tomorrow

**UPDATE 10am, 4/5:  thanks for praying.  ken is finished and the surgeon said everything went as planned.  It will take several weeks to several months to know of the procedure's effectiveness.  he is doing great, including making me giggle with some lines that may or may not be the anesthesia talking...."lin, you're like Gillette - the best a man can get."  and when we got in the car he requested "inspirational music"**

tomorrow we will go in for ken's procedure at 6am.  please pray for our hearts to know God more through the results of this.  we're also asking God for everything to go exactly the way it's supposed to.  and that God's plan would include complete healing of his hand!

thank you for still being a part of this journey.

"but there's one other thing i remember, and remembering, i keep a grip on hope:  God's loyal love couldn't have run out, His merciful love couldn't have dried up.  they're created new every morning.  how great is Your faithfulness!"  {lam. 3}

kenny & our sweet girl

happy spring.  goodness, even through the flurries falling in front of my eyes & the bitter chill that begs to differ, spring indeed is here, and i am overflowing with hope for a new season.  and it's with great joy that i am focusing on the redeemed quality of easter this year.  from ashes to beauty.  from a veil guarding intimate connection with the Father to it being torn in two, Jesus is a Savior who redeems.  oh, praise Him.

. . .

ken will be needing hand surgery.  the numbness, sensitivity, & tingling in his left hand has not changed.  we feel confident in a great hand surgeon and his care for us in describing why this is really ken's only option for possible healing in his hand.  god allowing, it will be a simple surgery (thankfully, outpatient - for our girls) to give relief to the carpal tunnel nerve.  unlike most who would get the same surgery, he probably won't know of its effectiveness for a while following surgery.

god has a specific plan in this weakness for ken.  i am certain that He has something for ken in this source of pain and frustration.  my heart longs for ken to be free of these "burdens", yet as we remain open to what God would have for us in our future, i want to be careful to assume that what i want is what's best for him.

i would love your prayers for this, yet really don't even know what to ask you to pray. . . for hearts of gratitude regardless. . .for ken to experience some kind of relief . . . for us to be on our knees, hands open . . . really, just for us to be transformed.  that's all i long for lately.  maybe in evidence seen today or barely made out, hazy hope for what's to come.  i find the weight of a tragedy and the ramifications that linger on as the sun rises and sets, and does it all again - i find the weight of it all lightens when i see God's hand moving in our hearts.   the joy is that He won't leave me unfinished.  and that "greater things are still to be done"  -- all the while, rejoicing in our past!

and maybe to add a little something for prayer?   our sweet oldest.  she's still struggling with sleep that doesn't get interrupted by some bad dreams.  it's really the first time as a mom i've had to be lighter on the practical, on the doing and fixing and solving end, and had to step back, trust the choice she made close to two years ago to invite the living God in her heart, and surrender her to Him.  fill her heart with Truth - for sure.  teach that precious mind of hers memorize the promises that are hers to claim - yes.   but at the end of the day, i just pray.  and then pray again.  and just wait & watch Him grow His daughter.  it's another kind of surrendering, for sure.  entrusting her to the only One who can make this trial for her count for something.  again, it's the hope i am coming to treasure so dearly - the hope of heart that's  transformed.  even in my not-yet-five-year-old. 

~ please pray for kenny's hand surgery on friday, april 5th.
~ please pray that God would be more real to our first-born than these dreams

storytelling.

one of our girls' favorite things is stories.  they love to "read".  the joy is only magnified when we read with them.  and then our oldest, she gets so lost in the story itself.  she can't just stop short of the satisfaction that comes after finishing the last line of a new story.  the girl needs to be the story.  i become mama berenstain bear or doctor dan or the man with the yellow hat.  she's obviously the character upon which the entire story rests...hero, princess, beauty.

and our youngest may have learned from the joy of our first.  often she's disappeared...where has she been?  wandered upstairs bookshelf calling her, she's plopped herself directly under it, chubby little legs straight out in front of her, book on lap, head down.

and after a day that's been full and hearts that are spent, moments away from the exhale of babies' doors closing behind us, comes pleeease tell me a Little Linny story?  i wanna hear a Little Kenny story.  and we go on for the giggly joy that appears across her face from hearing the "adventures" of seven-year-olds who operated backhoes in their backyard and transformed their huffys into galloping stallions.   it's worth it every time.

and then lately, when my littlest lady and i are snuggly and reading before bed, she's been looking more at me telling the story than at the story itself.  huh.  adorable, but strange.  it's strange until i remember how my life.  her life, too.  yours as well.  it's a story.

and paul miller's words in a praying life return to me as i feel her blue eyes staring at me while i read.  miller has been challenging me to see God as Storyteller.  and to pray for a heart that willingly - joyfully - revels in the unfolding of it all.  miller talks of the relationship that comes from a heart of endurance, one that remains under its circumstances.  creating perseverance.  

i know my little girl is looking more at me because sometimes it's less about the story and more about who's telling it.  when she is looking at me reading to her, she's telling me that these moments we're spending together aren't so much about the book in my hands, but what i'm sowing while i'm reading.  and my hope is to reap a relationship with her.  true and honest.  deep and unconditional.  what i might be seeing is my little girl making the connection between telling her a story and loving her.  she's warm and safe at that moment.  she likes what she feels and what it does for her heart, and the pages bound into a book in front of her is just the way to get there.  in fact, with her eyes fixed on my face and my arms around her, the story ends up not even mattering to her. 

how my relationship with my girls would differ if every time they wanted  a story, i sat them on the couch, all cozy with a blanket and pillows, opened before them the pages of a fabulous story right before their eyes. then turned on an audio book.  our relationship might lack something precious and sweet.  there would be less moments of bonding between us for sure. 

just like little one does, keeping my eyes on the Storyteller settles me when i'm not really happy about what's found on the next page of the book.  the comfort i find in a closeness to the Father quiets the concerns of what's happening around me. 

miller teaches (unbelievably well, by the way) what it means to live in our Father's story.  to surrender completely, not demanding the story goes my way.  to look for the Storyteller - developing an eye for God's hand at work.  and he calls out to the reader: STAY in the story.  refuse to shut down when it goes the "wrong" way.  it changes a lot, when a heart remains focused on the One telling my story.

yet i know eyes fixed on the Storyteller can only mean something if i choose to trust the One delivering me my story.  reading to my little one these past weeks has revealed to my heart that i cannot simply will myself to stay committed to a story whose lines read fear and struggle woven throughout its pages.  the story will only fade into its rightful position when my main priority for today is to build connection with the only One who is writing my story.

like my littlest, i am most enjoying my story, experiencing life full of joy, with peace abounding when my heart's connected to a Storyteller i know will never write a bad ending.  for He knows no such finish for His children.

thanks & prayer

wanted to take some time to share what God's been up to with us.  thank you for continuing to come alongside of us, pray for and minster to our hearts.  i'm so grateful to you.

