worship

had a moment to listen to music while i cleaned up from dinner.  this new chris tomlin album, burning lights, wow, let me tell you.  the verb of listening doesn't do it justice.  feeling the music on this album is an experience.  i was finding such refreshment in one song after the other, realizing that the maximum volume on the laptop wasn't cutting it, but the loudest setting on the ipod would work perfectly.  know that feeling?  the worship on this album is just outrageously amazing, yet i found myself drawn again to awake my soul.   the lyrics quote verses in ezekiel 37 - so much of what i prayed for ken - when his body could very literally could not breathe.  for what felt like so long.   "thus says the Lord God to these bones:  behold, i will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live [!]" ez. 37:5

one of the most precious moments i'll remember with ken when i read to him the blog and my journal was his observation of how the medical and physical shift in him happened.  stepping back from the day-to-day, looking with a wider lens, it does seem like one day my heart was still broken over whether i'd ever be able to talk to or hold my husband again, and then, some day in october, like only a Hero can sweep in and do, according to ken, "it was like God said, 'it's done now.'"  and then hope for his spared life scattered itself over everything that once felt heavy and dark. 

all glory to Him. 

in my moment of thanking God for His completely beautiful, unmerited gift of my husband here with me. bathing his daughters.   listening to the nonsense of my heart last night.  growing in his love for us.   this song became a flashlight, stretching its beam of light, making clear some truths i might not have seen otherwise.

i'm learning the difference between going to the Lord when i'm feeling weak and choosing to see pretty much every part of my day as a "weak" part of my day.  pretty much having a zero tolerance policy in my heart for the prideful assumption that i got this.  i got the morning routine with the girls.  i got it - what i choose to pray about in the morning.  i got this - how this phone call is supposed to go.  really?  do i want to have it?  or do i want to surrender it to the One who can orchestrate those moments into something more beautiful than i imagined? 

i want it to be true of me that the testimony of giving life to dry bones isn't something i talk about having happened to my husband in the fall of 2012, but the cry of my heart every day.  jesus, help me see my bones as dry and needing your refreshment always.  all ways, every moment. 

"i realize
i breathe out, i come alive
Your word gives life to my dry bones
Your breath tells death it can ride on
awake me
make me a living stone
a testament to your throne
i, i'm nothing without you, i’m on my own
the only one who satisfies my soul"


you have to hear this song.  

(and lay me down.  and god's great dance floor.)