position for getting hurt in the least, she was shocked at her daddy's seeming roughness and abandonment.  tears flowed from her way more wild than from the one who had actually taken a fall.   she didn't understand in the moment the bigger picture of what was going on - of what needed to be done.

yesterday, ken asked our oldest if she wanted to ride upstairs piggy-back.  with her head tilted to the side, eyebrows in question and eyes that told him i remember.   he said,  "i know what you're thinking.  last time we did this your sister fell down the steps and i needed to help her.  you were never in any danger when that happened.  come on, get on."

and up she went, assured by his words.  or maybe it wasn't his words at all.

i guess she was more assured by who her daddy is.  she has a long track record with this man, and time and again he's proven himself a man of his word and having her best interest in his heart.  she's seen him act out of selflessness to read just one more story. . . she's laughed with him playing in the backyard more times than she could count . . . and she's felt the deep kind of love that she probably couldn't even explain yet when he's had to discipline her - temporary displeasure in exchange for a lifetime of security.

i watched this interaction between ken and his daughter.  my eyes stared with some anticipation, wondering how she would respond.  no one - me included - would call her crazy for saying "nahh" to him.  yet, even in her trepidation, she was able to overcome the memory of the past - look into her daddy's gaze - and remember that if it comes from him, no matter how uncertain it appeared, it would be good.

and her daddy, her i-can-see-and-touch-him daddy is imperfect.  there are flaws in him that will let her down.  how much more should my heart trust the perfect Daddy, the only One who will never disappoint, and because He's so very not human - nothing He does ever gets in the way of my absolute best. 

God's character will never disappoint when i can look away from my own perspective for a while and soften my heart toward simply letting Him who is enough for me in anything.  thank you, Jesus, for being Constant and Love and Good.  all the time.

some ways to pray

there's nothing sweeter to hear than we're still praying for you.   thank you for that, and thank you for trusting our lives to Jesus with us...we feel your prayers.  it's been a while since a prayer update, so i wanted to keep you updated.  these are just some suggestions for where we are right now...

: :  huge praise that ken has finished his day hospital portion of therapy!  God has given him an incredible ability to work really hard (not surprised there), and as a result, it's been a fruitful time.

: :  in a week or so he'll transition into outpatient therapy.  this means some changes that will happen in our routine, so we're praying we'll both do this gracefully and that ken's time during the week would be spent fruitfully.  "seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you..." (matthew 6:33) has come up a bunch in our conversations with one another.  

: :  our oldest is really enjoying the familiarity of daddy again, and it's wonderful to see school become effortless again.  yet she is struggling with some fears that especially wake her up in the middle of the night.  i am praying that God's perfect love would cast out any fear that she would have....that her little heart would be able to grab onto that love in a tangible way.

: :  so many things to thank God for!  praise for ken and the date he had with a four-year-old yesterday ... praise for music that continues to flood our hearts with gratitude and leaves us astounded at the God we get to serve. . .i'm losing our arm-wrestling matches very quickly lately . . . God's provided an amazing person to meet with us and help us work through this journey of ours . . .the joy of remembering all God has done. . .the girls' patience with all our doctors' appointments (and even the fun family time they've somehow become) . . . moments we have with the girls before bed

: :  we are so thankful to God at how kenny's strength and physical abilities are returning.  yet, the numbness in his fingers remains unchanged and a source of discouragement.  i am praying for God to be complete in His healing of ken and for us to sense His leading through the doctors as he'll get another test to determine a more accurate location of the nerve damage (which will happen on february 4th)

: :  and somewhat related, as ken's been home for a little over a month now, reality is sinking in with the gap between what he wants to do/used to be able to do and what he is able to do now.  i know he wants God to use this time to shape him and declare His power through ken's very tangible weaknesses...please pray that would happen in ken's heart.

thank you for your consistent love for us, we feel it and love you.

 

a different thirst

the goodness of speaking with a friend who both knows you well and cares for your heart is such a treasure.  stumbling over words that really have just remained in my heart and have rarely been formed into an actual voice, i was trying to explain to her how i've been.   i am always trying to neatly bundle up a few succinct sentences to describe my heart.  the more i attempt to package it into something its not, i can almost feel my soul rebel, uncomfortable with being put into such limited constraints.  while God is changing so much in me and in my outlook on many different things, i still desire to be "simple-hearted" in the midst of a multifaceted circumstance.  then i find myself trying to sort it all out only to make it sound better, and of course, that gets me no where. 