: :  i had asked for prayer for the EMG that ken would get regarding the numbness and tingling in his left hand.  i don't have a lot of details, but it seems like he has a separate wrist(ish) injury that happened during the accident.  we will get more details wednesday when we meet with the doctor to discuss the results of the test.  it was a pretty painful test, and i'm grateful that it's over for him, so big relief

: :  thanks to Jesus - and lots of knee time outside her bedroom door - our oldest's nightmares have not been happening since we asked for prayer...thank you

: :  God is teaching us some Truths and very practical how-tos for staying in God's story that He has for us, and we are so grateful to learn from Him - and while the challenge of it stretches us, it's changing our perspective

: :  a praise for our oldest, who was filling out a little prayer calendar that she brought home a while ago from sunday school.  she decided some of the things we would be praying for as a family at dinner time.  her choice for what to pray for on mondays made my  heart overflow with hope that God is accomplishing in her heart something for eternity, and He gave me a glimpse of an answer to my prayer that her pain and fear from this tragedy would not have happened in vain.  may it be so.  and i'm praying her heart would continue to be soft and yielding toward jesus and His people. 

 

: :  ken just now began his outpatient therapy that decreased to twice a week.  please pray for us to prioritize the details of our day.  to choose Jesus, to choose love. 

: :  and probably a forever prayer would be that we'd choose to be connected to God so we might understand how we can remain in His story for us and live out His plan for our lives.  all the while magnifying His name.

my gratitude & love,

lindsay

His love

a friend who really is more like a brother to me challenged me from psalm 116 in the deepest darkest valley moment of this whole experience.

the Lord protects the simplehearted; when i was in great need, He saved me.  (psalm 116:6 niv)

it wasn't even a week since news of the accident - i had a heart that had been racing with the events of the night and tears running freely, i was desperate for something secure.  i so wanted to embrace the challenge, yet honestly did not have the strength or mental power at that point to think into it, "so what does that mean for me?  what do i do with that?" i asked him for more.

"well, what's the opposite of simple?  complicated.  complex, right?"

in that moment, the new world that i was thrown into felt like being in the center of a tornado - fast, furious, and wanting to squeeze my eyes shut until it was all over.  there was just so much unknown, the pain in my heart so very intense.  attack almost unbearable. 

i loved the sound of making this day-to-day of mine simpler.  not just simple for running away from the difficulty simple, but having Something true that in looking to, everything else could fade in the background.

since that day we spoke, i have been wrestling with the Lord for how i could connect the dots in that challenge.  i went before the Lord again and again.  begging Him to show me what it would look like to keep a simplehearted focus in a very un-simple circumstance.

it's manifested itself in different ways over the past months, but this past week i've felt God being really direct to me about having a heart of simplicity.   and it's been found in no crisper a picture than the life of Jesus:  His very purpose for coming to this wreck of a world.  the way He responded to every person He encountered in His 33 years of life here.  why He died.   the way He died.  why He didn't stay dead.    and still, over two thousand years later - the picture no less clear than when he actually walked on this earth --  the way He ministered to my broken heart.   and upheld me when i thought i'd crumble.

this fall - that is when He started in me this idea of being simplehearted.  the weeks went on.  listened to some sermons.  days pass.   read a new friend's blog.  pick up a book i started with our minichurch close to a year ago.  i listen.  i wrestle.  and i'm hearing the very same message.  they all declare what's almost deceivingly simple:  love.   you have something for me, i know.  open my eyes.

i think of the Scripture i know.  if i had to boil it - simplify - how He feels about me:  lovingly.  and if i needed a sole mission for how to spend the rest of my days:  love God.  love others.

it makes my head spin with thoughts yet clears away the clutter all at the same time. 

i breathe in what it feels like to let go of a life that tries to figure and learn and suppose all that God might be changing in my heart through my circumstances.  exactly how He might be making everything work for good.   what to do with the challenges our new life here at home.  how to love a heart-still-healing daughter and a physically-still-healing-husband with a what-on-earth-just-happened-to-us marriage and still do "real life" in the midst of it all.

too exhausting.

i see now that each of those circumstances do not require different methods of approach.  yes, good and right to pray for wisdom and direction in certain areas of decision-making.  yet, in light of this simple heart i believe the Lord's asking me to embrace, it becomes fruitless to run in various directions.

"but the Lord answered her, 'martha, martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things but one thing is necessary.  mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.'"  (luke 10)

while the approach is simple, it - for sure by design - requires such connection with the Father.  if i have eyes of love in each of my day's circumstances, it eliminates the what?  yet creates a deep need for the Spirit for the How?  if i am now clear on mission, that leaves the work of the holy spirit inside of me to handle how that will be accomplished.

"I am the vine; you are the branches.  those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit.  for apart from me you can do nothing."  (john 15:5) 

and there it is.  the Gospel in its simplest form:  God longs for a relationship with me.  so simple, but it took me time to get there.  i think back to the words i've seen all over the pages of my life lately.  things like

I've never left you, nor will I ever leave.  

if the miracle comes too quickly, there is no room for discovery, for relationship.

with...us, Jesus is engaged in a divine romance, wooing us to Himself.

when i first met you i drew you in close to Me.  *


so that makes my time with Him in the morning instrumental.  and trains the thoughts that run throughout the day to be teachable.   if there's one thing i know about love.  the rich, satisfying kind of love, is that it takes time.  time to learn and know and understand.  uncovering layer after layer until you realize you'll never actually be finished learning and understanding - and that's where the richness is found. 

so i will ask God for the power to love.  and then i'll wake up tomorrow and ask again.  i'll regret what i just said, and ask again.  and i'll remind myself that every moment is a "weak moment" because  a heart that wants to be like Jesus needs some serious tapping into the Source.  for i know so very well that without the connection to the Father, my efforts fail.  been there often. . .as i lay my head on the pillow, sky dark with finality of the day. . .the events replay.  conversations, choices, tone, messes tended to that could have been left undone, opportunities left void that held potential.  but instead of seeing it all as failure, i remember my simplehearted focus. . .love.  and know it's that very quality of Jesus that covers it all.  He is just so complete. 



