thursday is homecoming, like, as in this upcoming week - and we are turning inside out!
the best part
about the news was the interaction i had with my sweet first-born.
because she and i are the ones directly living with ken i guess we shared
something throughout all of this that was unique to only the two of us.
so that made the celebration with her all the sweeter.
i was on the
phone with ken and then he shared the news with the girls himself.
she was shocked and overjoyed at the same time. "the sad is over!" she breathed.
a mix of relief
and disbelief flooding her face at the same time. we all prayed
together over the phone, thanking the Giver of this gift. she goes first, with both a joy & sincerity i don't think i could describe, it's her heart all unloading: "oh, dear jesus, thank you. thank you thank you thank you. you've made daddy better, and i just thank you so much. amen."
...we're in the driveway now.
not yet out of our seatbelts. i turn around to her. "can you believe
it?" "no" she sighs, hands over her mouth. i'm out of the car.
unbuckle her happy heart. i hold her for only the few seconds she'll allow. it's
all she can take before wanting to skip off. she is lighter that
moment, more free.
she tends to the barbie jeep for a moment, i take out bags of groceries,
return for more, but before i can be distracted by the temporary, i
catch a glimpse of the eternal.
there she is. on the driveway, on her
knees, hands folded head bowed. i sit down next to her. wait until
she looks at me. "can I pray with you?" i ask as if she needs my help to talk to her Father.
nope, i'm all done!
and off she went. that portion of our asphalt driveway will never look the same again.
you've prayed us to this point - thank you for fighting with us. we're so grateful.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Sunday, November 25, 2012
wednesday
UPDATE 4:40pm: Thank you so very much for your faithful prayers for us today. After talking to the surgeon who performed Ken's pelvis surgery, he was given permission for partial-weight bearing. In two weeks, he can put as much weight on his leg as feels comfortable to him. Dr. Graff could not even see the fractures in Ken's pelvis because they've healed so beautifully! He was amazed to actually meet ken and affirmed what progress he has made. Although we were hoping and praying for total weight allowance, Dr. Graff made us see how waiting the additional two weeks for weight will help protect his body for the long-term and since he is so young, it was best to not push the clearance. We do feel bummed and Ken said he just wants to experience more progress quicker, but he also said putting weight on the leg is so close. So we will wait on God's perfect timing. We are confident this was God's decision for this, and are choosing to see it as God's protection for the future. Short term sacrifice on his part, for a better long-run. And as we said goodbye, shook Dr. Graff's hand and opened the office door to leave, we were literally blinded by a floor to ceiling window framing the most gorgeous sunset we may have ever seen. It was a perfect picture of God's faithfulness to make all things beautiful in His time. and that's all we really want. Thank you Jesus for a pelvis that's healing amazingly and for the joy it is to place our lives in Your hands.
UPDATE: ken's appointment is at 1pm today. Thank you for reaching out to tell us that you're praying for this outcome. I am eager to see God display His authority today. "the mind of man plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps." proverbs 16:9. I will let you know.
we will return to cooper hospital this week to meet with kenny's orthopedic surgeon, and get some answers for the progress of healing in his hip (from the pelvis surgery on october 4th).
this appointment not only feels medically and physically pivotal in revolutionizing kenny's mobility and independence, but also is coming at a critical time emotionally & spiritually for our family.
as we were talking today, ken expressed how important he felt it was that we gather people to pray for this outcome. we have talked about many possible outcomes for the short-term future and discussed a lots of things we're hoping for in the days and weeks to come....so when he mentioned having people pray, i had to ask: so, what should we be asking God for in this situation? (code for exactly how bold are we getting here)
his therapists have suggested that he'll likely be allowed first a "toe touch" weight bearing clearance, then another step or two more freedom before the full-fledged, total weight-on-your-foot-good-to-go clearance. guess we shouldn't stop here with praying for miracles.
i thought ken's answer to my question - what we should be asking God for - was perfectly succinct, so pretty much in his words...."i just feel it's very important now that i get home as soon as possible. for the girls - it's hard for them to process the hope of me returning home to them without me actually being there because they can't process time well, and we don't exactly know how much longer i'll be here. and the more comfortable they get with me, the more they miss me."
so, for wednesday, we are asking that ken's left leg would be allowed 100% weight. and that this week, we would be able to get a specific discharge date so we can start countdown to it
It seems like so much is hinging on this appointment - because once the doctors know the results, they will be able to better determine a discharge time frame. "a discharge date would be the tangible hope the girls need. every morning they wake up, they could rip a link off the chain."
i am ready. we're all ready. there's just so many layers to the working through and processing of a tragedy like this....these past couple weeks have been a lot. we often find ourselves in the midst of conversation, going only several sentences at a time before a need comes up so loud & clear, and one of us is saying wait. let me pray about that real quick. right now.
we are trying to navigate the muddy waters of each of our hearts, and then it's the sweet hearts of our girls - doing the same for them...even littlest lady, who seemed pretty unfazed, is being adamant about seeing her daddy and out of the blue missing him. it's getting long and the hard questions from our oldest keep coming. her heart is longing for the security that only a Daddy can provide.
and it was an honor to pray about this with him tonight. being a man with not an ounce of pretense, i can always count on his words being sincere, and as he cried out to God about wednesday, it was on behalf of "his girls". i'm learning from a selfless heart. we found ourselves praying, "even if He doesn't...." and even if He doesn't, we will trust. even if He doesn't, we will thank.
thank you for partnering with us. you're a treasure.
