a refuge

from the beginning, my vulnerability level has been so high.  it began the moment my phone rang while i was blending smoothies for breakfast, reminding myself to go to the craft store for scrapbook paper for savannah's second birthday party that sunday, and continues right through this moment,  thirty-one days later.

a book ken and i were reading in minichurch articulated very clearly that God does not tell us in Scripture that He will give us a refuge.  scriptures say...

He 
is 
the Refuge.

last month, i told kenny how much theological sense that made.  of course, He doesn't give me a cave of protection from the storm.  i completely know why He often chooses not to provide an alternate, safer route than the one lined with thieves and threatening dangers. 

i know why because i'm a worshiper of comfort.  if i was given a cave or a safer route, i'd praise the cave, love that safer route.  i'd worship these things.  i'd love them and seek after them more than God. 

for as much as my head nods in agreement when i read those words in black ink off a white page, my hearts shakes with confusion, thinking, what in the world does that look like - for God to be the refuge?  that's something ken and i were working through in the midst of this life-changing event. 

and as i've had to postpone that conversation with the wiser, see-things-more-clearly, knows-how-to-sort-out-my-messes husband, i'm left to wrestle with this question.  just me and the Lord.   and that places me in a practicum for discovering what it "looks like" for Jesus to be the Refuge. 

Jesus as my Refuge leaves my hands open.  palms up.  willing to walk whatever path the Lord chooses.

Jesus as my Refuge leaves zero room for hindrances that would weigh me down.  there's no time to waste in confessing my sin.  i blow it.  i run to confess.  there's simply no room for it.

Jesus as my Refuge needs the Word of God more than food.  it's hope and assurance and sparkles with God's character.

Jesus as my Refuge trusts in the dark and refuses to accept the world's temptations for peace.

Jesus as my Refuge refutes the Enemy's harsh harsh attacks with God's Truth.

Jesus as my Refuge clings to God's character through worshiping Him.  it never stops singing.  literally.

Jesus as my Refuge chooses to thank God before I ask.

i needed to remind myself of this tonight.  to be vulnerable, i want a cave to run into right now.  i want the easy, or i'd even taker easier path right now.  i feel weak enough.   "my power works best in weakness." (2 cor. 12:9)

nothing traumatic has happened with ken.  still trying to manage his anxiousness.  so, i will graciously and thankfully ask you to keep praying as before.  this road is just getting long.  and i'm simply tired.   and my rebellious heart is longing for this to all be over, and resisting the Arms of her Father. for only right now.

so, it's time for another choice.  i know it's okay to be back here.  and i also know nothing will satisfy my heart like all that is found at the foot of Jesus. 

jenny & tyler {carry me}
broken-hearted i come
my cup empty, my mouth is dry
see how quickly i fall
burdened with darkness
heavy in lies

i want to cry but i can't
i try to stand by i fall down again

i need you to carry me
i need you to carry me
i need you to carry me
when i am weak

o this can't be enough
to just say i'm sorry, to confess my fault
when i've hurt You so much
and now i am asking You to do more

i want to cry, but i can't
i try to stand by i fall down again

i need you to carry me
i need you to carry me
i need you to carry me
when i am weak

i'm always weak...
when i first met you I drew you in close to me
your weaknesses covered with strength and securtity
I've never left you, nor will I ever leave 
child, believe, child, believe

but you are strong...
when i first met you I drew you in close to me
Your weaknesses covered with strength and security
I've never left you, nor will I ever leave
child, believe, child, believe

i need you to carry me
i need you to carry me
i need you to carry me
when i am weak