*quoted above:  the praying life by paul miller.  carry me by jenny & tyler.

worship

had a moment to listen to music while i cleaned up from dinner.  this new chris tomlin album, burning lights, wow, let me tell you.  the verb of listening doesn't do it justice.  feeling the music on this album is an experience.  i was finding such refreshment in one song after the other, realizing that the maximum volume on the laptop wasn't cutting it, but the loudest setting on the ipod would work perfectly.  know that feeling?  the worship on this album is just outrageously amazing, yet i found myself drawn again to awake my soul.   the lyrics quote verses in ezekiel 37 - so much of what i prayed for ken - when his body could very literally could not breathe.  for what felt like so long.   "thus says the Lord God to these bones:  behold, i will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live [!]" ez. 37:5

one of the most precious moments i'll remember with ken when i read to him the blog and my journal was his observation of how the medical and physical shift in him happened.  stepping back from the day-to-day, looking with a wider lens, it does seem like one day my heart was still broken over whether i'd ever be able to talk to or hold my husband again, and then, some day in october, like only a Hero can sweep in and do, according to ken, "it was like God said, 'it's done now.'"  and then hope for his spared life scattered itself over everything that once felt heavy and dark. 

all glory to Him. 

in my moment of thanking God for His completely beautiful, unmerited gift of my husband here with me. bathing his daughters.   listening to the nonsense of my heart last night.  growing in his love for us.   this song became a flashlight, stretching its beam of light, making clear some truths i might not have seen otherwise.

i'm learning the difference between going to the Lord when i'm feeling weak and choosing to see pretty much every part of my day as a "weak" part of my day.  pretty much having a zero tolerance policy in my heart for the prideful assumption that i got this.  i got the morning routine with the girls.  i got it - what i choose to pray about in the morning.  i got this - how this phone call is supposed to go.  really?  do i want to have it?  or do i want to surrender it to the One who can orchestrate those moments into something more beautiful than i imagined? 

i want it to be true of me that the testimony of giving life to dry bones isn't something i talk about having happened to my husband in the fall of 2012, but the cry of my heart every day.  jesus, help me see my bones as dry and needing your refreshment always.  all ways, every moment. 

"i realize
i breathe out, i come alive
Your word gives life to my dry bones
Your breath tells death it can ride on
awake me
make me a living stone
a testament to your throne
i, i'm nothing without you, i’m on my own
the only one who satisfies my soul"


you have to hear this song.  

(and lay me down.  and god's great dance floor.)

piggy-backs

this summer, ken was taking our oldest up the stairs on his back and little girl was following close behind.  out of no where, little girl tumbles down a few steps (not the first time or the last, sad to say.)  ken was caught in a tough spot because he was responsible for the oldest going piggy-back, yet wanting to run to try and soften the landing of the littlest.  in the two seconds that all of this happened, ken ended up abruptly letting go the one on his back and sprinting down the steps toward the littlest.  although the bigger one had never been in a position for getting hurt in the least, she was shocked at her daddy's seeming roughness and abandonment.  tears flowed from her way more wild than from the one who had actually taken a fall.   she didn't understand in the moment the bigger picture of what was going on - of what needed to be done.

yesterday, ken asked our oldest if she wanted to ride upstairs piggy-back.  with her head tilted to the side, eyebrows in question and eyes that told him i remember.   he said,  "i know what you're thinking.  last time we did this your sister fell down the steps and i needed to help her.  you were never in any danger when that happened.  come on, get on."

and up she went, assured by his words.  or maybe it wasn't his words at all.

i guess she was more assured by who her daddy is.  she has a long track record with this man, and time and again he's proven himself a man of his word and having her best interest in his heart.  she's seen him act out of selflessness to read just one more story. . . she's laughed with him playing in the backyard more times than she could count . . . and she's felt the deep kind of love that she probably couldn't even explain yet when he's had to discipline her - temporary displeasure in exchange for a lifetime of security.

i watched this interaction between ken and his daughter.  my eyes stared with some anticipation, wondering how she would respond.  no one - me included - would call her crazy for saying "nahh" to him.  yet, even in her trepidation, she was able to overcome the memory of the past - look into her daddy's gaze - and remember that if it comes from him, no matter how uncertain it appeared, it would be good.

and her daddy, her i-can-see-and-touch-him daddy is imperfect.  there are flaws in him that will let her down.  how much more should my heart trust the perfect Daddy, the only One who will never disappoint, and because He's so very not human - nothing He does ever gets in the way of my absolute best. 

God's character will never disappoint when i can look away from my own perspective for a while and soften my heart toward simply letting Him who is enough for me in anything.  thank you, Jesus, for being Constant and Love and Good.  all the time.

some ways to pray

there's nothing sweeter to hear than we're still praying for you.   thank you for that, and thank you for trusting our lives to Jesus with us...we feel your prayers.  it's been a while since a prayer update, so i wanted to keep you updated.  these are just some suggestions for where we are right now...

: :  huge praise that ken has finished his day hospital portion of therapy!  God has given him an incredible ability to work really hard (not surprised there), and as a result, it's been a fruitful time.

: :  in a week or so he'll transition into outpatient therapy.  this means some changes that will happen in our routine, so we're praying we'll both do this gracefully and that ken's time during the week would be spent fruitfully.  "seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you..." (matthew 6:33) has come up a bunch in our conversations with one another.  

: :  our oldest is really enjoying the familiarity of daddy again, and it's wonderful to see school become effortless again.  yet she is struggling with some fears that especially wake her up in the middle of the night.  i am praying that God's perfect love would cast out any fear that she would have....that her little heart would be able to grab onto that love in a tangible way.