so, when i get exasperated with myself that i don't have a tidier outlook on things, i go back to keeping my mouth shut and only listening to His voice . . .and then again when i feel like i don't have a revolutionized plan for how now i will live my life.  or a clearly defined way to see God shifting my heart from here to there.   and because He's so very complete and not only the Author, but the Finisher of my faith (heb 12:2) i am reminded not to worry about my lack of tidiness-of-the-heart.  as the Finisher, He has me working on the same thing i started working on this past september 18th:  learning that He simply cannot be contained.  His truths continue to speak such richness to my heart (when i'm willing to listen) and as surprised as i was at how He stole my heart this fall, i've been even more amazed at how He continues to do so even still.  day in and day out.  again, when my heart is yielding and soft.  humble and contrite. 

so ready for a word, like a word word from the Lord, it was awesome timing that when sharing my heart with my friend, she would hear what I was saying and respond something like, "it's kinda like how the woman at the well felt.  she experienced Jesus and walked away simply amazed and in love."

eager to reread that passage -- with fresh perspective and my news eyes that see what used to be simple as more detailed and what used to be complicated, now made simple -- i jumped to john chapter four.  i've looked at it again several times since and turns out God did have something for me there.  what got me was the beautiful way Jesus shoots straight to the heart of this Samaritan woman.  and she knows she's encountered something like she's never known before.

there's Jesus.  He's sitting beside a well waiting for His friends to bring back some lunch.  He then asks this woman, to whom no one would be caught dead brushing shoulders with, for some water while He's taking a break. (vv. 6-8).  the Hero of this story has a reputation for unconventionality and for keeping His eyes fixed less on His circumstances and more on the eternal.  she is caught off guard by His pursuit of her.  He's crossing over the dangerous line of social mores to reach her heart.

and when she asks Jesus why on earth He would be even be speaking to a woman like her, Jesus tells her that God has a gift for her and if she saw Jesus for who He really is, that all this well business would pale in comparison to the living water He could offer her (v. 10)  i think about this living water that He is offering her, and know He's offered the same refreshment to me.  it's the same offer of life abundant (john 10:10). 

it strikes me that any situation can result in my thirst being quenched by living water.  and living water is found when my spirit is tapped into the Source.    Jesus is always there to offer the best in any given circumstance if i can grab a hold of Him.  not only grab a hold of Him, because that is often the easy part.  but how about keeping that hold?  remaining steadfast in tapping into the only Source of real life, thirst truly being quenched?

and her heart's not very different than my own.  she trudges to and from the well, working hard to get that water, sweat and fleshly effort both strong and serious.  but it's not lasting water.  she thinks it is, but it's not. it's the fruitless pursuits that satisfy me for only a little while.  and the vain attempts at filling a void that only Something supernatural can satiate.  and to Jesus' offer of living water, she retreats to what she's known all her life, "do you think you're greater than our ancestor jacob, who gave us this well?  how can you offer better water than he and his sons and his animals enjoyed?"  her mom probably gathered water from that same well.  she'd probably gone there since before she could even peer her eyes over the ledge.  she confused familiarity with fulfillment.  her heart is loyal to what she's known all her life and she simply can't imagine a better source of water. 

the best part in all this is that she stays in the story.  she doesn't chalk Jesus up to some crazy, shaking her head as she walks away.  she stays in the story. 

oh, no, Jesus tells her.  not that kind of water.  what i want to offer you is

fresh.

it's a bubbling spring within you.

it gives you eternal life.

you will never be thirsty again (v. 14).

almost like He could be saying....you see, with this water, something will happen in your heart, something that can't be found anywhere.  or happen by any other way.  it's Me from where your satisfaction will come. 

He's got her now, and then pursues her the same way He's pursued me.  by knowing the details of my heart and life.  meeting me smack-dab right where i am.  and proving His love, yet again, even though He doesn't have to.  He reveals that He knows that she doesn't have a husband, has had five in the past, and isn't married to the man she's living with now (v. 18).   Jesus catches her by surprise with His knowledge.  He spoke specifically to her, who she was in all her faults and weaknesses.  and how i've enjoyed the heart of Him who singles me out, making His love personal and real.  He calls me to Himself not just to stand beside me, but to meet me where i am in order to take me out of that place.  a place that will offer more than a mouthful of something cool and refreshing for the moment. 

the woman continues the conversation by asking a question that has very little to do with the bigger picture Jesus is accomplishing in the moment.  oh how familiar . . .  "the time is coming"  He says, "indeed it's here now -- when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth.  the Father is looking for those who will worship him in that way" (v. 23).

and there it is.  the challenge:  to live as a true worshiper.