UPDATE: ken's appointment is at 1pm today. Thank you for reaching out to tell us that you're praying for this outcome. I am eager to see God display His authority today. "the mind of man plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps." proverbs 16:9. I will let you know.
we will return to cooper hospital this week to meet with kenny's orthopedic surgeon, and get some answers for the progress of healing in his hip (from the pelvis surgery on october 4th).
this appointment not only feels medically and physically pivotal in revolutionizing kenny's mobility and independence, but also is coming at a critical time emotionally & spiritually for our family.
as we were talking today, ken expressed how important he felt it was that we gather people to pray for this outcome. we have talked about many possible outcomes for the short-term future and discussed a lots of things we're hoping for in the days and weeks to come....so when he mentioned having people pray, i had to ask: so, what should we be asking God for in this situation? (code for exactly how bold are we getting here)
his therapists have suggested that he'll likely be allowed first a "toe touch" weight bearing clearance, then another step or two more freedom before the full-fledged, total weight-on-your-foot-good-to-go clearance. guess we shouldn't stop here with praying for miracles.
i thought ken's answer to my question - what we should be asking God for - was perfectly succinct, so pretty much in his words...."i just feel it's very important now that i get home as soon as possible. for the girls - it's hard for them to process the hope of me returning home to them without me actually being there because they can't process time well, and we don't exactly know how much longer i'll be here. and the more comfortable they get with me, the more they miss me."
so, for wednesday, we are asking that ken's left leg would be allowed 100% weight. and that this week, we would be able to get a specific discharge date so we can start countdown to it
It seems like so much is hinging on this appointment - because once the doctors know the results, they will be able to better determine a discharge time frame. "a discharge date would be the tangible hope the girls need. every morning they wake up, they could rip a link off the chain."
i am ready. we're all ready. there's just so many layers to the working through and processing of a tragedy like this....these past couple weeks have been a lot. we often find ourselves in the midst of conversation, going only several sentences at a time before a need comes up so loud & clear, and one of us is saying wait. let me pray about that real quick. right now.
we are trying to navigate the muddy waters of each of our hearts, and then it's the sweet hearts of our girls - doing the same for them...even littlest lady, who seemed pretty unfazed, is being adamant about seeing her daddy and out of the blue missing him. it's getting long and the hard questions from our oldest keep coming. her heart is longing for the security that only a Daddy can provide.
and it was an honor to pray about this with him tonight. being a man with not an ounce of pretense, i can always count on his words being sincere, and as he cried out to God about wednesday, it was on behalf of "his girls". i'm learning from a selfless heart. we found ourselves praying, "even if He doesn't...." and even if He doesn't, we will trust. even if He doesn't, we will thank.
thank you for partnering with us. you're a treasure.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
thank You, jesus.
...thank You for the perfectly sound mind you restored. you performed an actual miracle. you made what should never have happened, happen.
...thank You for being home.
...thank You for the purity of being able to worship.
...thank You that my happy, kissing, snuggly littlest lady makes my heart overflow with joy and causes my all my circumstances to fade in the background in the light of her presence.
...thank You for a sense of belonging.
...thank You for singing loud, fun songs with the girls in the car.
...thank You for how my deep-thinking, spiritually-minded little lady is teaching me about a trust that's truly child-like.
...thank You for my heroic, selfless family that gave me the sweetest gify of precious time with my husband.
...thank You for deuteronomy 30:19
...thank You for using the powerful prayers of many to save my husband's life.
...thank You for life-restoring medical tools.
...thank You for professionals who have made many beautiful differences in my life - in both the big ways and small.
...thank You for my in-law family.
...thank You for sunshine on my face.
...thank You for good hugs.
...thank You for the complicated made simple.
...thank You for sisters. four generations worth.
...thank You for psalm 27.
...thank You for candles.
...thank You for teaching me with that i would least expect.
...thank You for hope.
...thank You for familiarity.
...thank You for outside on the roof.
...thank You for the humbling experience, almost daily, of being loved tangibly and practically by friends.
...thank You for del frisco's.
...thank You for seeing a sense of humor, unexpected joy.
...thank You for accepting me, no changes necessary.
...thank You for Truth.
...thank You for ears that endlessly listen.
...thank You for knowing when it's too much.
...thank you for rescuing my husband from death's shadow.