: :  so many things to thank God for!  praise for ken and the date he had with a four-year-old yesterday ... praise for music that continues to flood our hearts with gratitude and leaves us astounded at the God we get to serve. . .i'm losing our arm-wrestling matches very quickly lately . . . God's provided an amazing person to meet with us and help us work through this journey of ours . . .the joy of remembering all God has done. . .the girls' patience with all our doctors' appointments (and even the fun family time they've somehow become) . . . moments we have with the girls before bed

: :  we are so thankful to God at how kenny's strength and physical abilities are returning.  yet, the numbness in his fingers remains unchanged and a source of discouragement.  i am praying for God to be complete in His healing of ken and for us to sense His leading through the doctors as he'll get another test to determine a more accurate location of the nerve damage (which will happen on february 4th)

: :  and somewhat related, as ken's been home for a little over a month now, reality is sinking in with the gap between what he wants to do/used to be able to do and what he is able to do now.  i know he wants God to use this time to shape him and declare His power through ken's very tangible weaknesses...please pray that would happen in ken's heart.

thank you for your consistent love for us, we feel it and love you.

 

a different thirst

the goodness of speaking with a friend who both knows you well and cares for your heart is such a treasure.  stumbling over words that really have just remained in my heart and have rarely been formed into an actual voice, i was trying to explain to her how i've been.   i am always trying to neatly bundle up a few succinct sentences to describe my heart.  the more i attempt to package it into something its not, i can almost feel my soul rebel, uncomfortable with being put into such limited constraints.  while God is changing so much in me and in my outlook on many different things, i still desire to be "simple-hearted" in the midst of a multifaceted circumstance.  then i find myself trying to sort it all out only to make it sound better, and of course, that gets me no where. 

so, when i get exasperated with myself that i don't have a tidier outlook on things, i go back to keeping my mouth shut and only listening to His voice . . .and then again when i feel like i don't have a revolutionized plan for how now i will live my life.  or a clearly defined way to see God shifting my heart from here to there.   and because He's so very complete and not only the Author, but the Finisher of my faith (heb 12:2) i am reminded not to worry about my lack of tidiness-of-the-heart.  as the Finisher, He has me working on the same thing i started working on this past september 18th:  learning that He simply cannot be contained.  His truths continue to speak such richness to my heart (when i'm willing to listen) and as surprised as i was at how He stole my heart this fall, i've been even more amazed at how He continues to do so even still.  day in and day out.  again, when my heart is yielding and soft.  humble and contrite. 

so ready for a word, like a word word from the Lord, it was awesome timing that when sharing my heart with my friend, she would hear what I was saying and respond something like, "it's kinda like how the woman at the well felt.  she experienced Jesus and walked away simply amazed and in love."

eager to reread that passage -- with fresh perspective and my news eyes that see what used to be simple as more detailed and what used to be complicated, now made simple -- i jumped to john chapter four.  i've looked at it again several times since and turns out God did have something for me there.  what got me was the beautiful way Jesus shoots straight to the heart of this Samaritan woman.  and she knows she's encountered something like she's never known before.

there's Jesus.  He's sitting beside a well waiting for His friends to bring back some lunch.  He then asks this woman, to whom no one would be caught dead brushing shoulders with, for some water while He's taking a break. (vv. 6-8).  the Hero of this story has a reputation for unconventionality and for keeping His eyes fixed less on His circumstances and more on the eternal.  she is caught off guard by His pursuit of her.  He's crossing over the dangerous line of social mores to reach her heart.

and when she asks Jesus why on earth He would be even be speaking to a woman like her, Jesus tells her that God has a gift for her and if she saw Jesus for who He really is, that all this well business would pale in comparison to the living water He could offer her (v. 10)  i think about this living water that He is offering her, and know He's offered the same refreshment to me.  it's the same offer of life abundant (john 10:10). 

it strikes me that any situation can result in my thirst being quenched by living water.  and living water is found when my spirit is tapped into the Source.    Jesus is always there to offer the best in any given circumstance if i can grab a hold of Him.  not only grab a hold of Him, because that is often the easy part.  but how about keeping that hold?  remaining steadfast in tapping into the only Source of real life, thirst truly being quenched?

and her heart's not very different than my own.  she trudges to and from the well, working hard to get that water, sweat and fleshly effort both strong and serious.  but it's not lasting water.  she thinks it is, but it's not. it's the fruitless pursuits that satisfy me for only a little while.  and the vain attempts at filling a void that only Something supernatural can satiate.  and to Jesus' offer of living water, she retreats to what she's known all her life, "do you think you're greater than our ancestor jacob, who gave us this well?  how can you offer better water than he and his sons and his animals enjoyed?"  her mom probably gathered water from that same well.  she'd probably gone there since before she could even peer her eyes over the ledge.  she confused familiarity with fulfillment.  her heart is loyal to what she's known all her life and she simply can't imagine a better source of water. 

the best part in all this is that she stays in the story.  she doesn't chalk Jesus up to some crazy, shaking her head as she walks away.  she stays in the story. 

oh, no, Jesus tells her.  not that kind of water.  what i want to offer you is

fresh.

it's a bubbling spring within you.

it gives you eternal life.

you will never be thirsty again (v. 14).

almost like He could be saying....you see, with this water, something will happen in your heart, something that can't be found anywhere.  or happen by any other way.  it's Me from where your satisfaction will come. 

He's got her now, and then pursues her the same way He's pursued me.  by knowing the details of my heart and life.  meeting me smack-dab right where i am.  and proving His love, yet again, even though He doesn't have to.  He reveals that He knows that she doesn't have a husband, has had five in the past, and isn't married to the man she's living with now (v. 18).   Jesus catches her by surprise with His knowledge.  He spoke specifically to her, who she was in all her faults and weaknesses.  and how i've enjoyed the heart of Him who singles me out, making His love personal and real.  He calls me to Himself not just to stand beside me, but to meet me where i am in order to take me out of that place.  a place that will offer more than a mouthful of something cool and refreshing for the moment. 

the woman continues the conversation by asking a question that has very little to do with the bigger picture Jesus is accomplishing in the moment.  oh how familiar . . .  "the time is coming"  He says, "indeed it's here now -- when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth.  the Father is looking for those who will worship him in that way" (v. 23).

and there it is.  the challenge:  to live as a true worshiper.

which will mean letting go of every other idol, so i am an ardent follower of One.  

the Samaritan woman ran off to tell everyone she knew that she had just met the Messiah.  that He had told her all about her past.  and her present.  and her new future found in Him. 

and from the Scriptures, that seems like pretty much all she shares.  she was having a regular day, carrying a heavy bucket to the well, along with the heavy heart she acquired from living a life in this world.  running from man to man, assured that the greener grass would finally land her peace.  only to find that there was an offering much more sweet.  she left Jesus that day with no lesson learned other than she knew she loved Him way more than the life she was living, and that she'd never again be the same. and that is certainly tidy enough. 

now to Him

who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine....ephesians 3

a freer heart

i am thankful for the gracious way God has been working on me.  oh, how well He knows His children.  and i am delighting in the truth that there's no one whose comforting settles like Him.  when nothing can calm the wild in my heart, His Word can.  and when no one quite understands what it's like to be me, He's created the very content of that me.