which will mean letting go of every other idol, so i am an ardent follower of One.  

the Samaritan woman ran off to tell everyone she knew that she had just met the Messiah.  that He had told her all about her past.  and her present.  and her new future found in Him. 

and from the Scriptures, that seems like pretty much all she shares.  she was having a regular day, carrying a heavy bucket to the well, along with the heavy heart she acquired from living a life in this world.  running from man to man, assured that the greener grass would finally land her peace.  only to find that there was an offering much more sweet.  she left Jesus that day with no lesson learned other than she knew she loved Him way more than the life she was living, and that she'd never again be the same. and that is certainly tidy enough. 

now to Him

who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine....ephesians 3

a freer heart

i am thankful for the gracious way God has been working on me.  oh, how well He knows His children.  and i am delighting in the truth that there's no one whose comforting settles like Him.  when nothing can calm the wild in my heart, His Word can.  and when no one quite understands what it's like to be me, He's created the very content of that me.

God has been asking a rather simple thing of me:  run straight to Him as each fear or frustration take the throne in my heart.  and as i am trying to obey what i know is for my best, i see two things happening...

the first is that trials and difficulties are normalizing.   in the little moments of my days when the frustration and fears can arise, i am practicing what it means for me to bring it straight to the Lord, and not flee as far as i can from the challenge.  i am better embracing a life that will contain trials and learning how to prepare for them as opposed to run from them. 

i think in an effort to try and keep a life with minimal conflicts for myself, when those difficulties arose -- the kind that didn't have a simple and fast solution -- i would allow it to put a damper on my otherwise going-perfectly-well life.  this would quickly turn into consumption.  from the outside in, i would often allow a challenging roadblock in life to color everything.

lately, i've been placed in the posture of surrender where i have very little control over anything in my life anymore.  i saw struggle as an interruption that needed to be squashed in order to tend to the real business of life.  but this is the real business of life.  the real business for a follower of Jesus Christ embraces the very thing that her fleshly little heart wants to stiff-arm.

this goes against all intuition and my knee-jerk responses because God delights in the process, not in a providing a great solution.  and the process makes me wait.  waiting gives God time to work on my heart and is the very thing i was attempting to avoid, but this is where i've found freedom.  it is in this waiting period, that God quiets my heart.

as i let go of the wild thoughts woven throughout my week, i have more time to grab onto what i know about God's character.  greater space in my heart to dwell on the Truth, the only Truths in this life.  and the focus slowly grows off whatever it was that had me so consumed, and turns to where i have been.

and where i have been has endless reason to praise God.  and dwelling on those blessings causes thankfulness to overflow in my soul.  so that's the second thing.  praise and gratitude replace the fears and frustrations in my life.

and then, such an example to follow from second chronicles 20...king Jehoshaphat, in circumstances where he was "terrified" and "begged the Lord for guidance", places the singers on the front lines in battle, leading the way with praise.  "This is what they sang: 'give thanks to the Lord, his faithful love endures forever!'"  after he declared victory, "God gave him rest on every side." (v 30). And it all began with singing praise.

this all needs to be a very intentional process.  i might get weary at even the very thought of that word:  intentional, but then doesn't anything that's worthwhile and of value require intention?  isn't intentionality the richness in relationship?  i've gotten a taste of both the intentionality and blessing of a thankful heart, and i'm simply loving it.

so really it's been about remembering who God is...His desire for my best and His faithfulness to the bitter end.  and gratitude then consumes my heart where concerns had taken up residence.  and even if i have to work at this several times a day, it's been worth the joy that follows.

glimpses of our days lately....

--we arm wrestle every four or five days.  ken uses this as one of his tools to determine how his strength is increasing.

--we're realizing we are so not ready for the general public.  we cry over dinner at the pizza restaurant.  trying to get the moment over as quickly as possible before oldest sees us.

--our girls squeal and scream with delight when ken breaks out in a jog chasing them in the backyard.  "oh, mommy...he is just SO strong, that man!"   more than you'll ever know, sweet girl. 