...thank You for the challenge to make You enough.
...thank You for being home.
...thank You for the purity of being able to worship.
...thank You that my happy, kissing, snuggly littlest lady makes my heart overflow with joy and causes my all my circumstances to fade in the background in the light of her presence.
...thank You for a sense of belonging.
...thank You for singing loud, fun songs with the girls in the car.
...thank You for how my deep-thinking, spiritually-minded little lady is teaching me about a trust that's truly child-like.
...thank You for my heroic, selfless family that gave me the sweetest gify of precious time with my husband.
...thank You for deuteronomy 30:19
...thank You for using the powerful prayers of many to save my husband's life.
...thank You for life-restoring medical tools.
...thank You for professionals who have made many beautiful differences in my life - in both the big ways and small.
...thank You for my in-law family.
...thank You for sunshine on my face.
...thank You for good hugs.
...thank You for the complicated made simple.
...thank You for sisters. four generations worth.
...thank You for psalm 27.
...thank You for candles.
...thank You for teaching me with that i would least expect.
...thank You for hope.
...thank You for familiarity.
...thank You for outside on the roof.
...thank You for the humbling experience, almost daily, of being loved tangibly and practically by friends.
...thank You for del frisco's.
...thank You for seeing a sense of humor, unexpected joy.
...thank You for accepting me, no changes necessary.
...thank You for Truth.
...thank You for ears that endlessly listen.
...thank You for knowing when it's too much.
...thank you for rescuing my husband from death's shadow.
...thank You for the challenge to make You enough.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
lately with us
there was a gift in the first four or five weeks after the accident. as i've shared before, i had time like never before to sit before God in stillness and with no direction other than how He led life in that moment. i felt like i was actively in God's presence more waking hours in the day than i was not.
as life has changed, as God answered my prayers with a "yes!", i am finding i need to be more purposeful about my time with the Lord. i am still very eager to hear from Him. so wanting to know how this all can count for something. something that will cause all the pain our family has gone through to not have happened in vain. something for eternity. i long to be permanently transformed.
and although, i had grown quite fond of my little life, i want to be a part of something bigger.
no, that's not quite right.
i just want to make Christ bigger. and we praying about that. (and it's been amazing to say we. because ken feels it too.)
these thoughts take me back a few years to our minichurch's study with john piper. one of his themes was seeing the purpose of our lives as to be like a telescope. my mission being to make God big, made known. i've been thinking about it more often lately, and had an interesting realization.
since a young age, i've had a genuine interest in wanting to honor God with my life. time and life experiences have ushered me into deeper arenas of trust. requiring more release of my own desires, and i've been challenged to place a stronger grip on the character of God. there have been many seasons of my life where this was on the major backburner, and i've come to regret the ego that initiated those seasons. and so it was - a step forward, two back - a pace with which i've become familiar in my spiritual journey.
in my forward steps on the path, i've seen God as a tool or a resource to accomplish what He and i thought was a good idea. how do i honor you in my career choice? what medical decision should we make for our daughter? what's the best way for us to serve our minichurch? lead me in my anxiousness, please. how should we steward our money? all me using God as a method to try and honor Him. probably because i know that's the quickest way for things to go well for ME!
while God is very much needed for each of those, i've seen some deep selfishness in that mentality.
how might it be if instead of God being the tool, Jesus was my whole life and i'm the tool? what if every day i presented my life before the Lord? blank. assumption-less.
the former has a built-in filter before God where i am the one determining how things go. i've already headed down a path, and will use God as a consultant. i'm assuming a decision needs to be made for our daughter. maybe one doesn't need to be made right now. i think that anxiousness is what i'm dealing with, what if it's not the root at all?
the latter makes no pre-planned agenda for how "it" should go, but rather prepares for an unexpected bend.
the contrast is subtle in my head, but i am willing to bet the results wouldn't be.
i have no plan for how to do this. perhaps that is a good start: no plan at all. just an intentional spirit. moment by moment.
we still hunger for your prayer:
~ for a heart that kneels before God each day (and in between), cleaning my slate of expectation
~ for the orthopedic appointment on november 28th to give awesome news - that ken would be able to put weight on his left leg
~ that God would heal his left arm, as it has very little strength and pretty significant nerve damage. (probably related to his C7 fracture, the brain injury, or the impact of the hit itself - or all three). that ken would be able to see the progress he's making with his arm, and that we would trust God for 100% recovery in strength and function of his left arm
~ praise God for kenny's PEG tube coming out successfully today
~ praise God for being home again. the joy is incredible, and i can't describe how different it feels from when i left. every inch of my home is bright where darkness lurked. we love spending time here
~ praise for noticeable progress each day in therapy
as life has changed, as God answered my prayers with a "yes!", i am finding i need to be more purposeful about my time with the Lord. i am still very eager to hear from Him. so wanting to know how this all can count for something. something that will cause all the pain our family has gone through to not have happened in vain. something for eternity. i long to be permanently transformed.