God has been asking a rather simple thing of me:  run straight to Him as each fear or frustration take the throne in my heart.  and as i am trying to obey what i know is for my best, i see two things happening...

the first is that trials and difficulties are normalizing.   in the little moments of my days when the frustration and fears can arise, i am practicing what it means for me to bring it straight to the Lord, and not flee as far as i can from the challenge.  i am better embracing a life that will contain trials and learning how to prepare for them as opposed to run from them. 

i think in an effort to try and keep a life with minimal conflicts for myself, when those difficulties arose -- the kind that didn't have a simple and fast solution -- i would allow it to put a damper on my otherwise going-perfectly-well life.  this would quickly turn into consumption.  from the outside in, i would often allow a challenging roadblock in life to color everything.

lately, i've been placed in the posture of surrender where i have very little control over anything in my life anymore.  i saw struggle as an interruption that needed to be squashed in order to tend to the real business of life.  but this is the real business of life.  the real business for a follower of Jesus Christ embraces the very thing that her fleshly little heart wants to stiff-arm.

this goes against all intuition and my knee-jerk responses because God delights in the process, not in a providing a great solution.  and the process makes me wait.  waiting gives God time to work on my heart and is the very thing i was attempting to avoid, but this is where i've found freedom.  it is in this waiting period, that God quiets my heart.

as i let go of the wild thoughts woven throughout my week, i have more time to grab onto what i know about God's character.  greater space in my heart to dwell on the Truth, the only Truths in this life.  and the focus slowly grows off whatever it was that had me so consumed, and turns to where i have been.

and where i have been has endless reason to praise God.  and dwelling on those blessings causes thankfulness to overflow in my soul.  so that's the second thing.  praise and gratitude replace the fears and frustrations in my life.

and then, such an example to follow from second chronicles 20...king Jehoshaphat, in circumstances where he was "terrified" and "begged the Lord for guidance", places the singers on the front lines in battle, leading the way with praise.  "This is what they sang: 'give thanks to the Lord, his faithful love endures forever!'"  after he declared victory, "God gave him rest on every side." (v 30). And it all began with singing praise.

this all needs to be a very intentional process.  i might get weary at even the very thought of that word:  intentional, but then doesn't anything that's worthwhile and of value require intention?  isn't intentionality the richness in relationship?  i've gotten a taste of both the intentionality and blessing of a thankful heart, and i'm simply loving it.

so really it's been about remembering who God is...His desire for my best and His faithfulness to the bitter end.  and gratitude then consumes my heart where concerns had taken up residence.  and even if i have to work at this several times a day, it's been worth the joy that follows.

glimpses of our days lately....

--we arm wrestle every four or five days.  ken uses this as one of his tools to determine how his strength is increasing.

--we're realizing we are so not ready for the general public.  we cry over dinner at the pizza restaurant.  trying to get the moment over as quickly as possible before oldest sees us.

--our girls squeal and scream with delight when ken breaks out in a jog chasing them in the backyard.  "oh, mommy...he is just SO strong, that man!"   more than you'll ever know, sweet girl. 

--inside our walls feels so safe...there's lots of tears.   many rich conversations.  good closeness.   and laughter is in abundance.

craving more

the reality is, i am just now starting to uncover what God has been working on in my heart over the past months.  this is really the first time since september 18th that i am able to step back from simply surviving the day and settle in on some things that God might be revealing to me.  i guess that process could have began to unfold a couple weeks ago, but man, oh, man, christmas -- right there.  after ken got home, it felt way closer than just around the corner.

and even in the ways my heart focused on why i actually celebrate the holiday, let's face it.  like beth is saying, things needed to get done. 

yet in those moments i have had . . . a couple dark mornings before the house awakens. . .an open mind to think while mindlessly wrapping presents. . .driving in the car, when "mommmeeeee....you're not answering me!"  breaks the speeding train of my thoughts. . .shining a mirror in front of me, reflecting back my heart after a revealing conversation with a friend.  all those moments, God's using.

i kept assuming that when i would reflect on all i've been through this fall, that i would be bringing up what's happened in the past.  in september of 2012.  october.  november.  all that went on that day the doctors thought perhaps ken had a stroke.  that night the oppression felt no more real than hell itself.  those heartbreaking conversations i would have with our oldest.  having nothing to offer her than my empathetic tears.   interestingly, that's not what my heart's work has been about.

it's been about today.

actually, all of the todays that have happened since ken got home.

not unlike every other human being, the past few months for me have had moments of delight and moments of difficulty.  the kind that make my heart soar and those that break the same heart that was high upon the heights sometimes only hours before.

those darkest of days were bad, unbelievably hard.  and now that ken has made such incredible progress, and is home, life is absolutely filled to the brim with joy.   yet, this rare combination of pure joy wrapped up in the packaging of tragedy, has left me feeling a little lost.

the truth is, life is very new and not normal for us.  ken coming home, does not mean that who we all were before septmeber 18th are returning.  there are new people coming together as a family.  and while i'm finding there's abundant joy in the reuniting of the four of us.  i am also finding it's messy to put four people back together who've been totally changed by the events of the previous three months.  ken's physically different.  the girls' interaction with their daddy is different.  discipline is different.  what the man of his house is physically able to do is different.  our mornings are different. so are our evenings.  the mama's heart is different.  so is ken's.  so is our first-born's.

sending our daughter to preschool last year for two mornings a week was a major, heart-stopping transition for me, so now this.  change, transition.  knowing my make-up, i am recognizing this as opportunity to be needy.  weak.  moldable.  on my knees.  with the hope that it's the way to my feet again.