--inside our walls feels so safe...there's lots of tears.   many rich conversations.  good closeness.   and laughter is in abundance.

craving more

the reality is, i am just now starting to uncover what God has been working on in my heart over the past months.  this is really the first time since september 18th that i am able to step back from simply surviving the day and settle in on some things that God might be revealing to me.  i guess that process could have began to unfold a couple weeks ago, but man, oh, man, christmas -- right there.  after ken got home, it felt way closer than just around the corner.

and even in the ways my heart focused on why i actually celebrate the holiday, let's face it.  like beth is saying, things needed to get done. 

yet in those moments i have had . . . a couple dark mornings before the house awakens. . .an open mind to think while mindlessly wrapping presents. . .driving in the car, when "mommmeeeee....you're not answering me!"  breaks the speeding train of my thoughts. . .shining a mirror in front of me, reflecting back my heart after a revealing conversation with a friend.  all those moments, God's using.

i kept assuming that when i would reflect on all i've been through this fall, that i would be bringing up what's happened in the past.  in september of 2012.  october.  november.  all that went on that day the doctors thought perhaps ken had a stroke.  that night the oppression felt no more real than hell itself.  those heartbreaking conversations i would have with our oldest.  having nothing to offer her than my empathetic tears.   interestingly, that's not what my heart's work has been about.

it's been about today.

actually, all of the todays that have happened since ken got home.

not unlike every other human being, the past few months for me have had moments of delight and moments of difficulty.  the kind that make my heart soar and those that break the same heart that was high upon the heights sometimes only hours before.

those darkest of days were bad, unbelievably hard.  and now that ken has made such incredible progress, and is home, life is absolutely filled to the brim with joy.   yet, this rare combination of pure joy wrapped up in the packaging of tragedy, has left me feeling a little lost.

the truth is, life is very new and not normal for us.  ken coming home, does not mean that who we all were before septmeber 18th are returning.  there are new people coming together as a family.  and while i'm finding there's abundant joy in the reuniting of the four of us.  i am also finding it's messy to put four people back together who've been totally changed by the events of the previous three months.  ken's physically different.  the girls' interaction with their daddy is different.  discipline is different.  what the man of his house is physically able to do is different.  our mornings are different. so are our evenings.  the mama's heart is different.  so is ken's.  so is our first-born's.

sending our daughter to preschool last year for two mornings a week was a major, heart-stopping transition for me, so now this.  change, transition.  knowing my make-up, i am recognizing this as opportunity to be needy.  weak.  moldable.  on my knees.  with the hope that it's the way to my feet again.

"get serious, really serious.  get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet."  james 4 the message

so my mind's been abundant in questions and hard-to-come-by with answers.  should the miracle of ken's life wash away the difficulty of today?   chide myself for being discouraged by the weak spots in our new life?

the challenges of this new life of ours are indeed shaded by the incredible, supernatural works of God i witnessed in a very physical world.  not a single time that i glance over at the strong, brown-eyed man before me do i forget to marvel at his very presence in that moment.  and then that's all i need to get my mind started on a run backward, recalling how we got to this place....and in doing so, see the glory of God in it all.

so as life is very not normal for our family right now, the goodness of God does not negate the challenges of today.  the goodness can make me overcome our challenges.  God's goodness in our past is a part of our story because we still have access to same goodness for our struggles today.  the goodness is found in a Person.

 God wants to draw me into Him, but now, to a greater degree than what He did a couple months back.  more is now required.  not only trusting Him when the foundation of my life is rocked, but also my every day.  to a greater degree.  with more spiritual tenacity.  more intentionality.

tonight at after dinner we tried to gather up some meaning into what would have otherwise been an insane last few minutes of dinner with our littles.   knowing ken was beat-up from the day, finding myself with my own chin slumped in my hands, ken reached from a children's jesus calling.

he found the page marked december 27th.  two days, mere hours after celebrating the birth of Jesus.  and read the title of the devotional.

While You Wait.

"WHAT?!"  exclaimed our oldest.  four adults eyes dart at her's for an explanation.   

"again??  we have to wait for Jesus?!"

we had just finished about a month of concentrated waiting with our advent.   eagerly anticipating Jesus' birthday  (and presents, of course).  and our little one's response felt like it could have been my own.  she had just endured what felt like an eternity of waiting.  she made it and great was her reward.  now, two days after it all, she was shocked to hear that there might be more waiting when it has to do with Jesus.

the waiting was made the celebration so joyful though.  my waiting - in the both The big way and in all the little ways - has resulted in a purely amazing gift from the Lord -- my husband.  yet it was the actual waiting where i found my treasure.  the transformation in my heart.  the deeper trust.  the letting go.  and now, just when i don't want to wait for anymore, God is asking me to wait for Him to show up still. in the moments of my days.   to show up when i feel completely lacking.  the waiting certainly has purpose.

"there's more to come:  we continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next.  in alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged.  quite the contrary -- we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!"  romans 5:3-5 the message

what a promise!  the moments become significant under that gleaming light of Truth.  and i'm prayerfully wanting to live it out.