and although, i had grown quite fond of my little life, i want to be a part of something bigger.
no, that's not quite right.
i just want to make Christ bigger. and we praying about that. (and it's been amazing to say we. because ken feels it too.)
these thoughts take me back a few years to our minichurch's study with john piper. one of his themes was seeing the purpose of our lives as to be like a telescope. my mission being to make God big, made known. i've been thinking about it more often lately, and had an interesting realization.
since a young age, i've had a genuine interest in wanting to honor God with my life. time and life experiences have ushered me into deeper arenas of trust. requiring more release of my own desires, and i've been challenged to place a stronger grip on the character of God. there have been many seasons of my life where this was on the major backburner, and i've come to regret the ego that initiated those seasons. and so it was - a step forward, two back - a pace with which i've become familiar in my spiritual journey.
in my forward steps on the path, i've seen God as a tool or a resource to accomplish what He and i thought was a good idea. how do i honor you in my career choice? what medical decision should we make for our daughter? what's the best way for us to serve our minichurch? lead me in my anxiousness, please. how should we steward our money? all me using God as a method to try and honor Him. probably because i know that's the quickest way for things to go well for ME!
while God is very much needed for each of those, i've seen some deep selfishness in that mentality.
how might it be if instead of God being the tool, Jesus was my whole life and i'm the tool? what if every day i presented my life before the Lord? blank. assumption-less.
the former has a built-in filter before God where i am the one determining how things go. i've already headed down a path, and will use God as a consultant. i'm assuming a decision needs to be made for our daughter. maybe one doesn't need to be made right now. i think that anxiousness is what i'm dealing with, what if it's not the root at all?
the latter makes no pre-planned agenda for how "it" should go, but rather prepares for an unexpected bend.
the contrast is subtle in my head, but i am willing to bet the results wouldn't be.
i have no plan for how to do this. perhaps that is a good start: no plan at all. just an intentional spirit. moment by moment.
. . .
we still hunger for your prayer:
~ for a heart that kneels before God each day (and in between), cleaning my slate of expectation
~ for the orthopedic appointment on november 28th to give awesome news - that ken would be able to put weight on his left leg
~ that God would heal his left arm, as it has very little strength and pretty significant nerve damage. (probably related to his C7 fracture, the brain injury, or the impact of the hit itself - or all three). that ken would be able to see the progress he's making with his arm, and that we would trust God for 100% recovery in strength and function of his left arm
~ praise God for kenny's PEG tube coming out successfully today
~ praise God for being home again. the joy is incredible, and i can't describe how different it feels from when i left. every inch of my home is bright where darkness lurked. we love spending time here
~ praise for noticeable progress each day in therapy
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
thanks giving tree
the girls and i are doing a thanks giving tree this year, found here: thanks giving tree
we do it at breakfast, and it's been a little crazy, but i am enjoying some purposeful time to dwell on thankfulness Scripture & share that time with the girls.
i thought i'd post it here because if we have anything to thank God about, it's on this blog. this was today's verse:
but thanks be to god! he give us the victory through our lord jesus christ. 1 cor 15:57
praising God for victory today...
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
an anchor
i was listening to a jenny & tyler song called anchored in love. i had heard it before, after the "worst" had been behind me in this whole experience. i felt like i was so able to resonate with part of the lyrics, saying, the tempest is o'er / i'm safe evermore / what gladness what what rapture is mine / the danger is past / i'm anchored at last / i'm anchored in love Divine
i felt like i was celebrating with those words, thinking, "yes! the worst is behind ken & i; i'm safe at last." and every time i've heard this song since, i have sung the lyrics with that perspective - assuring myself how safe i was because God has chosen to spare ken's life and allow him to make so much headway in his healing.
yesterday, while driving, anchored in love was playing again and i started thinking about our future and how thankful i am that things have turned out so well. and even though we are in a difficult-in-a-new-way stage, praising God for the goodness of where we are right now. within a second, my mind shifted from thanksgiving to what-ifs to fear, and i could sense the grip on the steering wheel getting strong and my hands getting sweaty.
how does the fear slip in so quickly? i thought about the lyrics of the song. "i'm anchored in Love Divine" i realized (again) that my assurance for the future was anchored in the wrong source. i had been believing that when the tempest was over, then i could experience relief. when the danger had past, then i could breathe easy. woah, that's so wrong. while i am certain God delights in our storms settling and the dangers in our path moving out of the way, i had it all wrong.
the danger can be past at any time, really. i can be safe regardless of my circumstances. the tempest (which cambridge simply defines as "a violent storm") can lose its threat and destruction right in the middle of the worst.
the anchor is not found in all the removal of all these perils, but remaining anchored in a Love that assures of his goodness in the midst of the fire.