"get serious, really serious.  get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet."  james 4 the message

so my mind's been abundant in questions and hard-to-come-by with answers.  should the miracle of ken's life wash away the difficulty of today?   chide myself for being discouraged by the weak spots in our new life?

the challenges of this new life of ours are indeed shaded by the incredible, supernatural works of God i witnessed in a very physical world.  not a single time that i glance over at the strong, brown-eyed man before me do i forget to marvel at his very presence in that moment.  and then that's all i need to get my mind started on a run backward, recalling how we got to this place....and in doing so, see the glory of God in it all.

so as life is very not normal for our family right now, the goodness of God does not negate the challenges of today.  the goodness can make me overcome our challenges.  God's goodness in our past is a part of our story because we still have access to same goodness for our struggles today.  the goodness is found in a Person.

 God wants to draw me into Him, but now, to a greater degree than what He did a couple months back.  more is now required.  not only trusting Him when the foundation of my life is rocked, but also my every day.  to a greater degree.  with more spiritual tenacity.  more intentionality.

tonight at after dinner we tried to gather up some meaning into what would have otherwise been an insane last few minutes of dinner with our littles.   knowing ken was beat-up from the day, finding myself with my own chin slumped in my hands, ken reached from a children's jesus calling.

he found the page marked december 27th.  two days, mere hours after celebrating the birth of Jesus.  and read the title of the devotional.

While You Wait.

"WHAT?!"  exclaimed our oldest.  four adults eyes dart at her's for an explanation.   

"again??  we have to wait for Jesus?!"

we had just finished about a month of concentrated waiting with our advent.   eagerly anticipating Jesus' birthday  (and presents, of course).  and our little one's response felt like it could have been my own.  she had just endured what felt like an eternity of waiting.  she made it and great was her reward.  now, two days after it all, she was shocked to hear that there might be more waiting when it has to do with Jesus.

the waiting was made the celebration so joyful though.  my waiting - in the both The big way and in all the little ways - has resulted in a purely amazing gift from the Lord -- my husband.  yet it was the actual waiting where i found my treasure.  the transformation in my heart.  the deeper trust.  the letting go.  and now, just when i don't want to wait for anymore, God is asking me to wait for Him to show up still. in the moments of my days.   to show up when i feel completely lacking.  the waiting certainly has purpose.

"there's more to come:  we continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next.  in alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged.  quite the contrary -- we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!"  romans 5:3-5 the message

what a promise!  the moments become significant under that gleaming light of Truth.  and i'm prayerfully wanting to live it out. 

three ways to thank God

wednesday morning, we woke up to ken being able to put as much weight on his legs as he could tolerate!  he has some getting used to with walking again, but is doing incredible.

that day we also had a follow-up appointment for his fractured C7 and the ligament damage associated with it.  this is the appointment we've been waiting for to determine if he could finally take off the neck brace -- and yep!  it's healed.

and while we were at cooper that morning, we walked across the street over to the hospital, i returned back to the third floor, and i walked  into the Trauma ICU until with Ken to thank once again the heroes who cared for him.  the last time we were in that unit, life was so different, and it wasn't even that long ago.   our friends there made me promise to come back when he was up and walking again, and when i agreed i never imagined the joy it would be.  it was amazing to see everyone again from such a different perspective...it was a fun day for us.

you

knowing there is still a road ahead of reestablishing our family and physical healing for ken, the return of him home is a perfect time to try and express my heart of gratitude to you.  my heart fills to the brim with thankfulness as i reflect on how you've upheld me over these nearly three months. 

over this time, jesus ministered to my soul in a powerfully personal way.  i am so in love with Him - now more than ever.  who God is has brought me peace where only frenzy and panic should have resided.  strength when i would have been left to crumble.  the very nature of His character was more real during this time than ever before.  i felt His actual presence, and i reveled in that gift. 

that could have been enough - just Him.  but because He accomplishes more than i could ever ask or imagine (eph 3:20), He gave me you. 

You who prayed unceasingly.
You who sent me messages full Scripture & encouraging words.
You who mowed our grass.  cleaned our yard.
You who provided meals for our family.
You who woke up in the middle of the night - us on your hearts - and prayed.
You who gave sacrificially to provide for practical needs.
You who fixed to prepare for homecoming.
You who gave me music.
You who came to me at the hospital.
You who gave extravagant gifts.
You who called me.
You who hugged me.  
You who took down my garden.
You who gave to my girls.
You who listened. 
You who provided wisdom.
You who showed up in emergency.
You who helped me not short circuit my christmas lights.
You who came to ken so i could be with our girls.
You who fed our chickens.
You who kept me company.
You who understood.
You who cried with me.
You who asked how we are.
You who kept our life running & served in ways i will never even know about.
You who met me in our time of need. 

each of you are an incredible blessing to me (and ken and the girls).  you were what i needed, and i am certain God is so pleased with your selfless displays of service. 

through those acts of service, you helped champion my faith through this journey, and as a result, you've played an integral role in this story of ours. 

and part of the reason i look back on this part of our story with gladness is because of the moments you invested in our family.  God has certainly showered us with blessings, and you are one of those blessings! 

i have learned from you how to love and serve people in the midst of trial.  in the future, i hope to emulate your example, and serve others like you have us.  thank you for giving of yourselves so we could experience the love and character of Jesus.

all my love & gratitude,
lindsay

I love God because He listened to me

listened as i begged for mercy

He listened so intently

as i laid out my case before Him.

Death stared me in the face,

hell was hard on my heels.

up against in, i didn't know which way to turn;

then i called out to God for help;

"please, God!" i cried out.

"save my life!"

God is gracious - it is He who makes things right,

our most compassionate God.

God takes the side of the helpless;

when i was at the end of my rope, He saved me.

i said to myself, "relax and rest.

God has showered you with blessings.

soul, you've been rescued from death;

eye, you've been rescued from tears;

and you, foot, were kept from stumbling."

what can i give back to God

for the blessings He's poured out on me?

i'll lift high the cup of salvation - a toast to God!

i'll pray in the name of God...

oh, God, here i am, your servant,

your faithful servant: set me free for your service!

i'm ready to offer the thanksgiving sacrifice

and pray in the name of God...