that insight confronted me with questions i've been facing often throughout this process: where will your assurance lie even in the healing doesn't come? even if the battles rages on and you're weary? where will your assurance be when you fear the uncertainty of future trials you will face?
i want to be caught up in a Divine Love even when i don't know what's coming my way next. that is my anchor. that holds me safe. steadfast.
and in only the way God could orchestrate, hours later, ken and i listened together to louie giglio speaking on "hope when life hurts most." and his message couldn't have been more clear that God was up to challenging me in this.
he referenced john 16:33
"i have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. but take heart, because i have overcome the world (!)"
those times are going to come. and this tragedy isn't it for our family. louie showed me that even though i may be shipwrecked, i need to know, when all else falls beneath me, there is an anchor. he is convinced that the cross can be that anchor. the cross. and the cross alone.
this hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. it leads us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary. hebrews 6:19
louie persuaded me that the cross is where i need to be at those times because it is at the cross where i know God loves me. it is at the cross where God is still in control even though everything looks chaotic. and because of the cross, God can use the worst for eternal good.
i pray i find myself assured by the only Anchor who truly can truly make me secure, regardless of my circumstances or what my future holds.
i felt like i was celebrating with those words, thinking, "yes! the worst is behind ken & i; i'm safe at last." and every time i've heard this song since, i have sung the lyrics with that perspective - assuring myself how safe i was because God has chosen to spare ken's life and allow him to make so much headway in his healing.
yesterday, while driving, anchored in love was playing again and i started thinking about our future and how thankful i am that things have turned out so well. and even though we are in a difficult-in-a-new-way stage, praising God for the goodness of where we are right now. within a second, my mind shifted from thanksgiving to what-ifs to fear, and i could sense the grip on the steering wheel getting strong and my hands getting sweaty.
how does the fear slip in so quickly? i thought about the lyrics of the song. "i'm anchored in Love Divine" i realized (again) that my assurance for the future was anchored in the wrong source. i had been believing that when the tempest was over, then i could experience relief. when the danger had past, then i could breathe easy. woah, that's so wrong. while i am certain God delights in our storms settling and the dangers in our path moving out of the way, i had it all wrong.
the danger can be past at any time, really. i can be safe regardless of my circumstances. the tempest (which cambridge simply defines as "a violent storm") can lose its threat and destruction right in the middle of the worst.
the anchor is not found in all the removal of all these perils, but remaining anchored in a Love that assures of his goodness in the midst of the fire.
that insight confronted me with questions i've been facing often throughout this process: where will your assurance lie even in the healing doesn't come? even if the battles rages on and you're weary? where will your assurance be when you fear the uncertainty of future trials you will face?
i want to be caught up in a Divine Love even when i don't know what's coming my way next. that is my anchor. that holds me safe. steadfast.
and in only the way God could orchestrate, hours later, ken and i listened together to louie giglio speaking on "hope when life hurts most." and his message couldn't have been more clear that God was up to challenging me in this.
he referenced john 16:33
"i have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. but take heart, because i have overcome the world (!)"
those times are going to come. and this tragedy isn't it for our family. louie showed me that even though i may be shipwrecked, i need to know, when all else falls beneath me, there is an anchor. he is convinced that the cross can be that anchor. the cross. and the cross alone.
this hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. it leads us through the curtain into God's inner sanctuary. hebrews 6:19
louie persuaded me that the cross is where i need to be at those times because it is at the cross where i know God loves me. it is at the cross where God is still in control even though everything looks chaotic. and because of the cross, God can use the worst for eternal good.
i pray i find myself assured by the only Anchor who truly can truly make me secure, regardless of my circumstances or what my future holds.
Friday, November 9, 2012
A Full Life in the Emptiest of Places
The post title comes from a heading in the 58th chapter in Isaiah. I let the words sit for a while in my head because they sound so. . .nice. I like the way they make me think of hope and celebration. maybe even giving me the image of two people, who've been though fire together, probably years before, recalling with emotion-laced words, remember? That was amazing, wasn't it? That's when God took nothing and made it something. We were empty and now we're full.
I read that scripture heading and am moved to want to pray it for our family. Almost immediately something strikes me like a slap on the hand. You're too scared to pray that.
It's not from me because it caught me so off-guard. It's not Jesus because it sounds nothing like Him.
I am quick to recognize the lie because, while the attack comes in a new disguise, it's the same battle I've been waging for close to two months. I've been coming to the Lord with a similar (selfish) question: will all the emptiness actually lead to a fuller life? For me and husband? For our daughters? Soon? Promise??
I know, its crazy that i still wonder if all of this will end good. You'd think i have amnesia. After all the power God has displayed in the past weeks, i should be humiliated to actually write that this is something with which i am still wrestling.
While I have ample reasons to sing praises for God's rescuing hand, careful healing, and redemptive life (and I do, by the way, sing. and weep tears of gratitude) I still find myself consumed with fear and doubt about the future. Psalm 27:13 is still the same, right?
One thing I do know, is the Enemy did not like the victory we had yesterday when ken's trach came out. Everything went all wrong that day, including having no electricity, and let me tell you the Enemy of my heart pulled out all the stops to try and steal my joy yesterday. I didn't even realize what was going on until later in the day.
I was running around the cold, lightless house doing something, or lots of somethings, and stopped long enough to realize that all that went on that day was no accident. I thought how huge a victory Ken's lungs were and how God displayed His power so beautifully in healing them. And i thought abut how the Enemy must be so mad. "oh" I said out loud. Literally moments later the power turned back on.
Coincidence or not, what the message symbolized to me was enough to remind me that I am not in war against flesh and blood but against mighty powers in this dark world (Ephesians 6:12). Less than an hour later, i was on the road again, this time, directly in my line of vision for the whole car ride, was the blazing sun that hadnt been out for days and days. warming my face, pressing in on every corner of the car and my heart. I so enjoyed the contrast.
Our little family is in the rebuilding phase. Littlest girl, because of her innocent age, is just full of life and purity, but the other three of us have got some serious baggage we are working - in our own ways - to unload on the Lord. As we are trying to put the pieces back together. As we are relearning who each other is post-September 18th. As we proactively surrender. As we uphold one another in our most vulnerale conditions. Each of us have such unique needs right now. Please pray for us to consistently bring our raw hearts to the Lord. With open hands. Full of grace. So the empty can be made full. Only in His way.
"I will always show you where to go.
I"ll give you a full life in the emptiest of places
Firm muscles and strong bones
You'll be like a well-watered garden,
A gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
Rebuild the foundations from out of your past."
{Isaiah 58}
And, also, ken would love prayer for exactly that - "firm muscles and strong bones" - we are hoping for and expecting and waiting for his strength to return, fully and quickly.
I'm trusting in His goodness. He "won't walk out and fail to return".
Thursday, November 8, 2012
goodness gracious!!
"this is what the Sovereign Lord says: 'LOOK! i am going to put breath into you and make you live again! ...i will put breath into you, and you will come to life. then you will know that i am the Lord.'"
ezekiel 37
ken's tracheostomy is OUT. this morning, his doctor pulled it out with ease, and kenny's lungs are healed.
our girls and i took his favorite chocolate fudge cupcakes to him to celebrate, and that's just what we did. God has redeemed my husband and their daddy, and i can't believe the day has come. highest glory to Him alone, the great Healer!
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
thank you
today was a great day with our little lady. we spent the morning at school together, had lunch, and spent the remainder of our day with kenny. i asked her if all the time we spent with daddy at rehab fulfilled her desire to spend more time with him, and she said that it did, so that's wonderful. i am thanking God for making this a peaceful day for her.
i give jesus glory for giving her the strength to "do what she needs to do" in the past day or two. and just continue to ask God to minister to her little heart. on our way home, we were talking about our visit and i asked her what the best part of her day was. kissing daddy. and what the toughest part of her day was. leaving daddy. i feel you, sweet daughter. and then came: i just have eleven pieces in my heart. and they're all lost.
a sharp observation from my four-year-old, because i'm feeling a little lost too.
as we thank God for all He has done to bring kenny out from the shadow of death, the prayer needs continue as we wait for God to physically strengthen His son. he is not used to being weak - far from it - and is being stretched in this area....he is proactively waiting (i'm learning those seemingly contradicting two words go together way more than i ever realized) for God to pour strength back into his body. in spite of the pain, through the injuries. please pray for his heart to be encouraged by his progress. and i do want to thank God for allowing ken's sleep to improve a bit.
and medically, please pray that his blood pressure is able to stay down. and also pray that the doctors make the best decision for ken as far as timing for the removal of his tracheostomy.
thank you for continuing to travel this path with us. all your communication and encouragement means so much to not only me, but now ken as well, as i share with him every bit of encouragement that comes my way. you're strengthening his soul.
i give jesus glory for giving her the strength to "do what she needs to do" in the past day or two. and just continue to ask God to minister to her little heart. on our way home, we were talking about our visit and i asked her what the best part of her day was. kissing daddy. and what the toughest part of her day was. leaving daddy. i feel you, sweet daughter. and then came: i just have eleven pieces in my heart. and they're all lost.
a sharp observation from my four-year-old, because i'm feeling a little lost too.
as we thank God for all He has done to bring kenny out from the shadow of death, the prayer needs continue as we wait for God to physically strengthen His son. he is not used to being weak - far from it - and is being stretched in this area....he is proactively waiting (i'm learning those seemingly contradicting two words go together way more than i ever realized) for God to pour strength back into his body. in spite of the pain, through the injuries. please pray for his heart to be encouraged by his progress. and i do want to thank God for allowing ken's sleep to improve a bit.
and medically, please pray that his blood pressure is able to stay down. and also pray that the doctors make the best decision for ken as far as timing for the removal of his tracheostomy.
thank you for continuing to travel this path with us. all your communication and encouragement means so much to not only me, but now ken as well, as i share with him every bit of encouragement that comes my way. you're strengthening his soul.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Lately
My goodness, Kenny is working really hard. He is really motivated, and that is certainly working for him. But, he is still having a hard time sleeping at night, which affects his "readiness" to plow through his therapy sessions. Also, his body is still getting used to moving and this causes a loft stiffness and soreness.