{psalm 116 msg}

Paper whites

The past three days have contained joy overflowing for our family.  I am so thankful to be whole again and share real life with my husband.  Our oldest little one is plain outside herself with happiness and she visible shows her relief in a multitude of ways.  God has been mighty against any attack we could be facing...the Enemy encroached right up to the minute of our day, but at His name, he fled and protection was ours.

the sun declared the joy in our hearts from the pink glaze over the sky at dawn, throughout the moments of our day, and right up until the last orange rays setting in the late afternoon.  We inflated dozens of balloons and strug a welcome home banner across the front of our home.  But God's decorations outshone it all.

the dinner table was complete, and would still have been had we only eaten cereal.   Smiling.  Tears.  Relief.  Comfort.  Familiarity.  Laughter.  Rejoicing.  Grieving.  We celebrated each one as a gift from the Lord.

"call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; I'll rescue you, then throw you a party. "
Psalm 91 MSG

ken had done some horticulture stuff in a recreational therapy.  I had been bringing those growing, living things home this week to help minimize what we brought home Thursday.   one I brought home was a pot full of  barely peeking through paper white bulbs.  I had brought them home early in the week placing them near some sun, not nearly the bold sun that shone through ken's rehab window.  they got the same water.  so,  I was shocked to see how they shot up, like inches, within 36 hours.  I sent a picture to ken...they're really growing.  his thoughts back:  they love our house.  

Oh, that we could be a bit like those paper whites....able to fully flourish and grow now.  everyone together at home.  we've been working so hard at pushing through the dirt over these past months.  hoping that now is a time for maximized growth and blooming.  

Thank you for praying ceaselessly.  You are a treasure to us.

it's been all glory today

thursday is homecoming, like, as in this upcoming week - and we are turning inside out!

the best part about the news was the interaction i had with my sweet first-born.  because she and i are the ones directly living with ken i guess we shared something throughout all of this that was unique to only the two of us.  so that made the celebration with her all the sweeter.

i was on the phone with ken and then he shared the news with the girls himself.  she was shocked and overjoyed at the same time.   "the sad is over!" she breathed.

a mix of relief and disbelief flooding her face at the same time.   we all prayed together over the phone, thanking the Giver of this gift.  she goes first, with both a joy & sincerity i don't think i could describe, it's her heart all unloading:   "oh, dear jesus, thank you.  thank you thank you thank you.  you've made daddy better, and i just thank you so much.  amen."

...we're in the driveway now.  not yet out of our seatbelts.  i turn around to her.  "can you believe it?" "no" she sighs, hands over her mouth.  i'm out of the car.  unbuckle her happy heart.    i hold her for only the few seconds she'll allow.  it's all she can take before wanting to skip off.  she is lighter that moment, more free.

she tends to the barbie jeep for a moment, i take out bags of groceries, return for more, but before i can be distracted by the temporary, i catch a glimpse of the eternal.

there she is.  on the driveway, on her knees, hands folded head bowed.   i sit down next to her.  wait until she looks at me.  "can I pray with you?"  i ask as if she needs my help to talk to her Father.

nope, i'm all done!  

and off she went.  that portion of our asphalt driveway will never look the same again.

you've prayed us to this point - thank you for fighting with us.  we're so grateful.  

wednesday

UPDATE 4:40pm:  Thank you so very much for your faithful prayers for us today.  After talking  to the surgeon who performed Ken's pelvis surgery, he was given permission for partial-weight bearing.  In two weeks, he can put as much weight on his leg as feels comfortable to him.  Dr. Graff could not even see the fractures in Ken's pelvis because they've healed so beautifully! He was amazed to actually meet ken and affirmed what progress he has made.  Although we were hoping and praying for total weight allowance, Dr. Graff made us see how waiting the additional two weeks for weight will help protect his body for the long-term and since he is so young, it was best to not push the clearance.  We do feel bummed and Ken said he just wants to experience more progress quicker, but he also said putting weight on the leg is so close.  So we will wait on God's perfect timing.  We are confident this was God's decision for this, and are choosing to see it as God's protection for the future.  Short term sacrifice on his part, for a better long-run.  And as we said goodbye, shook Dr. Graff's hand and opened the office door to leave, we were literally blinded by a floor to ceiling window framing the most gorgeous sunset we may have ever seen.  It was a perfect picture of God's faithfulness to make all things beautiful in His time.  and that's all we really want.  Thank you Jesus for a pelvis that's healing amazingly and for the joy it is to place our lives in Your hands.  


UPDATE: ken's appointment is at 1pm today.  Thank you for reaching out to tell us that you're praying for this outcome.  I am eager to see God display His authority today.  "the mind of man plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps." proverbs 16:9.  I will let you know.

we will return to cooper hospital this week to meet with kenny's orthopedic surgeon, and get some answers for the progress of healing in his hip (from the pelvis surgery on october 4th).

this appointment not only feels medically and physically pivotal in revolutionizing kenny's mobility and independence, but also is coming at a critical time emotionally & spiritually for our family.

as we were talking today, ken expressed how important he felt it was that we gather people to pray for this outcome.  we have talked about many possible outcomes for the short-term future and discussed a lots of things we're hoping for in the days and weeks to come....so when he mentioned having people pray, i had to ask:  so, what should we be asking God for in this situation?  (code for exactly how bold are we getting here)  

his therapists have suggested that he'll likely be allowed first a "toe touch" weight bearing clearance, then another step or two more freedom before the full-fledged, total weight-on-your-foot-good-to-go clearance.  guess we shouldn't stop here with praying for miracles.

i thought ken's answer to my question - what we should be asking God for - was perfectly succinct, so pretty much in his words...."i just feel it's very important now that i get home as soon as possible.  for the girls - it's hard for them to process the hope of me returning home to them without me actually being there because they can't process time well, and we don't exactly know how much longer i'll be here.  and the more comfortable they get with me, the more they miss me."

so, for wednesday, we are asking that ken's left leg would be allowed 100% weight.  and that this week, we would be able to get a specific discharge date so we can start countdown to it
It seems like so much is hinging on this appointment - because once the doctors know the results, they will be able to better determine a discharge time frame.  "a discharge date would be the tangible hope the girls need.  every morning they wake up, they could rip a link off the chain."