I can't believe I am saying this, but they capped his tracheostomy today, which means that if he does well, it could be taken out altogether within a week. Ahhh! Amazing. I can't even fathom that the day is nearing when he will not need a single bit of support for his lungs to work. I can hardly contain my anticipation for that day.
Things have been challenging at home with our oldest. She is still figuring all this out, and just plain wants things to be back to "normal". Tomorrow, she and I will spend a good potion of the day together with ken, and I'm looking forward to how God might use our time to settle her heart a bit. My hearts hurts for our little girl because she's had to deal with some harsh realities I would have loved to shield her from. But since it's not so, I am praying for God powerfully impact her heart for Him, and somehow make her heart for ready for a life fully devoted to Him.
And related, I am still trying to balance spending my time between the girls and Ken, trying to get all three of them in the same place at once more often...this is just a season. And after what I've been through I can quickly find joy knowing that all this will not last forever. What a relief to say that. All this is temporary.
Some things I'm praying for....
- for wisdom to know how to spend my days
- for Kenny to get good sleep at night
- for our oldest daughter to make good choices during the times I am not around, and for her heart to settle on Jesus, in her own little four-year-old way
- for kens blood pressure to stay down
- for kens time at therapy to be fruitful. That the Enemy would have no place.
Thank you so very much.
I can't believe I am saying this, but they capped his tracheostomy today, which means that if he does well, it could be taken out altogether within a week. Ahhh! Amazing. I can't even fathom that the day is nearing when he will not need a single bit of support for his lungs to work. I can hardly contain my anticipation for that day.
Things have been challenging at home with our oldest. She is still figuring all this out, and just plain wants things to be back to "normal". Tomorrow, she and I will spend a good potion of the day together with ken, and I'm looking forward to how God might use our time to settle her heart a bit. My hearts hurts for our little girl because she's had to deal with some harsh realities I would have loved to shield her from. But since it's not so, I am praying for God powerfully impact her heart for Him, and somehow make her heart for ready for a life fully devoted to Him.
And related, I am still trying to balance spending my time between the girls and Ken, trying to get all three of them in the same place at once more often...this is just a season. And after what I've been through I can quickly find joy knowing that all this will not last forever. What a relief to say that. All this is temporary.
Some things I'm praying for....
- for wisdom to know how to spend my days
- for Kenny to get good sleep at night
- for our oldest daughter to make good choices during the times I am not around, and for her heart to settle on Jesus, in her own little four-year-old way
- for kens blood pressure to stay down
- for kens time at therapy to be fruitful. That the Enemy would have no place.
Thank you so very much.
Friday, November 2, 2012
today
so thankful for some more great time with ken. in all the craziness, this week has been full of some pure joy -- amid a really dark season in life. i've enjoyed seeing the progress that kenny is making in rehab. our time together is rich in conversation. our daughters are starting to spend some consistent time with their daddy.
in the midst of a really complicated process for our family, i want to thank God for examples of His faithfulness and healing.
i am very grateful for your prayers for our family. we are being sustained because of them.
in the midst of a really complicated process for our family, i want to thank God for examples of His faithfulness and healing.
i am very grateful for your prayers for our family. we are being sustained because of them.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
I remain just completely humbled that God allowed me to live life with my husband again. Amid the busyness and activity of the past two weeks, I am reminding myself to to not lose perspective on where I was only a few weeks ago, and never stop declaring God's goodness for all He has done. I can't believe it. I know it reveals a bit of faithlessness, but I confess, I simply cannot believe how good God has been. Like Jamie and Lauren said, there's so much more for God to do. And I am often waiting with an anxious heart for how He'll work it all out. But it's necessary to draw my eyes upwards, multiple times a day, and choose to look into the rear view mirror, recalling all the work that's been accomplished in six weeks time.
If you prayed for ken, you were part of a miracle. Truly. And we are trusting that God isn't finished with the healing. "God's loyal love couldn't have run out....(His mercies) are new every morning." lam 3.
Please continue to pray, especially for Ken's sleep at night. I pray that he would be able to get to and stay asleep despite so many discomforting reasons why he can't. He needs good sleep so he can give 100% during therapy sessions, and maximize his healing. .