i am ready.  we're all ready.  there's just so many layers to the working through and processing of a tragedy like this....these past couple weeks have been a lot.  we often find ourselves in the midst of conversation, going only several sentences at a time before a need comes up so loud & clear, and one of us is saying wait.  let me pray about that real quick. right now. 

we are trying to navigate the muddy waters of each of our hearts, and then it's the sweet hearts of our girls - doing the same for them...even littlest lady, who seemed pretty unfazed, is being adamant about seeing her daddy and out of the blue missing him.  it's getting long and the hard questions from our oldest keep coming.  her heart is longing for the security that only a Daddy can provide. 

and it was an honor to pray about this with him tonight.  being a man with not an ounce of pretense, i can always count on his words being sincere, and as he cried out to God about wednesday, it was on behalf of "his girls".   i'm learning from a selfless heart.  we found ourselves praying, "even if He doesn't...."  and even if He doesn't, we will trust.  even if He doesn't, we will thank.

thank you for partnering with us.  you're a treasure.  

thank You, jesus.

...thank You for the perfectly sound mind you restored.  you performed an actual miracle.  you made what should never have happened, happen.
...thank You for being home.
...thank You for the purity of being able to worship.
...thank You that my happy, kissing, snuggly littlest lady makes my heart overflow with joy and causes my all my circumstances to fade in the background in the light of her presence.
...thank You for a sense of belonging.
...thank You for singing loud, fun songs with the girls in the car.
...thank You for how my deep-thinking, spiritually-minded little lady is teaching me about a trust that's truly child-like.
...thank You for my heroic, selfless family that gave me the sweetest gify of precious time with my husband.
...thank You for deuteronomy 30:19
...thank You for using the powerful prayers of many to save my husband's life.
...thank You for life-restoring medical tools.
...thank You for professionals who have made many beautiful differences in my life - in both the big ways and small.
...thank You for my in-law family.
...thank You for sunshine on my face.
...thank You for good hugs.
...thank You for the complicated made simple.
...thank You for sisters.  four generations worth.
...thank You for psalm 27.
...thank You for candles.
...thank You for teaching me with that i would least expect.
...thank You for hope.
...thank You for familiarity.
...thank You for outside on the roof.
...thank You for the humbling experience, almost daily, of being loved tangibly and practically by friends.
...thank You for del frisco's.
...thank You for seeing a sense of humor, unexpected joy.
...thank You for accepting me, no changes necessary.
...thank You for Truth.
...thank You for ears that endlessly listen.
...thank You for knowing when it's too much.
...thank you for rescuing my husband from death's shadow.
...thank You for the challenge to make You enough.

lately with us

there was a gift in the first four or five weeks after the accident.  as i've shared before, i had time like never before to sit before God in stillness and with no direction other than how He led life in that moment.  i felt like i was actively in God's presence more waking hours in the day than i was not.

as life has changed, as God answered my prayers with a "yes!",  i am finding i need to be more purposeful about my time with the Lord.  i am still very eager to hear from Him.  so wanting to know how this all can count for something.  something that will cause all the pain our family has gone through to not have happened in vain.  something for eternity. i long to be permanently transformed.

and although, i had grown quite fond of my little life, i want to be a part of something bigger.

no, that's not quite right.

i just want to make Christ bigger.   and we praying about that.  (and it's been amazing to say we.  because ken feels it too.)

these thoughts take me back a few years to our minichurch's study with john piper.  one of his themes was seeing the purpose of our lives as to be like a telescope.  my mission being to make God big, made known.  i've been thinking about it more often lately, and had an interesting realization.

since a young age, i've had a genuine interest in wanting to honor God with my life.  time and life experiences have ushered me into deeper arenas of trust.  requiring more release of my own desires, and i've been challenged to place a stronger grip on the character of God.   there have been many seasons of my life where this was on the major backburner, and i've come to regret the ego that initiated those seasons.  and so it was - a step forward, two back - a pace with which i've become familiar in my spiritual journey.

in my forward steps on the path, i've seen God as a tool or a resource to accomplish what He and i thought was a good idea.  how do i honor you in my career choice?  what medical decision should we make for our daughter?  what's the best way for us to serve our minichurch?  lead me in my anxiousness, please.  how should we steward our money?  all me using God as a method to try and honor Him.  probably because i know that's the quickest way for things to go well for ME!

while God is very much needed for each of those, i've seen some deep selfishness in that mentality. 

how might it be if instead of God being the tool, Jesus was my whole life and i'm the tool?  what if every day i presented my life before the Lord?  blank.  assumption-less.  

the former has a built-in filter before God where i am the one determining how things go.  i've already headed down a path, and will use God as a consultant.  i'm assuming a decision needs to be made for our daughter.  maybe one doesn't need to be made right now.  i think that anxiousness is what i'm dealing with, what if it's not the root at all?

the latter makes no pre-planned agenda for how "it" should go, but rather prepares for an unexpected bend. 

the contrast is subtle in my head, but i am willing to bet the results wouldn't be.

i have no plan for how to do this.  perhaps that is a good start:  no plan at all.  just an intentional spirit.  moment by moment.

. . . 

we still hunger for your prayer:

~ for a heart that kneels before God each day (and in between), cleaning my slate of expectation

~ for the orthopedic appointment on november 28th to give awesome news - that ken would be able to put weight on his left leg

~ that God would heal his left arm, as it has very little strength and pretty significant nerve damage.  (probably related to his C7 fracture, the brain injury, or the impact of the hit itself - or all three).  that ken would be able to see the progress he's making with his arm, and that we would trust God for 100% recovery in strength and function of his left arm

~ praise God for kenny's PEG tube coming out successfully today

~ praise God for being home again.  the joy is incredible, and i can't describe how different it feels from when i left.  every inch of my home is bright where darkness lurked.   we love spending time here

~ praise for noticeable progress each day in therapy

thanks giving tree

 the girls and i are doing a thanks giving tree this year, found here:  thanks giving tree

we do it at breakfast, and it's been a little crazy, but i am enjoying some purposeful time to dwell on thankfulness Scripture & share that time with the girls.

i thought i'd post it here because if we have anything to thank God about, it's on this blog.  this was today's verse:

but thanks be to god!  he give us the victory through our lord jesus christ.  1 cor 15:57

praising God for victory today...