Please pray that the doctors and nurses would know what he needs, and look at his circumstances with fresh eyes for creative solutions. And mostly, that the Spirit of God would calm and bring peace to Kenny's heart at night, so he can find rest in God - and He would be enough, enough for sound sleep. Because He certainly is.
life has been so very different lately. a friend reminded me of my natural resistance towards change, and she was right. growing up, on birthdays, i would say to my mom, "i don't want to turn ten, i just love being nine." and i'd say the same thing every year. i'd love being ten and not want to turn eleven. yep, i enjoy being in a routine and outside of one, leaves me feeling a bit unsafe.
If you prayed for ken, you were part of a miracle. Truly. And we are trusting that God isn't finished with the healing. "God's loyal love couldn't have run out....(His mercies) are new every morning." lam 3.
Please continue to pray, especially for Ken's sleep at night. I pray that he would be able to get to and stay asleep despite so many discomforting reasons why he can't. He needs good sleep so he can give 100% during therapy sessions, and maximize his healing. .
Please pray that the doctors and nurses would know what he needs, and look at his circumstances with fresh eyes for creative solutions. And mostly, that the Spirit of God would calm and bring peace to Kenny's heart at night, so he can find rest in God - and He would be enough, enough for sound sleep. Because He certainly is.
life has been so very different lately. a friend reminded me of my natural resistance towards change, and she was right. growing up, on birthdays, i would say to my mom, "i don't want to turn ten, i just love being nine." and i'd say the same thing every year. i'd love being ten and not want to turn eleven. yep, i enjoy being in a routine and outside of one, leaves me feeling a bit unsafe.
and the unknown, it doesn't conjure up emotions of adventure and excitement, but creates an immediate pit in my stomach that consumes what feels like all of me. another part of me that i've known about since i was riding in a booster car seat was always wanting the facts - straight up. i could deal with whatever, i'd reason with myself, i just want to know what i'm dealing with. if my parents mentioned that someone wasn't feeling well, i'm embarrassed to admit my first response: "is she going to die?" perhaps mixed in that confession reveals i may or may not be a person of extremes. shocking information to some, i know.
these personality traits aren't working too well for me right now. even though rehab has been an absolute blessing. rehab actually was one of those changes i readily embraced, my heart raced with excitement at the thought of it, and it has exceeded all the hops i had in their attention of kenny, how motivated his team is at working him toward his goals. i am confident this was God's choice for ken's rehabilitation.
yet, both the girls and kenny are in real need of me. ken because he's in a new place, and isn't in love with being away from home even to be on vacation....and also still new to being awake post the most difficult life experience he's ever been through. he needs time to process and have me there to express his heart, and work through the events of the past weeks. and even though he has therapy around three hours each day, that leaves a lot of time to be alone.
at the same time, the girls are feeling the length of this process. they rebound well after i leave them, but it's a difficult separation and we just plain miss each other. i miss spending time with them, miss picking up oldest from school, miss the bedtime routine (crazy, i know). they already were struggling without their daddy, and now i'm around a lot less. and we are all feeling the gap.
i keep saying to the Lord, "where do you want me? how do you want to me to spend my time?" and it's been tough to know what's best right now. i'm erring on the Bible's guidance to put kenny first, so please pray for the girls' hearts.
i was listening to the radio and a woman was talking about putting unnecessary burdens on herself. she said that she wants to feel more thankful for who she is, not guilty for what she's not. i could use that prayer lately.
these personality traits aren't working too well for me right now. even though rehab has been an absolute blessing. rehab actually was one of those changes i readily embraced, my heart raced with excitement at the thought of it, and it has exceeded all the hops i had in their attention of kenny, how motivated his team is at working him toward his goals. i am confident this was God's choice for ken's rehabilitation.
yet, both the girls and kenny are in real need of me. ken because he's in a new place, and isn't in love with being away from home even to be on vacation....and also still new to being awake post the most difficult life experience he's ever been through. he needs time to process and have me there to express his heart, and work through the events of the past weeks. and even though he has therapy around three hours each day, that leaves a lot of time to be alone.
at the same time, the girls are feeling the length of this process. they rebound well after i leave them, but it's a difficult separation and we just plain miss each other. i miss spending time with them, miss picking up oldest from school, miss the bedtime routine (crazy, i know). they already were struggling without their daddy, and now i'm around a lot less. and we are all feeling the gap.
i keep saying to the Lord, "where do you want me? how do you want to me to spend my time?" and it's been tough to know what's best right now. i'm erring on the Bible's guidance to put kenny first, so please pray for the girls' hearts.
i was listening to the radio and a woman was talking about putting unnecessary burdens on herself. she said that she wants to feel more thankful for who she is, not guilty for what she's not. i could use that prayer lately.
isaiah 30:19
"oh yes, people of Zion, citizens of Jerusalem, your time of tears is over. cry for help and you’ll find it’s grace and more grace. the moment he hears, he’ll answer. just as the Master kept you alive during the hard times, he’ll keep your teacher alive and present among you. your teacher will be right there, local and on the job, urging you on whenever you wander left or right: “this is the right road. walk down this road.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)